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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad and a bit cross for my son

39 replies

Abitsadmum · 16/09/2013 17:46

My 11 year old son is in his last year at junior school. It's a small independent school and we've always been pretty happy with it.

The prefects for their final year have been announced and he's not been chosen which would be fine except for the fact they've only left out 6 or 7 kids out of the original 30 that came up from year 6 last year.

I didn't saw anything to him about it but he's come home really upset because he's the only one of his friends not chosen and they've put a big photo of the prefects up on the school wall.

He's a really good boy, always polite and never in trouble. He's quiet, more of a team player than a leader. He is dyslexic and a bit of a dreamer but is popular and a kind, brave and loyal friend. He gets stuck in at sport, always volunteers for drama and loves music. He didn't get into choir first time but chose to reaudition the following year and got chosen.

I feel that all of these qualities have been overlooked and it makes me feel sad and cross on his behalf and that's ignoring the fact that I think they were wrong to leave such a small minority out.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
claraschu · 17/09/2013 06:10

Having prefects is horrible. Guaranteed to make people feel bad, and I hate the whole idea, especially at this age. It is completely unnecessary, and other countries don't do it. I really think this is one of the remnants of the bad old days which should be abolished.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 17/09/2013 06:17

We have had a similar issue at ds1 school. Yr6 have certain jobs allocated to them. Ds has had no jobs whereas others have two or more. He was SO upset - which is a big deal considering he is ASD.

SubliminalMassaging · 17/09/2013 06:24

sorry just realised you are talking abut Yr 6 prefects - I was talking about year 10 and 11s.

Lavenderhoney · 17/09/2013 06:28

That happened to me when I was about 8. My best friends were prefects, got little badges, and had to sit on the prefects bench in assembly whilst the rest of us squatted on the floor.

It was awful- and when I asked why, I was told I wasn't the right sort of person. Thanks for that.

Your son sounds lovely, and I hope the school try to make up for it. Good idea about having more privileges at home as well, to reward his general loveliness:)

peanutbuttersarnies · 17/09/2013 06:33

Yanbu. Happened to me at school and its very hurtful.

peanutbuttersarnies · 17/09/2013 06:38

I was well behaved (immpeccably). But lacked confidence. And when this happened to me it just dunted my confidence more than ever. I would speak to the school. But i am not sure it will help much

AdventureTed · 17/09/2013 11:09

I wasn't chosen to be a prefect because I was too quiet. I got the best O level results of the year though, so I didn't really care.

My daughter didn't get chosen to be a prefect either because she is too quiet, and she's just got the top GCSE results for her school. She was glad she didn't get chosen because a lot of her friends ended up as toilet guards and general lackeys while she got to concentrate on her exams.

At my school, the confident, sporty types were chosen to be prefects because they could keep the other kids in line, so the teachers didn't have to bother. My friend's violent brother even got chosen and got into trouble for hurting younger children when he was a 'prefect'.

The naughty ones used to win the prizes too, while the hard-working ones got ignored.

AdventureTed · 17/09/2013 11:25

This experience of injustice might spur him on to become a top lawyer, or more importantly, someone who has empathy for others (ideal if he becomes a parent/teacher/manager etc).

A couple of my children's teachers over the years seemed to have very little empathy for their young charges, whereas the ones who did care made school a wonderful experience.

Original poster
Abitsadmum · 17/09/2013 14:55

Thanks everyone, it seems that a lot of you have had similar experiences. My dad made a good point about are they trying to reward or develop the children?

The school prides itself on its caring and holistic approach...Hmm

OP posts:
JustinBsMum · 17/09/2013 15:17

I'm surprised that the naughty ones are left out too. I thought giving 'naughty' DCs some responsibility could encourage them to behave more considerately.

I think I would write to say that you feel it is wrong to have so many prefects and that this has put a cloud over what had been a happy primary school experience for DS and you are sad it will spoil his memories.

  • not so that he is then made a prefect but in the hope that some other wee soul won't be as hurt another year. Just reducing the number of them would help.

I agree with AdventureTed that it is a prob a good learning experience.

AdventureTed · 17/09/2013 21:58

The numbers of prefects involved may make children like your son feel specifically selected for rejection, rather than simply not having been chosen. The school must be made aware of this.

kiwimumof2boys · 18/09/2013 02:28

I really sympathise, your son sounds like a nice kid, a lot like my DS1, also like me when I was at school.
Unfortunately, as I discovered when I was younger, extroverted kids get noticed more, and (as was the case at my school in the 80's) if you're extroverted and good at team sports you're practically knighted on the spot ! (Disclaimer: I know a lot of you have DC who are good at sport, so please don't take offence !)
I don't know if its still the case, but but looking back, it was really unfair, and I hope they make it better for all types now. My DS1 is having a bit of trouble settling into school at the moment, and I really feel for him, he's reserved and prefers reading to sport.
I remember being given advice for kids who were a bit introverted and not really recognised, and that was to get them involved in activities out of school as much as possible. Does your DS do many things out of school ?

Original poster
Abitsadmum · 18/09/2013 11:20

Thanks. He's not lacking in confidence, just not one to push himself forward. He's done lots of extra curricular stuff in the holidays and he always enters it with such positivity, particularly loved the 2 day woodland bushcraft one! Their day is long so he doesn't do activities outwith school in term time at the moment although has done in the past.

No word from the school yet which makes me crosser! Also 2 of the new prefects were mucking about and generally being naughty yesterday Angry, 2 girls who have been disruptive on an off over the last couple of years(fairly mild stuff but all the same!)

OP posts:
AlansCatalanCat · 18/09/2013 11:25

It's much cooler not to be a prefect anyway. :)

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