To think it's too soon

[Neeliethere]

We've been separated for just over 4 months. I live just around corner and we were relatively amicable. Out for a meal the three of just over a week ago.

x told me earlier this week that he had met someone he likes a lot. He met for the first date around 4 weeks ago. He says that it's not a sexual relationship as yet. They are waiting a bit to see how things work out he says. Last Sunday he said that he had met her four times only. Today he tells me that tomorrow he's invited her round for the day to meet our daughter and have some breakfast, go out for the day then go out for supper in the evening. He has told my daughter that she's someone he is hoping to get to know better and that he really likes her. He has shown my daughter photographs of her and her kids and how much he is looking forward to her meeting the woman and her kids.

This only came out because I was asking my daughter this afternoon what she was doing for the day on Sunday. Was dad going to be there or could I spend some time with her. She started to tell one story, then it changed to another story and then it changed again. I couldn't work out what it was so I started to call her dad and she got really agitated. He told me a different story also. She got more distressed as her story was unravelling. I had previously arranged to go out with her on the evening tomorrow and she also said she didn't want to do that either. When I dropped her off and finally asked her dad I could tell he was getting very distressed and being evasive also. Finally he blurted it out that had invited the woman round for coffee in the morning and that she was to stay for a while and then go out for a bike ride, then they were coming back to the house for dinner with my daughter.

I was furious that he had put my daughter in a position where she had to lie to me at worst, but be evasive with me at best.

I don't know what others think. When would you introduce a new boyfriend or girlfriend? I think a good few months in. At least after a physical and full emotional relationship had started. At least until you really knew each and not when you were still skirting around each other trying to decide if you want to take it to the next stage or not.

I've told him I'm not really happy about my daughter being introduced to someone that has been part of his life for just four weeks, a very short space of time and is not really that committed to him or him to her. He says its none of my business if and when he get's to introduce new girlfriends. He tells me this is about the 6th person he's been out with over the last 3 months. I am afraid that if this one does't work out we are in a position where he will think it acceptable to introduce to just about any female he makes it past first base with. She will find herself being introduced to a string of girls until he meets the right one. She is 15. What do other's think?

I can understand why you'd be concerned, but I can also see your Ex's PoV. Perhaps he wants to get DDs opinion on this woman before he takes it any further. At the moment though, they are just friends, and your DH can introduce whichever friends he chooses to your DD. The part that worries me is that your DD obviously felt uncomfortable telling you about it. That and the fact that your Ex lied too. Did your DD think/know you'd react badly? I'd be wanting to make sure that she knows she can tell you anything, regardless.

All that said, must be a bit of a shock for you to see your Ex possibly moving on after 4 months, so go easy on yourself.

Personally, I think it is too soon - but it is his judgment call and you are going to have to deal with that.

On the covering up part - YAsooooNBU - out of order on his part

Men do find someone new in five minutes every time, odd isn't it. It probably will get serious, they do. It's never the same for the woman left holding the baby.

You are completely correct to be furious that he put your daughter in a position of feeling she had to lie to you, that is absolutely not on.

I don't think you're being quite as reasonable about the main issue though. Of course I don't know your DH, and don't know whether this is how he's approaching it, however I would have thought that after 4 dates, he's got to know someone well enough to know that he would like to deepen the relationship - and that introducing her to DD and seeing whether DD will get on well with her might be an important step for him in doing so. From the DD's point of view, introducing her at that stage seems more respectful of DD's feelings than leaving a meeting until much later when the relationship is already getting much more serious and committed. I would feel differently if DD was 4 or 6 years old but a 15 year old really should be given a chance at an early stage to express their feelings on whether a new person in a parents life is someone they can get along with.

He might be doing this introduction more so the new GF gets to see what she is getting into rather than for DD to vet her, which is fair enough I suppose. I'm not sure that a DD should be given the power or the responsibility of vetting the new GF. Surely that is the adult's decision.

My dad did this after he left my mum when I was 27. It was about 4 months later that he piped up with the news that there was someone he'd like me to meet.

It didn't go down well, still coping with the breakdown of my parents marriage and, in my case, strong suspicions that this woman had been on the scene a lot longer than 4 months. I also felt like I was betraying my mum who was still picking up the peices of her life (to clarify, it was very much him.leaving her)

Fortunately, as an adult with my own house, I was able to.control meetings. My dad ignored my (very logical) explanation as to why I wasn't ready and kept pushing for a meeting which just made me resist more. I met het for the first time last month, two years after his original request!

Adnittedly, this is extreme. I would sit down with your daughter and try and tease out how she feels about this. It's not fair to put her in an.uncomfortable position, either through loyalty to you or simply that she isn't ready. At 15 she's going to be becoming much more aware of her emotions and needs support and confidence that she'll be listened to.

If she's ok with the situation then I'm afraid you'll have to sit on your (understandable) discomfort. If she's not happy then her father needs to know this. My dad was totally blinkered to any one else's feelings and keen to play happy families. He's forgotten that the two of you were probably aware of issues in your marriage for a while and so had begun the process of acceptance, whilst I'm.guessing your daughter was told much later and so is further behind. If she's not happy he has to.put that first. Fine, see this woman and see your daughter but wait until.your daughter gives the ok for the two of them to meet.

Just my thoughts :)

My exH introduced our eldest (15yo son) to his new girlfriend of 3 months about a month ago. He has no interest in involving them in each other's lives, at the moment. I must admit I was a bit concerned but actually it was fine.

They met, spent a nice couple of hours together, DS came home and she hasn't really been mentioned since.

I can understand why exH wanted them to meet. He loves his children and is very proud of them. He wants to show them off to someone who is important to him. I also suspect there was an element of validating the relationship by introducing her to DS so that she wasn't a secret. I've assumed this on the basis that he always said that he thought that was why people wanted to introduce children to new partners early on.

He hasn't introduced DD yet. I said I thought it was more important that we waited for that one and he agreed.

To be fair to him, he spoke with me before introducing the girlfriend to DS and when I expressed concerns re: DD, he said he'd had similar thoughts and agreed.

At some point I might want to introduce someone else to the children so I'm not going to be deliberately obstructive, but at the same time, the children are my priority. But then they are his too. We still operate very much together in terms of parenting. For now.

In your case, it was definitely the deceit rather than the introduction that I think is wrong.

thank you for your input everybody. I think bottom line is I am not getting over this break up very well and looking for every excuse to have a moan. It's her birthday in two weeks time and we were planning a large party in the marital home, which they are currently in but I am moving into in two weeks tim and he is moving out.

It's going to be so hard to be there knowing she's been in the house. I just can't stop this feeling of hurt and ache. Daughter is actually keen to see her so I guess I can't do anything about it.