To hope that my dh realises how intense it can be at home with a nine month old baby when I leave them for two whole days and nights?

[mameulah]

Is that enough for him to get it? At the moment he doesn't know he doesn't get it. And whenever he does something with our baby I always end up being delegated a job. I am going to a funeral so it is not exactly an ideal set of circumstances. But I do hope he realises what it is like. What do you think he will understand after that he doesn't understand now?

What are you asking? What does he not understand now or not do that you wish he did? I appreciate you feel stressed about the division of responsibility now but you sound like you are setting him up to fail or hoping that he will? What are your specific issues - are you doing all the housework/night waking/etc? Are you going back to work?

From experience, DHs get a lot less stressed than mothers do, and he'll find it a breeze. Though they will both eat crap, at irregular times, dress like shit (if they get dressed at all), watch TV/DVDs all day and no housework will get done. Bed time will go out of the window.

My DH used to spend most of the time at his sister's or his mum's, and didn't "get it" when I said that wasn't fair - because I couldn't spend all of every day there.

It's not the looking after the DCs that takes up the time, it's making sure they have clean clothes, get to their activities on time with the right stuff, have some educational play, etc etc. None of this will happen on DH's watch!

The important thing to remember is that his way is his way, and that doesn't make it the wrong way. It's not worth an argument when you get back and find the dirty dishes still in the sink from Friday!!

I'm in same situ this weekend although for a less sad reason.

I know DH will get help from my mother but I think he'll be keen to show he can do it just as well as me we'll see!

I don't think you want your OH to fail, I certainly don't. You probably just want him to understand that its a tiring, full on, complex day. Interspersed with domestic mundanity!
I actually think it really helps if they do 'get' it. It helps to create more respect & reduces feelings of resentment.

tywy That is totally what I think is going to happen. Usually I would get EVERYTHING all ready for action before leaving. Make sure the dinners are prepared and ready, stock up on toilet roll, lay out the clothes, basically get EVERYTHING in place. On purpose this time I haven't. Not at all because I want him to fail. That is most definitely not what I want. (Although I can easily see why it would sound like I do.) But I do feel a bit undervalued. And yes I am going back to work, but not until January. He works a million hours a day because he works for himself. I have done all the night feeds and all the baby jobs.

wanted Exactly!!!

Hmm when DH looked after the DCs for the odd day here and there, that is all he did. No washing, cooking, cleaning etc got done, so he thought it was easy.

Then he was a SAHD for a while, and I swanned off to work

Well, I think you need a better plan in order to feel valued or appreciated. Your dh works a million hours per day and your baby is presumably less than a year old so he will take two days off and just chill. There's almost no food involved, no outfit coordination will be done nor is it necessary, the housework will just not be tackled and if he runs out of toilet paper in the two days you are away he'll pick it up from the corner shop along with his pizza/ready meal, while out on a lovely walk with the baby. Be prepared to come back and for him to tell you he doesn't know what the fuss is all about!

I haven't even broached the subject of being undervalued with him. In fairness he is worn out from working a zillion hours a day. More I think I mean that it will be 'his turn' each time with our pfb baby. And that has NEVER happened before. He feeds, or does the bath or changes his nappy. But each thing he does is always on its own, iyswim?

Bless them! Bless them all!

Please update once you return! And I'm sorry for your loss.

Our DDs are older teens now, but...

My DH was out of work for about 6 months earlier this year. Whilst he was at home, he took on all the housework and shopping, and had a meal ready when I got home from work each day etc.

He's been back at work for about 2 months. Nothing has been said, but the cooking and cleaning and shopping seems to have silently reverted back to being my domain.

I don't really mind, as I am a bit of a control freak, and hated not knowing what was in our kitchen cupboards - I like to know what's there so I can cook something of an evening on a whim. I just think it's amusing!!

Ha ha! 'ty'

Clue I most certainly will! And thank you.

YANBU. My relationship with DH improved (it was fine anyway) when he began to spend a day a week at home with dc1. He was suddenly able to appreciate how much effort goes into a bog standard day of baby and house maintenance, catering, laundry and entertainment.

Jolly I would love to make that part of our family week too. It is a great idea, a long way off for now though.

We're about to start splitting the week 3/2 as im gearing up to returning to work after having dc2. It means we're effectively running the show on one salary, but it's manageable.

Do let us know how he gets on!