My DM wants to come for Xmas

[elmerelephant]

Sorry this is very complicated, my DH and I have been through v bad times recently, but we are at the mo working through the issues. This is what I want.
My DM has never liked my DH so when he left last year she was "enthusiastic" about me starting a life on my own, and very unhappy when he came back.
last year I asked her not to come for Xmas as I wanted time together with my DH, she came for a weekend beforehand.
Fast forward to this year, I went to see her with my DD and she started having a go at me about my DH and how I need to leave him, and she finally made some unforgivable comments about him that were totally untrue. I left and have been v noncommital in my calls to her since, but now she wants to come for Xmas. I feel that its disrepectful to my DH to expect him to put up with her when she is happy to badmouth and lie about him. And although my feelings towards my DH are not always positive, I am trying to sort things out and her negative attitude is not helpful.
Do I give in for an easy life, or stand by my DH? help please

It's September - I can't even THINK about Christmas and people's dilemmas yet. Sorry.

I think if you want to save your marriage you're going to have to stand by your DH. I wouldn't be too happy if I was married/in a relationship where there were problems and I was expected to put up with someone who was bad mouthing me. Your DM is not a friend of your marriage. Tell her she can't come for christmas and tell her exactly why. The ball is in her court then as to how she proceeds with her attitude towards your DH and your marriage.

Stand by your DH. Hope he appreciates it though. He might even come round to the idea. Tell her you're not sure whether you are staying at home for Christmas dinner etc this year just yet so will have to let her know a bit closer to the time.

I wouldn't tell her bluntly why she can't come just yet. Brush her off as much as possible and focus on your marriage for now.

Do not give in to her. If you need to be alone for whatever reason you should not be blackmailed or nagged into having anyone else over at all, especially someone who has been so nasty.

Good luck with your relationship.

Could you go and visit her after christmas.

I could not comment without knowing the reasons you split. Was he abusive at all?

No my DH is not abusive, he has emotional affairs, and last year he left to "sort himself out". I found the text affairs very hurtful and difficult to cope with, but as we have been married a long time, I felt I needed to try and give our marriage another chance, we still have children at home, and this has been difficult for them too.
My DM was supportive last year whilst he was away, but doesnt seem to be able to cope with me not doing what she wants and leaving him.

It's your marriage and you must do what you feel is best. However, as a mum, I would find it very hard to watch one of my children being very badly treated by someone, and then be expected to be as nice as pie to them.

I would tell her that you'll have a special day with her one side of Christmas, not the day itself.

given your history, I think you are being very brave to try to move on and stay together - too many give up at the first hurdle. I speak as someone who has been through a similar betrayal of trust (though in our case, no one knows) and it is not easy , however much you WANT things to go back to how they were.

So your mum knows about the EAs? Of course she should be angry and hurt for you - to see your baby hurt is awful at whatever age they are - BUT, the difference is, you need to be there for them and support but NOT judge them. Not undermine their decisions - they are adults and entitled to make their own mistakes, decisions, have views that differ from Mum's. And she should certainly hold her tongue and not bitch about the OH.

You sound a lot more grown up than your mum, TBH, OP!

Her mum isn't judging the OP, she's judging the man who has hurt her really badly.

I wouldn't want to come round if I were your mum, OP; I would find it almost impossible to be friendly to someone who had hurt my child.