Wwyd? Alcoholics and picking up pieces

[SheRaHasTheAnswer]

Sorry not aibu but need the traffic please! My grandparents are in their late 70's and are alcoholics. They can go up to 8 weeks without a drink (mainly because it can take 3 weeks to get over a binge) but they drink for days when they do binge. The latest is 4 days solid- they are still drunk at the moment but probably at the point now where their bodies will give up and they will be in bed. I only found out tonight they are currently on a binge- my aunt went down there and they had fallen at some point, had dried blood on their faces, nan emotionally unstable and my aunt called the doc- he came out and basically got her into bed where we hope she'll stay. Aunt has loads of other stuff going on and doesn't need this worry on top.

I'm going down in the morning with shopping etc and will clean up but I am so unspeakably angry and upset with them. We all have to worry sick about them, look after them etc because they feel so bloody ill and sorry for themselves.

Sober, they are wonderful, we're all very close- I'd do anything for them- move mountains to get the hospital appointments they need and they are able to look after themselves independently- drive themselves, go to clubs, gardening.

I just cannot understand their selfishness and self pity. Every time they say never again but my poor mum and her sister have had to live with it their whole lives.

their house is not safe for them like this. I need to get them to sell up and move into warden accommodation. Somewhere they could be monitored in a less hazardous environment? No stairs, etc. I just feel like saying if they will continue being selfish like this we cannot support them just to get them to move.

Grandad had pancreatitis last year- I did everything for them and managed to support them but I honestly don't know if it happens again how I can justify to my dh waiting on them hand and foot and the impact on our family life if it is self inflicted. Yet can't leave them to their own devices. Help!!

The really awful thing about alcoholism (and other addictions) is that, unless and until the addict wants to change themself, nothing anyone else can say or do will make any difference :( It is so damn hard to watch someone you love destroy themself daily, and not be able to do anything to stop them - I was married to an alcoholic, and I think that perhaps the hardest thing of all was actually realising that as his wife and children, me and my sons could not compete with the drink - we just didn't matter as much as the next can did, and were never going to.
It was one of the hardest, most painful things I've ever come to terms with in my life I think, but in the end, it hurt more to try and carry on than it did to leave, and he turned violent to my son
I don't know that grandparents in their 70s would actually be a physical threat to you, so to speak, but it must be heartbreaking for you and the rest of the family to have to watch them as they drink themselves silly :(
They are wrapped up in the drink, and then each other though, and might not even truly register when the rest of you are there if they are "that far gone"
Could try and "love the sinner, hate the sin" maybe - tell yourself they are in the grip of a vile addiction that is simply stronger than they are, and hold any good memories you have of them from the past? Then just try and be as compassionate as you would be to anyone who needed it as regards the physical help and support you might give them.
And do not EVER blame yourself, or anyone else but them, for their "state" - it is so damn hard not to, but it is nobody's fault and especially not yours...

So sorry you had to go through that PomBear. Thank you for your thoughtful post and advice, it makes sense to treat them and their addiction separately.

I think I'll print some info off for DH & I to read re alcoholism, the problem also comes from the fact he doesn't love them
Unconditionally like we do, so even when they're sober he cannot forgive what it does to everyone. ( Hes only vocal about it to me) I'm only angry whilst its going on iyswim.

Both GP's are on warfarin so it makes the whole
Binging twice as dangerous. Would social services be able to intervene do you know please?

This sounds horrible for you and your family...I don't think they're really in a position to sell and move though. This would be tremendously stressful for them, and by extension the family as well, and stress llike this may even make the drinking worse, at least in the short term. Social services may be able to offer at least advice, as there may be a safe-guarding issue here. Worth a call at least.

Your DH loves you rather than them, iyswim, that's why he gets irate (I suspect anyway)
Not sure about social services - the thing is, hard as it is to get your head round, they are both adults, and are free to make their own choices in life, even when they are bad and damaging and hurtful ones :(
They are lucky to have you to care though SheRa and hopefully they are aware of that, somewhere deep down.
Hang in there lovey.

Ultimately, you can't 'fix' people who don't want to be fixed. My sister had a severe alcohol problem, as did a cousin. I wanted to take my sister to a friend's croft on a remote Scottish island to stop her drinking. What was I thinking? I think its because its hard to see people we love doing this to ourselves. My cousin carried on drinking and died from liver issues, barely 50. My sister got it together when the time was right for her. Two cases, two opposite outcomes. If you think I can be of any help, PM me. I am also trained as an Alcohol Counsellor. Probably drawn to it cos of the family issues...

Thank you both, just been down there, they are feeling very sorry for themselves - obviously today theyve decided they'll never drink again! They are physically safe albeit a bit bruised and battered, and they have food.

So sorry to hear about your cousin Parsley and glad your sister got her life back. I think you are very brave to counsel others through it when it has already been so consuming in your own life. I appreciate the offer of help, thank you.
You were right about moving- they wont entertain it.

PomBear, that is exactly how dh feels. I'd be the same in his position too I would imagine.
Thank you both so much for your time, your posts really did help my frame of mind today, I didn't lecture them, felt less angry, In my head I told myself to act like it was the flu! Xx