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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think this is discrimination?

47 replies

PaleAndMysterious · 16/09/2013 15:45

I'm a single mum and I work full time office hours. I was looking at toddler groups that run at the wweekend, my local sure start centre runs a Saturday toddler group however it is only open to dads. I rang the group to query this and was told that I couldn't bring my child to this group and they do not have a weekend group open to mums. AIBU to be really upset by this? Surely it's discrimination?
I am thinking about putting in a complaint - but I don't think it would get me anywhere. I just feel it is another example of single mothers being discriminated against and it makes me Sad and Angry

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 17/09/2013 07:06

You are missing the point. To reach out and offer support to marginalised groups you do need to leave those that aren't in that group out.

I apply to two or three funds a week for money to keep the project I manage going. It's not sure start but something similar, we get very little central funding, the rest comes from banks, lotteries, health funds etc. Very rarely do I have the luxury of getting generic funding to run generic group s.

If you see a gap, start asking how can I fill it?

Crowler · 17/09/2013 07:12

I've been musing on this subject quite a lot lately. There are a few SAHD's at my sons' school and they seem pretty isolated. I feel badly for them, it's not an easy gig being the lone dad in a group of mothers - there's a lot of barriers to forming friendships.

This group was started for dads to feel comfortable, make friends, do guy things. I would leave them to it. Find or start another.

CoffeeTea103 · 17/09/2013 07:21

No need to go to extremes here with the discrimination. It just might be a group for dads who want to also feel comfortable with other dads and having women might change the dynamics. You are not different from any other mothers who can't make it during the week as they work. Why are you making it about you being single? Call the centre and find out if they offer anything else.

SavoyCabbage · 17/09/2013 07:34

I was in a sure start group when my dd was born, for mixed race children. It was invaluable for me. People started to complain, despite their being a breast feeding group for breast feeders and a dads group and an under one group.

The upshot was that the complainers were successful and the specialist groups were disbanded. So no support for struggling breast feeding mothers.

Deathbyladybirds · 17/09/2013 07:41

I remember getting annoyed about the bacon sandwiches. We weren't even allowed a cup of tea because of hot drinks round small children thing.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 17/09/2013 07:47

They need to review their rules...these "Dad's groups" are a great idea....our local one is good and there are Dads there who only access their DC on weekends...it's somewhere affordable (£1) where they can go and also meet other Dads...but they also let women in....there are not many...only one or two...

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 17/09/2013 07:49

Death Same here! Our Dads group has bacon sandwishes and our "Mums" one only had biscuits!

pianodoodle · 17/09/2013 07:50

I don't know any groups round here that are just for mums specifically however mums do make up the majority during the week.

I think someone is entitled to start a dad group if they want to though.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 17/09/2013 07:51

Blont but socialising is good for toddlers...time with your DC is not all about you....and what you want. Also, the Dads in some areas are on the breadline and when they get access to their kids if they are not with the Mother, then they often don't have anywhere good to take their child...one man in our local group lives in a bedsit for instance...another with his sick Mother. They can't afford the Zoo etc.

DefiniteMaybe · 17/09/2013 07:56

I'm suprised that your children's centre won't allow you to go, ours is advertised as a dads group but mums are allowed to go too.

Ledkr · 17/09/2013 08:00

We have a local dads group on a Saturday and they serve bacon sarnies and newspapers!
Pisses me off really as if dads need some sort of reward fir spending time with their kids.

Floggingmolly · 17/09/2013 08:02

Yabu

hackmum · 17/09/2013 08:09

ILetHim is right - this is how it works. There's a big drive by government to get fathers more involved in family life and spending time with their children, because research shows that children benefit from it. And they will almost certainly be dads who need help learning about how to interact with children. This is what Sure Start children's centres are all about - reaching out to the vulnerable.

OP, I guess you could suggest a single mothers' group, or even start one yourself.

BuskersCat · 17/09/2013 08:09

if you want a Saturday group, offer the run one, rather than complaining about it.

bragmatic · 17/09/2013 09:11

YANBU.

I presume if the OP wanted to run a bloody group she'd have offered. She doesn't want to. So what, she has no grounds to feedback that a good idea might be that it be offered to parents, rather than fathers?

YoureBeingADick · 17/09/2013 09:18

OP would you feel the same if it were a teenage parent group that only allowed teenaged parents to come? this would count as age discrimination according to your rules but surely you can see why it needs to be that way sometimes? and again, there is nothing to stop you running your own weekend group for whichever parents you feel need it.

lunar1 · 17/09/2013 09:49

I gave up with our local sure start as they dont like mums full stop. they run;

Young parents group
Grandparents group
dads group
babysitters group

they offer all these several times a week, then once a week they offer a stay and play, its open to everyone including those listed above so there are limited places and they have to turn lots of people away.

They cant even offer one hour for mums to attend, we relocated a week after ds1 was born due to DH's job. I was so lonely and isolated yet there was no play group or baby for me as they didnt deem me worth bothering with as i was only a mum.

jacks365 · 17/09/2013 09:57

Our sure start offers dads, groups grandparents, childminders and foster carers but it does also do a couple of groups for mums ( dads attend that too) the dads group is specifically tailored to anyone (not just men) who needs somewhere to take young dc during contact, its about supporting and helping them interact with their dc and is a completely different dynamic to the other groups. If you are looking for a group to socialise with then it wouldn't be for you because it's simply not that type

Lambsie · 17/09/2013 10:13

Surestart groups tend to be for those not catered for elsewhere and who most need support. My local centre has groups for those with children with sn. Would it be discrimination if you were not allowed to attend those?

IceBeing · 17/09/2013 10:41

Yup this is discrimination. Being told you cannot attend purely based on gender is discrimination.

It should be a 'working parents' club.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/09/2013 12:14

But then you'd be discriminating against SAHP. Or those who work shifts rather than "office hours."

YoureBeingADick · 17/09/2013 13:42

it's not based purely on gender. it's based on the fact that OP is not a dad. it's not because she's a woman- it's because she's not a dad. men who aren't dad's cant go to the group either so it isn't gender discrimination.

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