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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really sad about this...

23 replies

HHH3 · 14/09/2013 19:22

I've just realised that the only time anyone texts (and occasionally phones) me is either in response to a text I've sent or if they need to ask me something.

I probably text various friends maybe once a week or so to see how they are. It's occurred to me that no-one ever does that to me.

I'm a lone parent and do get very lonely. Have some great friends but they mostly have partners (and their own families). I understand that they're busy and obviously spend family time together but I guess it just adds to how I feel - which is that I'm no-one's priority. I don't expect people to drop/interrupt things for me but it'd be nice to know people think about me occasionally

OP posts:

Mogz · 14/09/2013 19:28

You're not alone, I can't remember the last time anyone but my mum called or text me without prompting. It's gotten me down so much recently I've simply turned my phone off.

elcranko · 14/09/2013 19:42

Just a thought- maybe your friends don't get a chance to text you first if you are texting them a couple of times a week to see how they are?

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. Could you talk to your friends/family about how you're feeling?

CoffeeTea103 · 14/09/2013 19:46

Sorry you feeling down. But maybe because you are on your own you are more aware of it. Your friends may not realize how much time has passed in between messages as they may be busy with their kids, families etc.

springydafty · 14/09/2013 20:46

ime people have what they want and anything else is a nice added extra. ime as a single parent, that is. they are fully committed to their husband family unit and see no need to get their needs met elsewhere. They are mad imo, you can't get everything you need from one person, but there we go. (and what happens if they lose that one person??)

With a lot of my married women friends I've often felt like a good book they get down off a shelf. If I hit a crisis, they are there, up to a point - but otherwise they don't see the need to keep me on the boil. They're sealed in to their marriages ime and they expect me to 'have a life' and don't care to think that 'having a life' is not easy when you're a single parent and it's all down to you.

If you're texting twice a week, they won't see the need to keep you on the boil either. You're available, so they don't need to do any work. I know that's dispiriting but you may need to think about being harder to get iyswim. It could mean that quite a lot of them drop off, which is, again, very dispiriting. I think you have to face that their priority is elsewhere, that they're not committed to you in the way they are committed to their husband family.

springydafty · 14/09/2013 20:48

I keep an eye on my friendship quota that a good percentage of them are single. I start getting miserable if too many of my friends are married, for the reasons above.

shellbot · 14/09/2013 21:16

I'm a lone parent and have 2 married friends so I can relate to what springydafty says. They have their husbands so all I'll be is someone in the background.

I don't know about you but sometimes I always seem to be the one suggesting meeting up and wonder if I left it to them whether they'd bother.

Musicaltheatremum · 14/09/2013 21:19

I am short of good friends too. I have 3 who contact regularly but it is sad. I am now alone at home as my husband died last year and both children have left home the youngest 2 weeks ago so it is hard.

spottygoat · 14/09/2013 21:25

Yanbu :(

I used to have lots of friends but when I had my DC I didn't want to get pissed every weekend so that was the end of that.

I made some 'mummy' friends and was very close to one and she was my only real friend but she's now dropped me too. I have nobody and feel very sad too.

Mogz · 14/09/2013 22:01

Aww, I think we should all be friends! So, how are you all? Having a nice weekend so far? I'm off to Norfolk tomorrow to meet some long lost relatives over Sunday lunch, quite excited.

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2013 22:05

You're taking the amount of texts someone sends as a measurement of what/when those people think about you, but it doesn't mean anything, apart from the fact that you're not having the amount of meaningful interactions that you personally need.

Without saying this in a harsh way, only you can solve that one.

If relying on the people you know at the minute to fill that need isn't working (not for any malicious or thoughtless reasons on either side) you need to find someone/something that can fill it.

I don't like thinking of anyone being lonely. I used to be but managed to conquer it. I've still got the gap, but I've found other things to fill it that don't involve other people. Being 'self sufficient' and not needing other people can be a relief, then when you see other people it's a bonus (if you like that kind of thing ).

Calloh · 14/09/2013 22:13

I love my friends so bloody much! Really do! They're brilliant and so important to me but at the mo I rarely text them unless its in response to a text or with a query.

It doesn't mean I don't think of them lots or that I wouldn't drop everything and go and see one if she texted me to say she's had a bit of a rubbish run of it recently and could we go out for a drink.

With regards to marriage mentioned above I would say I've never felt unhappier and lonelier than when going through a bad phase in my marriage. (Not that that is relevant).

Anyway could you arrange to meet them and have fun? Maybe also tell them you are feeling unloved and isolated? Would it also be possible to do more things out of the house in the evenings as well to meet new potential friends which always makes one feel happy?

Anyway hang on in there, I know it's shit to feel like this but you sound lovely and considerate and I'm sure your friends adore you!

HesterShaw · 14/09/2013 22:20

To be honest, I think it's a symptom of today's society when people email and FB so much more. Being 100% honest, apart from family, no one has phoned me for a chat for actual years. Texts from friends only come after we have arranged something via FB e.g. meet you outside Waterstone's at four.

And I don't even have children!

You're definitely not alone.

springydafty · 14/09/2013 23:32

Maybe also tell them you are feeling unloved and isolated?

I said something like that to a 'friend'. I was dropped, forthwith.

so be careful who you say stuff like that to!

ime it's a rare person who can take it when you say something like that. You either get the caretakers who crawl all over you trying to sort you out, or people run a mile.

But maybe that's just my experience and I am incapable of letting people 'crawl all over me' - which may be them just being nice.

I agree with agent about enjoying your own company, being self-sufficient (without being sealed off iyswim). I think there's a lot of social pressure to be either in a relationship and/or have lots of friends. A lot of the pain of being on your own is beating yourself up about not having a relationship/friends. Or envying those who do. It sounds twee but there's something to be said for being on your own - if you settle into it, it can be the biggest treat.

BillyGoatintheBuff · 14/09/2013 23:57

mogz good luck with meeting your family member!!

BillyGoatintheBuff · 14/09/2013 23:57

typing with one hand - sorry for crap short message :s :)

AgentZigzag · 15/09/2013 01:12

I agree with springy, definitely.

Saying you feel isolated to a DP is different to saying it to a friend (not everyone obviously, but it can be high risk, even if they 'use' you for the same thing). A DP has made a commitment to you to be there through thick/thin, but saying it to a friend could come across that now you've said it they're obliged to meet the need.

You could have a great friend who just might not feel comfortable with that pressure, it's not that they can't stand you if they back off, it's more that the friendship to them should run along different lines.

I haven't lived on my own for 13 odd years now, and I sometimes wonder whether I could still do it and be OK. I could definitely do the getting to sleep in an empty bed in a quiet room

Original poster

HHH3 · 15/09/2013 07:39

Sorry there are others who feel like this.

I wouldn't say anything to any of my friends in case they felt obliged to text/call/spend time with me. That shouldn't be how a friendship works. They're great friends and would drop everything for me in a crisis - I'm very lucky.

I guess I do need to learn to be comfortable on my own. It's just sometimes it'd be so nice to have someone to share the load or just give me a hug.

OP posts:

Original poster

HHH3 · 15/09/2013 07:40

Mogz - have a great time today!

OP posts:

claraschu · 15/09/2013 07:51

Musicaltheatremum I am so sorry you are alone. My first child has just gone, and I miss him so much; I don't know how you cope. You sound very brave to me.

I wish we could make friends with each other-

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 09:23

I go through phases of this. It makes me feel sad too. Not sure why it happens. I guess people just get wrapped up in their own lives and well, forget, for lack of a better word. It stings.

Mia4 · 15/09/2013 11:27

YANBU to feel sad OP but the truth is always, and should always be, that you are your own priority. That's not saying your friends shouldn't make time for you but perhaps you need to step back and do some things that mean interacting with other people? If you keep your great friends close but expand out a bit, maybe do some dance classes or something? Try and widen your circle to include other people?

Maybe have your friends over to dinner at some point, just to enjoy each others time and reconnect?

josephinebruce · 15/09/2013 21:26

I get the same thing. I have no children, no partner anymore and rarely hear from any friends. Sometimes weeks can go by when the only people I talk to are those from work - only one of which I class as a friend and she's brilliant...as a single parent she understands isolation. Everyone else, well, they're just wrapped up in their families and don't have time for me anymore.

daisychain01 · 15/09/2013 22:35

Hi everyone, phew survived the weekend with my mum! Actually it was lovely we didn't stop talking all weekend and poor DP didn't get a word in edgeways.

Sleep tight! xxx

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