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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore neighbour's child's screaming? Quick advice please!

24 replies

DorothyMantooth · 13/09/2013 19:40

We have recently moved into a flat in a block of 8 apartments in a fairly deprived part of town. We are privately renting but the flat is in a Housing Association block. We are on one of the middle floors so have people living above and below us.

The downstairs neighbour is a young woman with a daughter of about 3 years old. I'm not sure if there is also a man there. We have only lived in the flat for 3 weeks and I've only bumped into the woman once, when we exchanged basic pleasantries and I had a little chat with her DD, who was quite chatty and friendly. However, almost every time I pass her door on the way out of the building I can hear the woman screaming and the DD crying her eyes out. I usually go out several times a day and there have only been a few occasions that I have not heard this.

Today I arrived home about 2.5hrs ago and heard the usual yelling and screaming. However, the child has not stopped crying at all in that time. I am sitting in my living room feeling awful as I can hear the poor child sobbing her heart out and I don't know whether I can do anything about it. I have no idea what this woman's circumstances are and why her DD is constantly crying. DH thinks we shouldn't get involved and frankly I'm not inclined to go and knock on the door - we have just moved in and I don't want to be causing trouble, and there could be a completely normal explanation for this. I am just so worried that something awful is happening to that child and feel so guilty that I'm just sitting her listening to her screaming.

Please someone advise me whether I should be doing something about this or whether I should just leave well alone.

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 13/09/2013 19:41

Ring non-emergency number and see what they say, you'll be anonymous.

cjel · 13/09/2013 19:43

I would ring someone, doesn't sound like mum is coping . I'm not sure who to suggest, maybe the out of hours police number and they will be able toadvise or point you in the right direction. Please don't do nothing this poor child(and mum) really need some support. well done for caring.x

NumTumDeDum · 13/09/2013 19:44

Call social services amd report it. They are the ones who will decide if any intervention is necessary, it can be totally annonymous, you don't have to give your name but if you do it is not disclosed to the neighbour. I don't think you'll relax until you do it. I've been in a similar situation, and if there is nothing wrong then no harm done. If there is, then you have helped the child. It's ok, go ahead and do it.

MissCookieIsNotABiscuit · 13/09/2013 19:45

Call 101 for sure. Just refuse to give your name or address if you don't want to.

EricNorthmanIsMyMaker · 13/09/2013 19:47

If it was a one off then I'd probably not do anything. We all have bad days & shout at the kids /the kids have tantrums. But as this seems to be a regular thing then Iwould ring someone & ask for advice.

Zone2mum · 13/09/2013 19:49

Call someone. 101 or Nspcc or social services. Let it be their call, but let them know.

CatAmongThePigeons · 13/09/2013 19:49

Ring 101 if you're concerned about the welfare of the child

mrspremise · 13/09/2013 19:50

I would ring 101 and ask for advice... Social Services may already be aware, for all you know... Think of the child, the constant screaming at her is emotional abuse even if "nothing else is going on". Please tell someone.

toddlewaddleflipflop · 13/09/2013 19:51

You can call the nspcc helpline on 0808 800 5000 and they will give you advice on what to do. It's anonymous.

thegamesafoot · 13/09/2013 19:54

I agree that you need to call as mum not coping and child's needs are paramount - see here:

www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/the-nspcc-helpline/how-to-contact-us/how-to-contact-us_wda89787.html

TrueStory · 13/09/2013 19:58

I would also ring and get advice about what to do, if anything, and remain anonymous.

(But there may be other reasons, before you jump to conclusions. I remember feeling the same many years ago about some neighbours, and then it turned out their child was deaf which explained a lot of the noise).

I hate this sort of thing. Poor child. Unfortunately it goes on all the time Sad.

JessePinkmansBitch · 13/09/2013 20:10

I would get advice and maybe report it to be on the safe side.

When my dd1 was 3 she could have screaming crying tantrums for up to 3 hours at a time. She's Autistic (we didn't know that then) and I would end up screaming at her on many occasion I was suffering from PND after having dd2 at the time. She may well end up getting help if you report it. I honestly wish someone had intervened way back when my dd was 3, as we had a really hard time back then. She was diagnosed till she was 8 and it would have made our lives a hell of a lot easier if we had had some help and advice.

bundaberg · 13/09/2013 20:14

if you've talked to the mum and she seemed nice then how would you feel about going down in the morning and asking if everything is ok? you could say that you heard lots of crying, and how hard it can be raising kids and you wondered if she needed anything?

if she's struggling to cope then a friendly face might be just what she needs.

i have no expectation that you should do this btw, just wondered if it's something you would consider?

if not then i definitely would call SS or local Health Visitor or someone like that?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 13/09/2013 20:19

Bundaberg's advice is exactly what I got in the same situation from the local sure start ladies. You can't ignore you would feel awful if something really bad was happening

SybilRamkin · 13/09/2013 20:22

Agree with other posters, please report this - if it turns out to be nothing then fair enough, but this really does sound like the mother is not coping and needs help. Sad

Original poster
DorothyMantooth · 13/09/2013 20:22

Thank you all for your replies. I will call NSPCC and get some advice. TrueStory, I agree that there may well be some perfectly reasonable explanation for this, which is why I am hesitating. I have a 5mo and know how it feels when they cry despite your best efforts, and people judge you for it. I don't want to be the reason this woman ends up 'in the system' if she doesn't need to be. That said, my DD has never cried for 3 hours straight (it's still going on) and this child sounds really distressed.

On a purely selfish note (this is awful) we are also concerned as we will not have any anonymity - we are the only new people in the building and judging by the regularity of the crying it has not only just started, so others must have been ignoring it until now. Even if no names are mentioned I'm sure she'll know it was us who contacted SS. I think this child's welfare is more important though. I'll call.

OP posts:
intitgrand · 13/09/2013 20:42

I dobn't know.My Dsis has a 2.3 yr old who could tantrum forEngland. If she is ever stopped from doing something she wants to she screams d screams and screams for ages as though she is in agony.But it is just pure frustration and willfullness.

Gruntfuttock · 13/09/2013 21:10

I know it's a tired old cliché, but "better safe than sorry" still holds true. I have been under suspicion myself and when it was realised that I wasn't guilty and I was given profuse apologies for the umpteen 'surprise' visits to my home I said that I 100% supported all they did. They simply wanted to ensure the emotional and physical well being of my daughter. I think I said "It's too important not to" about the lengths they went to.

All loving parents will have been upset and distressed at any reports of babies and children being mistreated and will applaud any neighbours who, with the interests of the child paramount, raise the alarm with the authorities when they see or hear something concerning. Because it's simply too important not to. If the parents have done nothing wrong, that's fine, but at least the defenceless child has been cared about and the only motives were to protect him or her.

dufflefluffle · 13/09/2013 21:13

Oh God: look at it this way: I have a four year old and I would be very worried if he cried for that length of time - unless he is seriously injured he doesn't cry (well he bawls without tears when I say no to chocolate for breakfast, lunch and tea!!). IMO of raising two children (as a not great/not always coping mum) that is an awful lot of crying.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 13/09/2013 21:35

I've been involved with the SS and I'm not their biggest fan however I would still report or be 'happy' to be reported myself if someone thought I was harming my dc's - kids must always come first

Original poster
DorothyMantooth · 14/09/2013 13:56

Just to update, I called NSPCC and they have said that they will refer to SS.

The screaming went on until after 9 last night and it's just started again Sad. Really relieved to have spoken to someone. I hope that someone like the HV follows up with the mum in the first instance, in case she's just having a difficult time.

Bundaberg, I haven't spoken more than a few words with the mum before (had a short conversation with the child but the mum didn't say much). If I'd had more contact with her I'd probably have followed your advice, but I really wouldn't have felt comfortable speaking to her about this at the moment.

Thanks all for your advice.

OP posts:
bundaberg · 14/09/2013 15:20

that's fair enough :)

well done you for phoning nspcc.
Let's hope if she's struggling that SS can get some support in place for her. Must be pretty miserable for them both.

bottleofbeer · 14/09/2013 16:56

My daughter (8) was very friendly with a little boy when they were at playschool together, he lives opposite us. Over the last year or so we've heard this child screaming constantly. He bolts out of the house screaming regularly.

He's never played out with any of the neighbourhood children (fair enough, totally his parent's decision) and when I knew him he seemed an entirely average kid. So it was a bit concerning when this all began.

I'm now convinced it's a special need but do understand how horrible it is to hear it and not know what to do. You've done the right thing but it's not necessarily an abusive situation.

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