To have told my DM that she is unreasonable?

[Faith48]

Or am I being over sensitive?

I gave birth 3 weeks ago to DS2 and I was in hospital for a week due to his health. When I came home DS1 (2YO) ignored me and DS2 and didn't want me near him, I hadn't been away from him for more than 2 hours in his life so I was devastated when I came home and he acted this way.

I live with my DM and DF as my Ex left me when I was 5 weeks pregnant with DS2.

Since being home I have had a lot of trouble with breastfeeding meaning that I haven't spent more than an hour a day playing with DS1 due to the attention I have to give DS2.

Every visitor that has come round to see DS2 has said how much DS1 loves my DF and how brilliant he is with him.

It has got to the point where if DS1 has to stay with me my DM says 'I know you don't like staying with Mummy but I've got to go out'.

Today my DM said that my DF is DS1's favourite by far. This hurt me and I told her that it is insensitive of her to say this considering how I feel at the moment and how hard I am trying to build the relationship I had with DS1. She said 'well DS1 chose DF as his favourite'. I told her that I was getting annoyed with all the comments about who DS1 loves 'more' and who he 'favours' and she has stormed out of the room.

AIBU? And over sensitive?

YANBU.

Sounds like a very hurtful thing to say! I'm not very well placed to offer support on the second child as only have DD, but I can understand your insecurities and although I'm sure they're completely unfounded and I'd assume when you get into a routine things will get back to normal, your DM should be helping you and your relationship with your son. Not antagonising the situation.

If it helps, DD1 wouldn't come anywhere near me when I first had DD2 (she's 4). No cuddles, nothing. DD2 is 5 months now and things are pretty much the way they were before DD2 was born, as it has got easier and easier to split time between them, and as BF got easier it has also been easier to do stuff with DD1 (read a story, play a game) while feeding. I do lots of "Wow, the baby loves you - must be because you are such an ace big sister" which she's buying and loves being the baby's favourite person!

Your mum really isn't helping - YANBU.

Yanbu

Not helpful and totally uncalled for comments. Sounds like your parents are enjoying being "the favourites" which is pathetic IMO.

Hopefully you can rebuild things with your ds as you settle into a routine with your baby. But those comments won't help. I'm actually quite cross on your behalf.

did you get DS1 a present from the new baby? that can help the bonding.
did he come to see you both in the hospital? or were you literally gone for a week?

either way your mum of all people ought to be more sensitive to a hormonal single mum who is trying to do her best for BOTH her DC

YANBU. Your mum is being very insensitive. Children are very fickle though about who is their "favourite"! Lots of my younger cousins have favoured one parent over the other for a while. I don't have any children so no experience of this but it sounds very difficult.

Have you had any outside help with the breastfeeding? And could you ask your parents to take over some of the other jobs with the baby (bath, changing etc.) to free up some time for DS1? I was about 20 months when my sister was born so my mum used to breastfeed my sister on my parents' bed while I snuggled up and she read me a story, then I'd fall asleep (and I think she would too in the early days! :)) and have my afternoon nap. I know it must be tricky when you're struggling with the breast feeding but could you try and involve DS1 in some way? Even if it's just sitting together on the sofa watching his favourite TV programme while you feed the baby.

Hopefully the feeding will get easier soon so you can start spending more time with DS1, then it might be an idea to try and go out every day without your parents so the children have time with just you, even if just going to the park or a toddler group or something.

You are his mummy, he loves you more than anything in the world and that's why he's struggling with having to share your attention.

Sorry if none of this is at all useful, I just didn't want your post to go unanswered :)

I can still see dd1's confused little face when her new sister came home from hospital. it took a few weeks to get my little girl back. HTH xx

I did give DS1 a present from DS2 but it didn't help at all, I also bought him a present to give DS2 and he refused to go near him to give it to him. Unfortunately DS1 was unable to come and visit me in hospital as his eczema flared so he wouldn't be allowed in the postnatal ward.

I have seen a lactation specialist and that has helped a lot with breastfeeding it's just getting DS2 into a routine when I know that I will be able to spend an hour with DS1 is difficult at the moment. I do read to DS1 while I am breastfeeding if he lets me but it is rare that he will actually sit next to me for a cuddle/story, I have tried everything to get him more interested.

My DM and DF help out with DS1 when I need it and I really do appreciate that but I am glad that IANBU about the comments because I was really hurt by them and I didn't know if I was just being over sensitive.

Really hurtful behaviour from your mum. YANBU.

After I had DS2 by emcs and both he and I were in.hospital for 4 days, DS1 (just turned 2) was a bit funny with me, he'd been with DH and grandma although had been in to see me. Because of the cs was hard to pick him up etc. But DH was really good doing stories etc with him but next to me so we could all have cuddles - gradually DS1 came around.

I hope your parents can see that they're being thoughtless and will support you and your relationship with your children better.

It's very tough when your first is 2 years old. DD1 was 2 when I had DD2 and for the first 4 months she referred to her sister as 'Baby', refusing to use her name. It passed. You sound like a fabulous mum and you are using all the right strategies - you'll get through this.

However, what your mum is doing is hurtful and wrong and you are not being oversensitive. Your mum should see that you are dealing with a tricky situation - including BF issues too! - and should be supportive, not divisive.