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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you how to cope?

20 replies

BeKindToYourKnees · 14/09/2013 20:31

I've been a single parent for 15 years and next Sunday my only DD will be leaving to go to a fantastic Uni.

Every decision I've made (where we've lived, where I've worked/my hours etc) have been geared to giving her the best possible opportunities.

And in a week she will be gone. I feel that my life is over - I won't be able to afford to live in this (mortgaged) house anymore as her father won't be making maintenance payments and my tax credit and child benefit has ended.

I've also spent the past 10 years (along with my sister) caring for my Mum but she moved to a care home 6 months ago.

I have a full-time job, but my boss refuses to give me any proper work to do, so I spend the majority of my working day on the internet.

I feel I am no use to anyone anymore - not my daugher, my work or my mum. I hate myself for feeling like this

OP posts:

Donnadoon · 14/09/2013 20:34

Try and see the positives It's now time for you and all the things you couldn't do before :)

froken · 14/09/2013 20:36

It sounds like you are a fantastic mum and daughter. I don't have any 1st hand experience as I'm at the beginning of my time as a mum but I just wanted to say that many young people very much need their parents whilst they are at university. I needed ny dm more wheni went away to uni than when I lived at home.

The uni holidays are so long, will she be coming home in the holidays?

My mum got pregnant the week I got accepted onto my university course but I don't think that is an ideal solution for everyone!

Hugs

marriedinwhiteisback · 14/09/2013 20:37

You have done a fantastic job. Your daughter will need you for the rest of her life.

Stop surfing the internet and get yourself a more fulfilling job. Be thankful you have achieved what you have so far on your own and think of it as a new beginning with you at the heart of it.

I know it's a wrench - DS is off nexxt weekend too and even though I have dd at home still it's a whole new chapter. HUGS

cardibach · 14/09/2013 20:37

I worry about this, too, BeKind. My DD is in Y13 and it has just been me and her since she was 18 months old. I agree with Donna. Try to think of things you can do for you.

Tee2072 · 14/09/2013 20:38

Find a new job. Sell your house and downsize. Live your life for you now.

bigkidsdidit · 14/09/2013 20:38

Well done for bringing up your daughter :)

Time to look for a new job?

Original poster

BeKindToYourKnees · 14/09/2013 20:52

I know I need to look for a new job, but I will be 50 next year. Potential employers aren't that interested in women of my age, despite that fact that I won't be taking any maternity leave

OP posts:

Vivacia · 14/09/2013 20:55

What's your current job? Is that something you can develop further?

I'd give myself a limited time period to come to terms with the situation and to plan what I wanted from the next stage of my life.

marriedinwhiteisback · 14/09/2013 21:00

I think you are wrong OP. My organisation has just hired three women, over 50, including me. One admin. One professional and one head of department. Retirment age is 66 now, that's 17 years of workn no babies, no childcare and companies are getting wise to it. Power to older women.

MammaTJ · 14/09/2013 21:08

You have been a brilliant support to your mum and your sister, you have brought up your child to go to university! You are an awesome person!

Now, the job you have was fine while you had a lot on your plate, but is not enough for you now! You need to address that, as that is the one thing you can change out of all of it.

Apply for loads of more challenging jobs! Let your boss know you are doing this. Maybe you will actually be given more challenging things to do in your present role!

BTW, not sure of your age but I am 46 and starting a degree at uni on Monday!

WilsonFrickett · 14/09/2013 21:10

Totally agree with married. Lots of possiblities/potential in your future.

I would give yourself one week to eat chocolate and cry in the bath, then I would get a list together and get cracking.

Sort out the housing - you need to be on the front foot with this, if you're not proactive it's easy to get into arrears etc. this has to be your first priority. Then look for a new job, look at courses etc to help you get your mojo back. OU would be perfect for your circumstances and a real confidence boost. And think about volunteering, night classes, creative writing, samba classes - whatever floats your boat. There's a whole world out there, just waiting for you.

Itstartshere · 14/09/2013 21:18

Could you get a lodger in for the moment to help with the mortgage so at least you have that stability? If you get a student or two in you could be 'mum' to them, cooking meals etc for them.

It must feel like a really scary moment. I think at this point you just have to embrace life. If you did sell the house could you go on an extended holiday somewhere? Could you take up a language? Do some internet dating? I think looking for a new job might be good too. I don't think there are any easy answers, it must be so daunting, but you are in control and you can still have a really great future ahead of you.

Original poster

BeKindToYourKnees · 14/09/2013 21:28

Thanks all, that is the kick up the arse I needed. I will look for a new job and wilson I will sit in the bath and eat chocolate for a week.
MammaTJ you're right, I need to tell my boss that I am looking for a more challenging job

OP posts:

whitesugar · 14/09/2013 22:01

Kind, honestly you are being very hard on yourself. You have singlehandedly raised your DD so well that she can leave home and get on with her life. If I was you I would get a bottle of champers and toast yourself. You obviously did something right. I work in a large public authority where sometimes staff end up with no duties and are left to rot. They tell me it is totally soul destroying and I don't doubt it. Just keep thinking of the pay packet and look for other jobs. Its not going to be a breeze but you have nothing to lose by looking. Even if nothing comes of the search for work do a course online. Your employers dont seem to give a hoot. Learn a language, do something you like.

Its not your problem that your employers dont use your skills, screw them and enjoy your day doing something worthwhile on the internet. At least your wages are going in every month. Unemployment is not a better alternative. I am 47 and am a single parent of two teenagers, 16 and 14. I would see it as a big acheivement if they left home and went to study or work. Well done you.

maddy68 · 14/09/2013 22:07

I was exactly the same. Honestly I was. You make them your whole world and then they are off!
Try not to let her see your anxiety (so hard)
You won't believe this when I tell you but ... In a few months time, when she is home. While you will love every minute of her being home you will feel a sense of relief when you have your house back to yourself.
I never thought I would say that but it's true.
They become adults and so do you!
You start having your own life ( which you build as a coping mechanism) strange but true.
We are best friends tbh but the relationship is an aunt one not a aren't/ child. Weird but lovely.
You WILL sob your heart out, but it will be ok because you know you have made her independent and equipped to become an adult.

whitesugar · 14/09/2013 22:08

BTW when my brother was in his 20s he taught english in Vietnam. He hold me that a large profile of his colleagues were women in their 50s who had decided sod it to staying at home in surburbia when their DC left home, did a TEFAL course, and went to Nam! It doesnt have to be Nam but maybe we should all starting thinking outside the box.

maddy68 · 14/09/2013 22:08

Adult bloody I pad :)

whitesugar · 14/09/2013 22:16

Meant to say TEAFL!

NationMcKinley · 14/09/2013 22:20

Hi Bekind you sound spookily like my SIL a couple of years ago: she was feeling incredibly low (she's suffered with depression in the past) as her children were flying the nest, her marriage broke down several years before, her job was unfulfilling, she was overweight and about to turn 50. You name it! Anyway, we spent an evening drinking wine planning a Fifty Things To Do Before Your Fifty project. Some were very simple, she wanted to learn to make that MN favourite the Lemon Drizzle Cake (she's not English if that explains why she was so keen), some were harder like losing weight. She joined a gym and really enjoys it. I think a lot of her problems were confidence related; culturally, she was expected to raise the children and run the house but then her husband buggered off. As she's begun to do more for herself her confidence has grown hugely. She's now branching out at work too. I suppose what I'm rambling on about saying, is that I know it looks difficult now but try to see this change as a positive thing; your DD will still need you but now maybe it's time for you to do something for you too? Oh, and one of my SIL's children has returned home after uni! Best of luck and I hope I didn't waffle too much, it's been a loooong day

gwenniebee · 14/09/2013 22:26

I remember my mum said she felt like I had died when I went to uni, she really felt that I was "gone" from her forever. All I can say is that I am turning 30 this week and she has been here today with me, and my dh and baby girl to celebrate with me. I need her as much now as I ever did, even though sometimes that is just for her to be on the end of the phone. Your life, and your daughter's are changing, and I'm sure it will feel empty in your home when she goes... but she will still need you and value you.

Can't comment on the rest of your post as it's not personal experience, but it does sound like a new job would be a great move :)

Good luck.

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