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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to this request? WWYD? (long sorry)

21 replies

Insanityismymiddlename · 12/09/2013 18:07

Ok I'll say in advance there is a lot of background information but as I am trying to keep this short I will just say there is a lot of history with my mum mostly bad.

Anyway my mum last visited 3mths ago, she lives 5 mins away and prior to the last visit she was here on a weekly basis, on my mums last visit she told me I was a nasty, horrible person and she doesn't like me but keeps contact for my DCs sake, ok was a bit of a terse visit but eventually ended ok and we made arrangements for the following week but she never showed.

In the meantime I had DC4 I text her a birth announcement, saw her by chance in town we spoke no problem just quickly but left it at a see you later as I was in early labour and wasn't very socialable.

Fast forward 2 more weeks and Dsis has passed on the message that my mum would like to see the kids, fine no problem she can come see them whenever she wants... but it turns out ahe wants my partner to deliver my DCs to her and pick them up as she doesn't want to see me, this is only DC1,2,3 all under 6yrs old

I'm not sure what to say as I know DCs would love to see her and would have fun but she hasnt even acknowledged DC4 and I feel its unfair as as she gets older she may be left out, also I feel that if she wants to see them she can come here and at least keep civil with me for their sakes not being so childish that they can only see her without me, as well my mum can be nasty to me in front of my DCs so I worry about what she will say to them.

As a side note my mum does have MH issues so can be lovely to me for months then turn completely overnight, not just me but people in general and I worry what will happen if she eventually decides she doesn't like DCs.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:

Lottiedoubtie · 12/09/2013 18:09

Yanbu.

You need to protect all 4 of your children.

DM will have to come to you, and on your terms if she wants to continue a relationship with your children.

BrokenSunglasses · 12/09/2013 18:11

YANBU.

They are your children, and if you're not comfortable with it, the it doesn't need to happen. The dc might enjoy it, but then they would probably enjoy lots of things they aren't going to get the opportunity to do. While its a shame that they won't have their Gran, I don't think it will do them any favours to have a Gran that doesn't want to talk to their Mum. That will just confuse them, and it could lead to upset for them.

swallowedAfly · 12/09/2013 18:13

yanbu. send her a text saying the dc's would love to see you, if you want to see them let me know when you're coming over.

you're their guardian and you don't have to give that up to accommodate her.

incidentally how do you feel about the things she said to you? your post seems devoid of emotion.

AndHarry · 12/09/2013 18:13

I would agree to meet her for an hour at the park. She could take it or leave it as clearly her idea of a relationship with her GC is all about her wants, not their needs or yours.

And that would be being generous in my opinion. Someone who says such nasty things to their daughter and blows hot and cold is not someone I would want my DC forming a relationship of trust with.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 12/09/2013 18:14

Yanbu. If she wants to see dc she should be on speaking terms with you. Based on the info you give if you really have no idea i wouldnt just be dropping them off xx

YouTheCat · 12/09/2013 18:14

She comes to you. I think that's fair.

Waferthinmint · 12/09/2013 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2013 18:17

No one with this much contempt for me would be spending ANY time with my DC. It feels very unsafe.

Topseyt · 12/09/2013 18:18

You are not entirely comfortable with the situation, so don't let it happen.

Personally, I doubt that I would want her to have unsupervised access to any of the children. She might turn on them. She might say horrible things about you to them, and that would upset/confuse them.

She either sees all of the children with you and/or your partner present, or she doesn't see them at all. That sounds about the only way forward to me, though I admit that it isn't ideal.

Original poster

Insanityismymiddlename · 12/09/2013 18:27

SwallowedAFly to be honest I am used to her blowing hot and cold with me, I didn't have a relationship with my mum for 10yrs until I fell pregnant with DC1 and she wanted a relationship with her GCs so I tried to build one with her and have always kept the door open for their sake.

I would consider her coming to mine instead and I go out but leave DP here with them but no she wants them at hers without either of us (unless DCS dad will go as she loves him but he said no as he can't stand the way she talks about me and the way she stood by him when we split due to DV).

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 12/09/2013 18:34

I agree with all posters - yanbu (I admit to a slight preference for the solution proposed by 'waferthinmint', however). Life's too short to put up with dictators even if related. Your DCs are your priority. That's about it..

MammaTJ · 12/09/2013 18:41

YANBU!

You cannot let her be alone with your DC, she blows hot and cold and may change her mind about liking one or all of them!

Original poster

Insanityismymiddlename · 12/09/2013 19:27

So glad IANBU but I am sad it has come to this as I have really tried to keep the door open for her, problem is this isn't the first time she has stopped talking to me and last time it lasted 6mths then she just rocked up telling me to get over it and let her see the DCs which I did and just carried on as normal.

However my DCs are older now and are noticing that she doesn't visit anymore and they ask to see her so then I feel bad for them.

OP posts:

bumperella · 12/09/2013 19:36

It's lovely of you to want your DC's to know their grandmother, despite yr problems with her.
However, there is NO WAY on THIS PLANET I would have my kids left alone with her for an afternoon or whatever when you're not really on speaking terms. The most I would do would be to ask yr partner to arrange a meet-up with her in the park, but for him to be with them throughout.

LookingThroughTheFog · 12/09/2013 19:48

Hi, Insanity. I've had to talk through a couple of family issues with my DC recently (DS is 8, and DD is 5). They know that we don't visit my gran, because she was mean to me in a very hurtful way, and it's better for all of us if I'm not getting hurt by her. It's all OK, because I have Daddy and them and lots of family in my life who make me happy, and she has other people who make her happy too, but we don't get on.

With my father, they're more confused, but they know that we don't see him. They know we'll always be polite, but again, they know it's important for me not to be around him at the moment. That's all on this one, but to be frank, I'm confused about my relationship with him, and until I understand it, I can't explain it to them.

Finally my step-dad. They know that though he's a grown up, he's not a sensible grown up like other people. Because of that, he might accidentally get too excited and tell them things that aren't quite true. And while it's all fine and we love him (I don't), we need to make sure that Mum or Dad are around at the same time, just to check he's not telling them something that's confusing or wrong.

The reality is that I don't believe that Step-dad is an appropriate person to be around them, and though he isn't unsafe, he is stupidly immature and will try to get them into trouble. They don't need to know that - they just need to know that I'll be protecting them and will help them out if he says something strange or peculiar to them.

It's hard, trying to explain complex relationships to very young children, but I think if you start from the angle where you need to make sure they're all happy and safe and not getting confused, and sometimes, Granny is a confusing person. We all hope that we can get on together some day, but at the moment, we need to give her the time and space she needs to feel happier and more comfortable with Mum.

Good luck. It sounds like a really hard situation for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2013 19:56

No, I would not leave my children alone with this woman. (I hesitate to call her your mother as she frankly does not behave like one.) The priority is not her and her wants, the priority is the safety and happiness of your children. To be blunt - she fucked with your head, what's to stop her fucking with theirs?

"she just rocked up telling me to get over it and let her see the DCs"
She is in no position to make demands. Do not feel that you have to agree to anything she wants.

Incidentally, how is your relationship with your sister? Do you feel you can trust her?

BoundandRebound · 12/09/2013 20:02

No bloody way

If she can be pleasant and polite to you then she may visit the kids

But you can live fine without her

I haven't spoken to my mother since July for similar nasty comment reasons

Original poster

Insanityismymiddlename · 12/09/2013 21:23

Lookingthroughthefog thank you so much for your reply, some great advice there and I will definitely try and explain to them in the nicest gentlest way why they don't see her anymore if they ask.

Just been knocked for 6 though after speaking to my sister and turns out I have been kept in the dark about a lot of things and I have been told that my mum has been given a life expectancy of 5yrs due to health problems (emphysema, COPD and recurrent blood clots that at one stage caused a pulmonary embolism) now I feel even worse about my decision, more conflicted as I don't want her to die not knowing her GCs and seeing them grow up but at the same time I don't know what to do if she won't at least be civil to me.

sorry my heads now a mess.

OP posts:

AndHarry · 12/09/2013 21:39

It's not your responsibility to make your life rosy for your mother. It's your responsibility to keep your children safe, and that includes not encouraging them to trust and rely on people who are likely to let them down and tell them horrible things about their mum.

Your mother sounds extremely unpleasant. No doubt this diagnosis will be held over your head and used to emotionally blackmail you whenever your mother decides she needs something. Make a stand now.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2013 21:46

" I don't want her to die not knowing her GCs"
She doesn't have to - she could come round to your and be civil to you. But she doesn't want to do that. Do NOT allow yourself to be guilted into giving in. Focus on what is best for your children, not on her.

SeaSickSal · 12/09/2013 22:15

If I was you I would write a letter to clear the air. You might be cross with her but bearing in mind she has mental health issues try and be conciliatory and couch it in positive terms. Don't say 'You're not seeing the kids without me'.

Tell the truth, say you would love for her to meet DC4 and that you would all like to see her as a family. Perhaps tell her you have missed her (if you have) and how much you would like to see her. You sound like you do want to have a relationship towards her.

Couch it all in positive terms and make it more about rebuilding your relationship. You sound like you are kind, understanding and sympathetic to her and have affection for her so for the sake of your kids try and do it even though you know she's in the wrong. It sounds like you are the one being the bigger person so smooth everything over.

Regarding her being nasty to you and the kids. I think the best way to do that is when it happens suddenly remember there is something to do and up and leave before it escalates. Don't be drawn in.

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