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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have been engaged for an entire week

25 replies

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 20:06

And my family (not my parents) have an opinion on who I should invite.

My one living Grandfather is very unwell. In the last decade he has suffered a massive stroke and brain haemorrhage. This year he spent four months in hospital following a succession of mini strokes. He is home now. Bed ridden but home. Very unwell in almost all senses.

I visited my Nan and Grandfather to show them my ring and talk about my news two days after I got engaged (phoned them on the day). My Nan essentially offered congratulations and said "of course I won't be because your Grandfather can't come". I said "what do you mean? You could get carers in for the day if you feel he can't come". She replied "so you're saying he isn't welcome". At this point I just said this wasn't the time or place to discuss it. We carried on chatting and all was fine. I've spoken with her since.

Now on Friday my maternal uncle turned up at my Mum's to discuss how much my Grandfather wanted to go etc. She said this was fine but he would have to deal with the logistics because as immediate family of the bride they would all busy with me.

I feel offended that unsaid but very much implied message here is that I am embarrassed of my Grandfather being disabled. This is not the case. I am concerned that given his health now he will not be well enough really. Frankly I feel that on any given day if I asked my Grandfather "do you want to be a Martian" he would say yes. I think it would be cruel to crow bar him into a suit and take him to an unfamiliar environment surrounded by people he didn't know or hasn't seen for 27 years. If he was health wise as he was a year or two ago I wouldn't care and everyone else could like it or eff off. I am genuinely concerned for his health.

This has turned into a ramble sorry. Essentially am I being unreasonable to worry my much loved but very ill Grandfather is going to be forced into a situation he cannot cope with?

OP posts:

Souredstones · 15/09/2013 20:12

We have 3 severely disabled relatives. All 3 were invited and the venue was chosen to accommodate the logistics of 3 wheelchairs. Sadly one died the month before the wedding, one was in hospital and the third came along with a space for a carer (we made it clear though we wouldn't feed the carer).

Basically, invite him. Let your nan decide what to do with carers etc and offer the option of booking a taxi after the ceremony or meal (as we did) for them and basically be as accommodating as you can but make it clear you will not be dealing with the minutiae of his care.

Souredstones · 15/09/2013 20:13

Also by offering chances to leave early it's not putting pressure on anyone

quoteunquote · 15/09/2013 20:14

Can't you just invite him and let your grandmother be the judge of if he up to it on the day?

gobbynorthernbird · 15/09/2013 20:14

Why would you not pay for the carer?

gobbynorthernbird · 15/09/2013 20:15

And yes, invite both grandparents but let them take care of logistics.

Original poster

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 20:16

soured

I would love him to be there. He's my one living Grandfather, I hate the idea he won't be.

It's his health I worry about. He is bedridden now. Hasn't been outside in months. I'm worried he would have a turn after the whole rigmarole of the day.

His disability doesn't bother me in and of itself. Other guests can accept it or leave.

OP posts:

Souredstones · 15/09/2013 20:16

For us it was budget issues. Family members could have fed the relative but wanted the day off, understandably, so brought a carer along. Turns out as the last minute hospital admissions meal couldn't be cancelled they had their dinner...

Souredstones · 15/09/2013 20:17

Then give him a token invite. We figured 2/3 of our disabled guests wouldn't make it but as they were close family they warranted an invite iyswim

HDEE · 15/09/2013 20:18

Souredstones, so you just left the carer watching everyone else eat? That is one of the most extraordinary things i have read. How mean can you be?

TakingThePea · 15/09/2013 20:19

If I was in your situation I would tell them he is absolutely invited, as long as he felt up to it. And if he wants to then great.

Souredstones · 15/09/2013 20:19

Did you read my subsequent post? But yes. The carer was there to work to feed my relative, not eat themselves. I presume in a 1:1 situation they don't eat lunch at the same time as their cared for person?!

Original poster

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 20:20

You're right. I love him dearly and would love him to be there on the day.

A worry I have is my Nan would insist he go for appearances sake rather than because he is well enough. She's lovely, cares for him 24/7 with the help of costing carers but I worry she will lose sight of things (she has before this is not unfounded).

OP posts:

Original poster

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 20:21

*visiting not costing

OP posts:

Souredstones · 15/09/2013 20:23

Then make the day as easy for her as possible. Ask the venue to book her a taxi if she needs it, or send grandad home with carers early if needs be, or she come just for the ceremony on her own etc.

We made sure we made the day easy for these relatives and gave them options to allow for fatigue and confusion. They were really grateful for it.

Congrats btw!

Bogeyface · 15/09/2013 20:23

Well no soured, but at a wedding it sticks out like a sore thumb that this poor bugger wasnt eating.

OK so he got a meal in the end but your plan was that he wouldnt, that is unbelievably tight!

DingbatsFur · 15/09/2013 20:24

If he is bedridden and near you could offer the option of dropping by to see him say on your way to the church or before the reception?
As I understand it (from personal experience with my own grandparents) if you have been in bed for an extended period of time and then made to be upright that yo can feel very dizzy and ill. A short visit would make for a lovely memory for all concerned.
Could be troublesome though if things are not close together.

DameFanny · 15/09/2013 20:26

Invite him - for the pure pleasure of sending him the invitation and wanting him there. And then ask whichever parent he's the father of to make sure that your granny does the right thing - whether that means bringing him or setting him up with good care for the day.

DameFanny · 15/09/2013 20:26

Souredstones · 15/09/2013 20:27

Wasn't an issue with the carer who came, so its not an issue for me.

Original poster

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 20:31

Dingbats that was something I thought of. I'd never forget about him just because he couldn't be there. I don't think my Nan would accept it though.

Damefanny he'd always be on the invite, even if he couldn't come, it's not because he's not invited iyswim?

It's not that I don't want him there, it's I worry for his health.

OP posts:

bouncysmiley · 15/09/2013 20:34

I had the same situation with my grandma. My aunty was her cater. I invited them both. My Aunty came, my grandma didn't but she was thrilled to have been invited and I called her on my way to the church. She was all dressed up in her Sunday best in her wheelchair at home!

Bogeyface · 15/09/2013 20:37

Well the carer would hardly say anything, but I would imagine that things were said that were not very complimentary to you! To a person who needs it, a carer or PA is not just an employee but a trusted companion. They can deal with the most intimate of things on a daily basis and can often become close friends, my cousins sons carer became godmother to my cousins youngest child.

It wouldnt have crossed my mind to do this at my wedding had a guest bought a carer.

Original poster

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 22:37

I hadn't thought of a carer attending for the day!

I do wonder if this is possible for my Grandad. Might solve some, if not all issues. As I've said before it's him being ill afterwards that worries me. But a carer being present may help things. There's a couple my Nan and Grandfather really trust and like. I'd be happy to pay them to be there on the day (they'd get wedding food too)

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 15/09/2013 22:45

Alis, that would probably be the best way to do things, if at all possible.

Original poster

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 23:03

Think you're right gobby.

Thanks to you all for being nice to me. It was a heart felt, slightly troubled OP.

OP posts:

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