To still resent my mother's behaviour?

[Badmemories234]

Name changed for this.

When I was small, my mum hit me quite regularly. So did my dad. It was usually a smack on the bum (over their knee, pants down) and both painful and humiliating. To be fair, I always knew when I had overstepped the mark and that I would probably would get punished.

In my teens, my mum replaced bottom smacks with hard slaps around the face. They were stingingly painful and sometimes left marks. My dad didn't get involved. The slaps were usually for something minor - I accidentally spilled some sugar on the floor - but she never apologised or even came to see if I was alright after I had run away crying.

I am far from a perfect mum. I smacked my child once and never did it again. I can't imagine ever slapping him.

My mum slapped me repeatedly around the face with both hands after I had a panic attack because my brother had been sick (I had a vomit phobia at the time).

If I'm honest, I still resent her although I no longer fear her. We get along well now, although that is probably because we live far apart and don't often see one another. In many ways, she is incredibly caring.

I have never discussed this with her. She would probably be dismissive about it. She thinks it's hilariously funny to tell people that she stopped hitting my brother after he hit her back. She once left my disabled sister with a bruised bottom because sis (who could be very trying) was being naughty. She did say she felt bad about that because sis had recently had a life saving operation :(

It's just going round in my head. I feel angry with her. My dad still has a filthy temper and I do fear visiting them because of this. He has a great capacity to be caring but can also be rude, aggressive and intolerant.

Any thoughts?

Nothing helpful, sorry, except that you might do better posting this in relationships than AIBU.

I was a childin the 70s and nearly all families and schools spanked . I can remember my primary school teacher banging kids heads together.You can't really compare the last generations parenting by todays standards.It was a different culture.

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread in relationships, you may find it helpful.

Thanks both of you - will repost in Relationships. Yes, you're right Pixie. It was a different time. At my school, you could get the belt from a teacher.

I truly feel this type of 'parenting' was deeply wrong but is often explained away as having been 'normal' in the 70s and the years that preceded them.

I think it is the denial that is most frustrating rather than a need to have such behaviour vilified as such. Because some caring parents felt they were doing the right thing by physically disciplining their children... however it does not excuse their being violent towards people too small to fight back... and only stopping once said child was actually big enough to fight back

It was a different time but not every parent smacked and it doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel the way you do or that your mother's behaviour wasn't abusive. The things you have said in your second to last paragraph do sound very abusive. You are not unreasonable at all to resent this behaviour.

I have recently stopped all contact with my parents. There are loads of reasons for this, including a lot of emotional abuse, but I too was smacked as a child, very excessively and often for seemingly no reason at all. In fact, the 'smacking' continued until I left home at 20! I only had to say the wrong thing and I'd be sent flying across the kitchen by my dad, who has severe anger issues.

I remember aged about 7 going out to a playground and suddenly getting belted around the head and falling to the floor. My dad said I'd 'stuck my tongue out at my mum'. I'd done nothing of the sort.

YANBU at all OP. Have you had any counselling at all? I found it extremely helpful.

IMO there is a massive difference between 1 or 2 smacks during childhood (my dad, 1991, with a wooden spoon. I shoplifted and got arrested.. my aunt picked me up from the police station and took me home and years later told me she sat outside in the car crying because she knew I was going to be smacked and didn't agree with it

I was a childin the 70s and nearly all families and schools spanked . I can remember my primary school teacher banging kids heads together.You can't really compare the last generations parenting by todays standards.It was a different culture.

piziepotter that is true to some extent. Smacking was much more common and acceptable than it is today. On very rare occasions I smacked my own children in the 80's (3 or 4 times over their childhood and never hard enough to leave a mark). It was more a tap on the leg than a smack and for scary things like trying to run into the road. We also stopped once they got to an age where other punishments were preferable ie they could understand a delayed punishment such as timeout.

However I don't think slapping your child across the face was ever an ok thing to do. My parents didn't do it and neither did I. I would class that as abuse even then.

Badmemories. I understand how you feel and have often felt the same way about my mother.

My dad never hit us but my mum did. A lot and very hard - enough to leave marks and draw blood. Like your mother she hit us on the legs and bottom as little children and then slapped us around the face as teens.

I've made my peace with it as much as I can now. she has mellowed and is a nice enough grandma.

She is from a very poor Irish catholic family where battering your children was just the way it was. Everyone did it. She was beaten with a bicycle chain by her father.

I think the best you can do is to make sure that your children never feel the resentment toward you that you do to your mum. xx