Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

about 'wetting the baby's head'?

47 replies

stripytopgirl · 14/09/2013 15:13

my DB's DS (pfb) was born less than a week ago by EMCS.
DB (30yo) has made plans to be in the pub from this afternoon to get 'pished'. he's there right now and plans for it to be a big one.

he's left his DW at home, days after surgery, with a days old baby that she is struggling to bf, to be out all day with his mates. no one around him or his DW thinks this is odd. I live on the other side of the country and feel like this is really irresponsible of him.

my siblings generally think I'm uptight anyway so I haven't brought this up with them, therefore I'm asking you, AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2013 16:26

So what are you going to do now OP?

I mean now that you've finally 'caved' and asked if she's happy or not?

ivykaty44 · 14/09/2013 16:29

yabu

Original poster

stripytopgirl · 14/09/2013 16:32

I let my SIL know I'm here for a chat if she needs it.what else can I do? I'm not taking sides. I was worried she might be sitting at home, upset and alone.
she's sitting at home alone and knows how to deal with the situation if it escalates. she's a big girl and knows what her boundaries are in her relationship.

her relationship, not mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

stripytopgirl · 14/09/2013 16:40

also....I kinda get the feeling that if SIL posted in relationships, something along the lines of....

I had my first baby only days ago, very traumatic and emcs involved.my dh is in the pub getting drunk with all his mates, I'm at home alone. I'm upset he's having more than a few drinks. what should I do?

she would get a lot of posts saying LTB or asking if he was an alcoholic.

but I asked AIBU and it appears in this thread the majority think I am.

OP posts:

Alohomora · 14/09/2013 16:41

My MiL had a really tough time giving birth to DH, came home from hospital late Christmas Eve, there was no food in the house, nothing prepared for Christmas Day, but FiL pissed off to the pub and just left her with DH and his 2 year old sister and still expected a Christmas meal the next day.

Now, this was 45 years ago but I found it outrageous then and think it's just as inconsiderate and rude nowadays. I can't see most dads wanting to spend time away from their newborn child, and especially if your SiL isn't happy about it and needs his support it is really not ok.

Cuddlydragon · 14/09/2013 16:46

How ridiculously politically correct some people are. Leaving your partner a few days post OP with a newborn for the sake of a drink is ridiculous and selfish. So judge away, he deserves it.

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2013 16:53

No, I think what some posters found unreasonable is you jumping in to start this thread, with no real knowledge of the situation or whether is DW was happy or not.

If you wanted everyone to join in with a virtual kicking, it might have been better to wait until tomorrow, to find out if there's anything to kick him for.

Scuttlebutter · 14/09/2013 17:00

The point is, OP, is that he is your brother, not your DH, and lives on the other side of the country with his DW and new baby - so it really is none of your business, and does not affect you, except in the sense of pinging the elastic on your judgy pants.

Original poster

stripytopgirl · 14/09/2013 17:06

I wouldn't have had to ask anyone if he was BU if he went out against his DWs wishes. I know he would have been.
I was asking because, to me, I feel he's BU regardless of whether she thinks it's ok or not. days old baby,DW post op, pfb. however, given that I'm apparently uptight, that's why I was asking strangers on the internet.
it appears to be a split of people who either agree with me or who only think I'm BU if his DW minds.

I thought I had made that clear.

excuse me while I remove my judgey pants from my ass crack.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2013 17:06

I love how so many MNetters never ever pass judgement on anything, ever. Even when it's your brother, not a random neighbour.
I think YANBU to think your brother is out of order and I feel sorry for your SiL. I hope it's a one-off.

Cuddlydragon · 14/09/2013 18:41

I agree OP. Even if his DW is ok with it, I'd judge any parent who prioritised booze over their parental responsibilities, especially whilst the other parent is recovering from major abdominal surgery. Maybe if people were a little more judgy and a little less "relaxed" he'd be dispatched back from the pub by his aghast mates.

Bumpstarter · 14/09/2013 18:54

My family wet the baby's head while I was in hospital. The whole lot of them got quite drunk, and partly it was a reaction to the massive tension they had been feeling during the labour and birth, because I was ill. There are photos of them all, drunk, in my baby's album. They are all clearly over the moon. They couldn't have been with me anyway cos there was no visitors allowed after 8 pm.

So I have NO PROBLEM with wetting the baby's head. It just depends how and when it is done.

BlueStones · 14/09/2013 18:58

Personally the tradition makes me a little uncomfortable, but in my family it's a weirdly macho male-only piss-up, usually on the day of the child's birth or the following day. I can't see why the birth of you child needs to be marked by getting utterly ratarsed, but each to their own.

attheendoftheday · 15/09/2013 09:24

Shitty behaviour, I would judge!

MikeOxard · 15/09/2013 11:57

Yanbu, it is shitty behaviour. I wouldn't be best pleased to be left less than a week after any operation which had implications for my mobility (as my emcs did), but with a week old baby? Shitness. Dh wouldn't do it, but if he did, he wouldn't be coming back in again. Wetting baby's head my arse, it's fuck all to do with baby and everything tomdo with not being concerned enough with your recovering wife and tiny baby.

KatAndKit · 15/09/2013 12:04

In the old days of this tradition, women stayed in hospital for a week, even after a normal delivery of a first baby, and up to 2 weeks for a c section. So, outside of visiting hours the men had plenty of time to "wet the baby's head".

Those days are gone now and most of us still need a lot of help and support after being discharged from hospital the same day or the next day. The baby's father is needed at home to provide that support - that is why they have paternity leave, not so they can go out getting pissed.

If your SIL wasn't happy about it why on earth did she not tell him that she was not ok about it?

MarmaladeTwatkins · 15/09/2013 12:06

YANBU

"wetting the baby's head" makes me feel stabby and ragey.

It isn't the man who's been through X hours of labour/has a fanjo that looks and feels like it's been done in by an axe/has cracked nipples from BFing/etc but yet it's him who's having a piss-up down the pub with his mates.

It's a tradition that should have gone out with square wheels and tbh, I judge any man that thinks that this is on as being a bit of a knuckle-dragger if I'm being honest.

Groovee · 15/09/2013 12:31

My dh went out to wet our babies heads when they were born. It was fine by me. I think if it doesn't bother them, then there isn't anything you can do.

HorryIsUpduffed · 15/09/2013 12:33

DH wet the baby's head with a single malt the day after pfb arrived, I think.

The "tradition" of a big piss-up dates from when men didn't help with the baby anyway and it was really celebrating "HEY LOOK, MY TACKLE WORKS". If your SIL had lots of other support around her (her mother, your mother, her sister, maybe) then I doubt you'd worry about her missing his help.

Yonionekanobe · 15/09/2013 12:45

DH went out with some of his friends for a couple to wet the baby's head, the night I had her, so when we were still in hospital. Obviously just for one or two as was back at te hospital early te next day. DD has a lovy photo if DH and her godfather raising a glass to her in her first year photo book.

Had DH proclaimed he was going out for a major session and to get drunk day's after birth I'd have been livid, but tend to agree that if his wife genuinely doesn't mind then it's not really for others to judge.

BrokenSunglasses · 15/09/2013 12:59

I was asking because, to me, I feel he's BU regardless of whether she thinks it's ok or not

You must think a huge amount of your own opinion if you think it's unreasonable for two people to do something that they are both happy with and that doesn't concern anyone else.

In this case, the wife does mind, so he shouldn't be doing it, but if she didn't then where's the problem? Either way, it's none of your business.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 15/09/2013 12:59

But OP has updated that she(DW) does mind hasn't she ? And not surprisingly !

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread