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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave dd behind while we go away at christmas

29 replies

mehimandthegirls · 17/09/2013 12:17

Dp suggested last night we go away abroad for Christmas. We have a 6 month old together, said it would be nice to surprise MIL who was out there.

I asked DD1 (18) if she wanted to come and DP would pay for her. She said she has no holidays left and it would mean not seeing her boyfriend over xmas. She said its fine she will spend it with her boyfriend.

DD1 works full time and has been away twice this year, girls holiday and away with her boyfriend. She is going Berlin later this year, Barbados in Feb and Cuba on a family holiday with us back end of next year so she has been away this year and plenty to look forward to.

But I feel really tight! Her dad will be in Thailand so she will have no parents in the country!

what do you think? bad parent of the year award??

OP posts:
kali110 · 17/09/2013 12:20

No its her choice. I couldnt go on hol many times because of work and bf, but always told parents to go

spg1983 · 17/09/2013 12:20

You asked her and she said no - I think that is ok as long as you are both happy with it. It's not like you booked it and told her she couldn't come or she'd have to pay for herself if she did decide to come. Not sure what else you could have done! YANBU :)

Yonihadtoask · 17/09/2013 12:22

I think it's fine to leave her.

She is an adult, has a job, had some holidays already.

YANBU

ShoeWhore · 17/09/2013 12:23

I'd be tempted to spend Christmas Day with dd in the UK and then fly out to surprise MIL shortly afterwards (flights usually much cheaper if you go after Christmas Day as well) - or go to MIL for New Year.

Bowlersarm · 17/09/2013 12:23

Yep agree with others. You asked her, it is totally her decision to accept or decline. Nothing to feel guilty about.

topicsactiveimon · 17/09/2013 12:24

You did offer. She's probably looking forward to Xmas with the boyfriend. Go on and enjoy your Christmas abroad.

Original poster
mehimandthegirls · 17/09/2013 12:31

wooohooooo! I actually feel better, my DGM made me feel shit about it this morning.

I wouldn't actually see her over the xmas period any way as she is always out and it was dubious if the sickeningly in love couple could drag themselves apart for xmas dad, so there was a possibly a chance they could have gone to his mothers a few hours away as she is on her own.

I'm just so conscious she doesn't feel left out now we have a little baby here. Silly I know, but she is still my little baby too!

OP posts:
Poledra · 17/09/2013 12:34

She's 18. That's an adult - if she prefers to stay at home then that's OK. You offered to pay for her to come, she has politely refused. Go enjoy yourself and make a plan for a famly day with her when you come home.

jeee · 17/09/2013 12:37

The only thing I'd be a bit concerned about is (and it does sound very negative) if she breaks up with her boyfriend before Christmas, and is suddenly left on her own. And you'll feel terrible.

Would she have other relatives she'd be able to go to for Christmas if this happened?

Weegiemum · 17/09/2013 12:41

I'd be worried about leaving an 18 year old home alone over New Year - word does get out and it would be ghastly for her if she got gatecrashed. And for you. If she's staying over at her boyfriends, I'd say it was ok.

Original poster
mehimandthegirls · 17/09/2013 12:44

weggie nope she will go to his mothers in the lake district. She wouldn't want to stay here alone and her bf has an apartment so no reason to be here............. I hope !!

OP posts:
ScariestFairyByFar · 17/09/2013 12:45

I was going to say yabu when I thought were leaving the baby but no your 18yo will be fine

MoominsYonisAreScary · 17/09/2013 12:49

I think as long as shes happy its fine, my eldest is 18 and this year he is going abroad with his paternal gps for christmas. It would be nice if we could all be together, especially as we are in a similar position and its the babies first christmas

We actually went away without him this year as he couldnt get the time off work, which he was fine about.

crazykat · 17/09/2013 12:53

At 18 she's an adult, if she tell you to go then go. I know at 18 I'd have been more upset thinking my parents had given up their holiday just because I didn't want to go with them.

Maybe have a little family Christmas before you go and exchange gifts or do it when you get back.

MackerelOfFact · 17/09/2013 13:00

There's still more than 3 months til Christmas - as jeee said, what happens if they break up in this time?

I think it would be different if she had other family in the country, but it sounds like you're completely relying on her relationship with her BF to be in a good place come Christmas, else she'll be on her own!

As someone else suggested upthread - how about going away just after Xmas?

sherbetpips · 17/09/2013 13:03

LOL I thought you were going to say the baby too! 18 year old has already made the choice - off you go and have a brill time.

livinginwonderland · 17/09/2013 13:23

Leave her be, she's 18. She'll have a great time.

MrsMongoose · 17/09/2013 14:47

I think she'd prefer to be left alone!

Original poster
mehimandthegirls · 17/09/2013 17:05

mackerel she has got lots of family! Both paternal and maternal GP, aunts, uncles. I wouldn't be thinking of going otherwise.

tbh if they fall out ill tell her to ring in sick and fly her out

OP posts:
TheContrastofWhiteonWhite · 17/09/2013 17:10

I opened this thread thinking it was a child you were going to be asking about.

I think you are fine. She is an adult and she can make adult decisions about where to spend Christmas. She is invited and has chosen not to come. She has plenty of family to visit if needs be (might be worth lining up a grandparent or something who would step in without hassle if there is a last minute falling out?)

mrsjay · 17/09/2013 17:37

I think if she is ok with you going and she has people to spend Christmas with then just go I am sure she have a great christmas she is venturing into grownuphood Grin and wants to do her own thing ,

mrsjay · 17/09/2013 17:40

if she does fall out with her boyfriend then as you said she has grandparents she could spend the day with, I think the idea of a little chirstmas before you go is nice, but even if you were here she would go to her boyfriends mums anyway,

flyingspaghettimonster · 17/09/2013 18:04

It is probably fine. I personally wouldn't as I know a family who went to visit family abroad leaving their 18 year old son home at his choice. he went to a party and then killed himself in a field on the way home. he was depressed, but nobody, not even his twin, knew. so I am paranoid now.

Original poster
mehimandthegirls · 17/09/2013 19:49

Blimey flying I can say that wouldn't happen to my DD or most tbh.

I'm going to do a small xmas 'day' before we go so her boyfriend will able to come over PLUS it will be cheaper to go for a xmas meal! resolved NEVER EVER to cook over the xmas period after last years marathon cooking fiasco!

OP posts:
peachmint · 17/09/2013 19:53

So you invited her and offered to pay for her and it's her choice? I think it's fine!

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