To move on from uni friends

[Belle15]

Long story so bear with me..(on phone so apologise for typos).
I have a group of 3 friends from uni. We all now live all spread out through the country so to see any of them it's a good 2 hour drive. I am
The only one of us to have a child (now 20 months old). Our friendship has always involved lots of going out drinking etc and we met fairly regularly for nights out after we graduated, had holidays together etc was very close. I met my dp and got pregnant (accidentally) and therefore things changed for me quite suddenly. Shortly after baby was born she was very ill and then partner had a full mental
Breakdown and was almost sectioned, off work for months. Was generally a very difficult time. Due to
All this I didn't really have time to invest in my friendships or money to travel as my partner lost earnings through illness And I was on maternity. My friends were good about this on the whole and came to visit a couple
Of times which I really appreciated. However since then I have had the feeling they've been annoyed at me
Not making the effort to go
Out on a night out woh them. It's been difficult to do this as it would involve leaving dd for. The night and being hours away and unable to drive which worries me in case
Something happened and I couldn't get to her. Also would have to pay for
Petrol/ travel up the country and money for night out and money has been
So tight me and my partner have barely been able to feed us all for the last 12 months.
I messages my friends last week saying that I miss them and I'm sorry I have been so crap at keeping in touch and now they want to meet up for a weekend away in Scotland! Now I feel bad saying no but I just can't afford it although they say they will keep it cheap and I feel
I can't justify spending that when me and my partner haven't been able to afford
Any time away together and I feel uneasy going so far away from little one.
Wibu to move away from these friends and just accept that we are in different places in our lives now? Weekends away drinking jut don't interest me
Anymore and don't fit in woth my life but
I am aware that might seem selfish to
Them. I have a really close set of friends from
School who are local
To me and v involved in my family
Life and with my daughter (though they also have no chn yet) but we do
Meet up regularly for meals, DVD nights the odd night out
Etc and they are so lovely
And just like family. So in some
Ways it's not
As if I need my
Other friends and they don't need me either.
Just looking for some impartial advice

It's not difficult is it? Spend time with the friends you want to.

I know I suppose you're right just is hard to completely let go of friendships I've had for almost 10 years and seems sad. Not sure if I'm
Being unreasonable for saying I can't go for this night away as am expecting them
To be pissed off
About it and claim I won't make
The effort

Friendship groups do change after you've had children because you change. Keep in touch with them if you want to but just nicely say you can't afford to do things like that. Like pag says spend time with the people you want to :)

That's the test though isn't it Belle15?

Real friends will be sad you can't make it but will try to understand that your life involves situations and circumstances that theirs don't. They won't call you names and make you feel bad.

My dh had one really close friends who didn't initially understand when he had chikdren and they didn't. Then they did and all did a collective 'ooooh, I get it'
They are all going away together in October
Explain but don't feel bad if they give you a hard time. They'll understand at some stage.

I think deep down I know u are
Right and think me not going away with them will just be the catalyst for us going our separate ways . Am I being overly precious to not want to go far away from dd and drinking? Just think it would be Sod's law for something to happen when I couldn't get home. I think maybe as u say things wont really improve until they have their own family and realise what it's like and how priorities change. Know how
Much ppl
Without kids
Hate hearing that though! Cringe when I say it!

Time changes who we are.

When I went to University in 1997, I kept in touch with 2 of my then group of 12 over the next few years but as time went by, we drifted apart. They still lived at 'home' and I had moved away and stayed away when I graduated. 'Time' was called on our friendship in 2006 when one of them was gettiing married and my boyfriend of one year was not invited to the wedding. I felt awkward because besides the other friend, I didn't really know anyone. On occasions when we did meet, we always talked about the 'old days' but much of the conversations were about them and their mutual friends. I decided not to go to the wedding, politely declining the invite as the day was also my 1st year anniversary with my boyfriend. We just drifted apart and we live very seperate lives. The friend that married has been seen twice (on the metro and at the local supermarket by my mum) and on both occasions 'pretended' she didn't see 'us'. Pretty sad as I have no ill feeling towards her. The other friend I believe moved to Australia. The time had come to realise that we didn't have anything in common anymore and I felt it pointless to keep in touch. It was before FB of course!

Then at University, I met a lovely bunch of girls. I have kept in touch with one of them for the past 13 years but since getting married (to the boyfriend!) and having a little boy, I haven't the time, money or energy to visit my friend down South. The last time I saw her was December 2011 and though my little boy is 20 months old, she hasn't bothered to visit! I am still in touce via birthday and Christmas cards and FB of course - it allows us to share our lives without the need to be in each others pockets and to accept that our lives take different turns and for reasons out of our control, visits begin to decline.

I think it's YOU who has moved on with your life. You have a wonderful little family and our priorities change. If your friends are 'real' friends they will accept this. Anyhow, whatever is the matter with them paying YOU a visit? Afterall, have they seen your LO? She is part of your life and therefore anyone who wants a piece of me, also has to accept that I have a little 'mini-me' that is attached to me.

Also forgot to add that just prior to me having my little boy, I found one of the original group of 12 on FB. We both fell pregnant within 8 weeks of each other and despite living 2 hours apart, we see each other whenever we can and are quite close.

Who knows what the future brings. It may certainly bring your friends back together when you realise that your lives are drawn back on the same path.

My mum 'found' an old friend about 10 years ago after 20 years of being adrift! They are best pals now!!!

Friendships change, I think you're making this one instance into too big a deal tbh.

I've got friends with and without kids, some local, some far away, but friendships can still work if the people involved want them too, there's no need to see this as such a big milestone or turning point in your friendship, they've invited you, you don't want to go, maybe another time you'll want to or be able to, don't cut them out completely because of it

I do think that long standing friendships do naturally ebb and flow especially if you're not living that close to each other and are at different life stages. Out of my group of uni friends I'm still very close to 3 of them, 2 of whom have children as well but even with those 3 the friendship and the amount of time we have spent together has varied over of the years depending on circumstances/finances/locations etc. IMO it doesn't have to mean the ending of a friendship just an acceptance that you're not as close at the moment.

I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable for not wanting to be far away from your dc aside from the financial side of things. I hardly ever leave my dc overnight I hate being away from them. Could you invite your friends to stay with you? I tend to have childless friends over for dinner/drinks as saves having to worry about a babysitter/being away from dc and it's cheaper than going out especially if you ask people to bring some food/drink.

If you're not that bothered then let the friendships take their natural course, you may find in a couple of years if they have dc that you'll become closer again.

I think it's natural for people to go out of our lives. I always think its ok so long as others move into it, which sounds as if its the case with you. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to say you can't justify the time or expense to go to Scotland. If they're true friends they'll understand.

I don't think most people decide categorically to detach themselves from their friends. You might see a bit less of each other now. But if you keep the lines of communication open then it'll be possible to see more of them when your dd is older. Or you may become closer to one or other of them if they have children.

I wouldn't just ditch them. I don't see that you have to take such drastic action.

Well I messages them saying that Glasgow wasn't really doable given money issues and the fact it's so car away and wouldn't be able to get home in an emergency etc. said I was free any other time a little closet to home and they've basically replied saying they're annoyed as I can obviously afford to take my kids to the safari park for days out and Nando's to eat and that I should make sacrifices to see them!!!
Needless today messages back and forth have come to
The conclusion that our lives are just not in the same place anymore! I
Am
Furious at the cheek
Of them expecting me to justify spending money on my child.
Who needs enemies.......

Shouldn't care but feel really sad

Try not to dwell on it too much if you can, they can see life from your point if view they're not 'there' yet and they aren't even trying to see from your perspective.focus on your other friends and wait for your uni friends to get in touch. When they settle down with families of their own in the future

Now they're sounding a bit childish.

I would let this time go, but what about trying to arrange something yourself for you all to do nearer too where you live, in a month or so's time? Arrange it then, with a date in the diary.

That way you are making a real effort. If they say no, then you have tried, have the moral high ground, and the ball is then in their court.

Incidentally, I don't think having a 20 month old daughter should stop you having a weekend away, should you want to. Don't make her an excuse. If you can't afford it that's more understandable, but maybe you could save up a bit for it?

It's always difficult for the first person of the group when they have a baby. Different priorities come into play, and it can be hard for those who haven't experienced it to quite understand what it's like.

In general though, friendships should be able to absorb changes, and evolve with them. If they become too much like hard work then it's questionable whether they are worth it.