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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decide not to vist parents for xmas

22 replies

PaulSmenis · 13/09/2013 09:07

Sorry for this being Xmas related. Blush

My folks moved abroad a few years ago and we have not seen them over Christmas yet, but we do vist for two weeks during the summer.

I have promised to see them this Xmas and the flights only come to £800, but we need a new car, we've just had to shell out 3k for urgent work on the house which we are rennovating, we need to do more work on it and I'm currently learning to drive. The £800 would be in addition to the money we'd usually spend on xmas pressies and dc have January birthdays. We also need a new bed, new lawnmower and everything sems to be fucking up at once.

As the car is looking dodgy, so we would have to fly rather than get the ferry which would be cheaper. DP doesn't have the capacity to do overtime, but I do. Unfortunately, I had sugery 2 weeks ago and I'm just returning to work on Monday. I still feel like shit and I'm wondering wtf is wrong with me, because I sure as hell don't feel as though I can cope with serious amounts of overtime right now.

AIBU to cancel the Xmas visit, or am I selfish to put our needs before visiting my parents over Xmas?

Sticking it on the credit card is not an option. I ran into troubles with debt years ago and worked bloody hard to sort it out. I vowed then to only borrow money in a life or death situation!

OP posts:
StanleyLambchop · 13/09/2013 09:09

I would not go, for all the reasons you describe. Can they come to you instead?

Original poster
PaulSmenis · 13/09/2013 09:11

Unfortunately not. DF is a grumpy old bugger and he would prefer to spend it in his own home. I will see them in October though as DB is getting married.

OP posts:
Pollywallywinkles · 13/09/2013 09:12

If you can't afford it, let them know ASAP. They may be happy to come to you, or to pay for you to go to see them. Please do not get into debt.

BikeRunSki · 13/09/2013 09:13

Don' t go. Use Skype and stay at home amongst your own stuff, own beds, own routine etc. That kind of financial stress would worry me to bits. I am not in the position to.put " only" in front of £800. I have family a road. Have only been for Christmas once in just over 20 years, flights in the last week of Jan are cheap as chips, although now DS has started school, this is no.longer an.option. It sounds like there is an awful lot more you could do with your money.

Original poster
PaulSmenis · 13/09/2013 09:17

There's no way I'm getting into debt over Xmas! I just worry about letting my parents down and I would love to spend the festive period with them.

It's the just the unexpected work on the house and needing the new car. Going by ferry would be roughly half the price.

My parents would definitely not pay for us or come here.

OP posts:
SleepPleaseSleep · 13/09/2013 09:21

I live abroad. I am aware that it is difficult for people to visit - there is a psychological barrier there as well as a real one. We only live in Belgium, which we found easier to visit than most of the uk since we don't have a car Smile. They must be further with £800 flights. I guess they are a lot better off than you are - older generation usually is nowadays. Call them and say you're sorry, you know you promised, but you really can't afford it - and invite them round to yours instead maybe?

ENormaSnob · 13/09/2013 09:21

I wouldnt go.

Pollywallywinkles · 13/09/2013 09:24

It doesn't look like this year is going to be an option for you, so let them know now. Skype them at Christmas and start planning and saving for next year.

Original poster
PaulSmenis · 13/09/2013 09:28

SleepPleseSleep, the flights some to this much because DC are now classed as adults by airlines, although they certainly aren't. Hmm

My parents also visit us during off peak times, so they get cheap flight and the ferry is cheaper. You're also right about the psychological barrier. Grin

They aren't really well off, but they have their public sector pensions from their time served back in the good old days and no kids at home. They would never come over here for Xmas. Their house is lovely. Given the choice between spending a week at their home or mine, I can't blame them!

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 13/09/2013 09:34

I would tell them ASAP, and certainly before the wedding. Can you bring the presents with you then so they can be put away and show you are thinking of them, and will miss them? Arrange a Skype call during the day. Send an extra surprise Christmas week (something small but either relating to what they loved here or something from the DCs maybe).

Original poster
PaulSmenis · 13/09/2013 09:42

Thanks all. I'm going to have to tell them ASAP, but I'm really upset about it.

I've been really weepy over the whole thing over the last few days. DP says it is because of the operation and having GA, but I think I'm just generally upset about having to miss out on the Xmas visit as it means a lot to me.

OP posts:
Pollywallywinkles · 13/09/2013 09:46

Don't underestimate the effects of the operation and the GA.

CoffeeTea103 · 13/09/2013 09:51

Off course you shouldn't go. You are under so much pressure as well as recovering from an operation. You can let them know early and this will be enough time.

Original poster
PaulSmenis · 13/09/2013 09:52

That's what DP said Polly, and he also added that I am probably on a massive comedown from all the painkillers.

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 13/09/2013 10:03

I would explain the situation. The things you mention are essentials, not luxuries. If you are lucky they will offer to pay for tickets, if not just try and go next year.

Pollywallywinkles · 13/09/2013 10:13

You will feel more comfortable about things when you have told them that you can't afford to go and you will also feel better when you have fully recovered from your op and the pain relief is out of your system.

Original poster
PaulSmenis · 13/09/2013 10:15

Good point SeaSickSal. The money spent on flights would be better put towards the new car.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 13/09/2013 13:28

It was their choice to move abroad so I don't see why they should expect you to go to so much expense to visit them when you can't really afford it.

Of course you are not being selfish. If they object then they are the selfish ones.

specialsubject · 13/09/2013 13:31

cancel and go another time.

what is so special about Dec 25th for adults?

Original poster
PaulSmenis · 13/09/2013 16:24

Yeah, bloody parents buggering off abroad!

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/09/2013 16:39

Don't give it another thought and concentrate on feeling better. I'd be cross with you for going in the circumstances you describe not for cancelling. Just let them know you can't afford it when you're up to it. Thanks

fridgealwaysfull · 13/09/2013 16:42

Doesn't look like you can afford to go. Any chance they could pay for your flights?

My parents live abroad too and we visit when we can but it's so expensive. It always annoys me that they've never once offered to help out with flights, especially the kids flights, and yet they're always asking when we're going out next

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