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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel angry and hurt over dh meeting with mil?

19 replies

doublechocchip · 13/09/2013 18:31

We hadn't spoken to mil in 4 years, this being ultimately dh's choice. Around easter she emailed him asking if they could talk, queue several emails back and forth with dh asking why she had behaved like she did. Dh showed me them all and asked for my opinion. I always tried to be as supportive as Possible, he agonised for weeks whether or not to meet her, I said that whatever he decided I'd be there for him. Eventually this trailed off as he decided he didn't miss her in his life and was worried about the possible negative effects getting back in contact with her would mean.

Last night dh's friend was over talking about his mother and he referenced to dh meeting up with his mum, dh went bright red. I asked him if he'd met up with her and he said he'd had but had decided not to tell me. I'm so angry over this, especially as he suddenly announced his friend was only joking which looking at his friend he blatantly wasn't, the fact he even tried to deny it after he'd admitted meeting up was just awful.
He said he'd only met with her a couple of times and decided he didn't want to see her again so had thought he wouldn't tell me any of it.

I Have asked several times over the last few months about his mother and he has lied every time, I feel so let down and hurt especially as I was totally and utterly supportive of whatever decision he would choose.

He tried apologising but I told him I didn't want to hear it, he's had months to tell me so he's not sorry at all just sorry he got found out. Aibu to feel so let down by him?

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/09/2013 18:34

YANBU

What a weird thing to lie about.

It's horrible being lied to and treated like a fool.

MammaTJ · 13/09/2013 18:35

YANBU but, if she is that bad that he really doesn't want anything more to do with her, then don't let her come between you.

Yes, read him the riot act about his lies. Demand an explanation as to why he thought it was necessary. Do not let it fester and spoil what sounds like a good supportive marriage, even just a little bit.

DoJo · 13/09/2013 18:36

YABU, first off unless you think it might be possible that you haven't come across as being as supportive as you thought? Has he offered a reason why he lied? Do you think if he had a reason, even if it was an odd and inexplicable reason, you would find it easier to deal with? It sounds as though there was no reason to lie, but he obviously had some thought process behind it, so I think it would be a step in the right direction if he at least tried to explain his.

DoJo · 13/09/2013 18:36

DOH! YANBU - sorry!

EllesAngel · 13/09/2013 18:37

This would piss me off too. It's not the meeting with his mum but the lies and deception.

EllesAngel · 13/09/2013 18:38

Oh and YANBU

Ireallymustbemad · 13/09/2013 18:38

YANBU at all, being a couple is about sharing things. It's a big thing not to have shared.

Ireallymustbemad · 13/09/2013 18:39

Agree with Ellie it's not about what happened but that he kept it from you.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/09/2013 18:41

It wouldn't be his mum "coming between you", it would be him and his dishonesty.

It's really quite duplicitous to have been asking for your opinion on something while he was sneaking around behind your back doing something else.

I'd be wondering what other lies he had told me.

Topseyt · 13/09/2013 18:42

Not at all unreasonable, based on what you have said. I don't really understand why he felt the need to lie about it.

Pull him up on that. If he wants to see his mum then that is up to him. You don't have to be involved. If he doesn't want to see her then that is also his choice.

phantomnamechanger · 13/09/2013 18:42

He should have told you. He should not have tried to lie when found out.

What was the original rift about - is it something to do with her not liking/approving of YOU and he was trying to save your feelings?

Why did she decide to try to make her peace - is she ill or something?

Hissy · 13/09/2013 18:46

I agree, and to repeatedly lie.

That's awful.

Unless he's prepared to disclose it all to you now, he's going to have to understand that this is pretty much as much betrayal and déception as an affair! It's going to damage your trust in him.

He needs to cop himself on fast.

LouiseAderyn · 13/09/2013 18:46

Lying is a really big deal. Without trust, you have nothing. You need to get across to him that in lying to you about this, it has made you question what else he could lie to you about.

Trust takes years to build and seconds to shatter and when someone close to you, lies, it makes you question how well you know them at all and raises issues about their whole value system and whether it is compatible with yours.

Somehow you have to get this through to him. Everyone draws their own lines in the sand, for their relationships, which the other person crosses at their peril - lying is ones of those lines for me!

ArgyMargy · 13/09/2013 18:50

Cut him a bit of slack - sounds like he's confused and doesn't want to talk to you about it, so it's easier to not tell you he's meeting her.

Original poster

doublechocchip · 13/09/2013 18:55

Glad I wasn't going mad, have been in work all day so it's been going round and round in my head whether I was being unreasonable.

It's a long story as to why he stopped speaking to her, a mixture of a chain of events in which she behaved terribbly towards us all and stubbornness that neither of them would back down to get in contact with each other. Dh has a brother who hates that they don't talk and begged with dh that if his mother emailed would dh reply.

Honestly reading the op I would wonder if that person hadn't actually been all that supportive but hand on heart I absolutely was. I have a great relationship with my mother so always felt awful for dh that he didn't have that and also that I would never try to understand how it feels from his point of view. I tried to remain overall neutral but leaned a little towards encouraging him to meet with her as I thought it would help answer some questions that had been plaguing him for years.

It is the lies that hurt the most not meeting his mother I just can't forgive him yet for a) not telling me and b) lying about it several times when I asked him about it all.

OP posts:

TalkativeJim · 13/09/2013 20:20

You need to talk to him very seriously and tell him that you don't give a flying fuck about him meeting his mother - but you DO care about him lying to you over something big and important... especially if he's going to be happy to talk to other people about it.

Lies kill relationships.

Trust is everything.

He's done a very stupid thing.

Seaweedy · 13/09/2013 21:20

YANBU, of course, but could he have been embarrassed that clearly he still felt some desire to regain contact with someone who had behaved so badly to him? I know that I am less forgiving of those who mistreat people I love than the victims themselves. I suppose I could imagine a scenario where your DH might have secretly felt you would blame him for caving in and seeing her, or been less forgiving of her than he was? And when it went badly anyway, decided not to tell you because he felt so ambivalent about the whole thing...?

elcranko · 13/09/2013 23:06

YANBU. He should have told you and by the sound of things he had plenty of opportunities to tell you when you discussed it but he chose to lie instead. I'd be pissed off that he made you look a tit in front of his friend too.

He's got a lot of apologising and explaining to do. I hope you can sort things out as it sounds as if you have a good marriage otherwise.

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2013 01:45

We didn't have contact with my mum for quite a few years, and although I agree that lying by omission is a bit shit, I can kind of understand why he might have done it.

Because it caused so much trouble/stress at the time, 'making up' would be such a big thing for you both, talking about it/saying what might happen beforehand and dissecting it after meeting up/going over old ground etc etc.

Is it possible he wanted to test the waters before kicking it all up again? You've been supportive and he knew if he said he was thinking about meeting up it'd create a situation where it'd be harder for him to back out of the relationship with his mum once they'd met?

The way he's done it, privately, he's taken it on himself and then decided for himself that it's not what he wants, without dragging you into it again and upsetting you (presuming if he's upset it upsets you).

Don't be too hard on him, him saying he decided that's what he was going to do suggests he gave it some thought. I know you must be wondering if he's kept this from me, what else? But that's not necessarily the case.

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