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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I AM being unreasonable - please snap me out of it!

30 replies

MotherofBear · 12/09/2013 12:32

I have the most amazing partner in so many ways. And I'm grateful for all that he does for me. He's just great.

BUT, there are a couple of things that I get miffed about. I don't let him know I'm miffed, because I don't think that would be fair. But the two things that get my goat are his hobby and a drink after work on 'date' night.

He is an avid cyclist. He's obsessed. Every Saturday morning, most Sundays and every Wednesday evening, as well as cycling to and from work whenever he can. Which is fine, mostly. If I ask him to do something else instead, he will cancel his ride. I almost never ask him to though. However, last weekend, there was a family wedding on Friday and a family BBQ on Sat. On both nights, instead of staying at mine, like we'd agreed, he dropped me home (we don't live together) and went back to his house, so he could get up and go cycling the next day. I wasn't so bothered about this on Saturday night, but I was on Friday night, as the plan had been to do stuff together on Saturday morning. So I was a bit put out, although I didn't say anything to him.

His Saturday morning rides also mean that we don't do much on a Friday evening, as he has to be up early and in a different town by 6.30am. I don't mind most of the time, as I have a young DS and I'm not a party animal by any means. It's just that the last couple of times we did go out on a Friday (sans children), we left the party/night out at 10, because he had to be up early, even though he could have gone on his ride on Sunday instead of Saturday.

It also bothers me that he has a drink in the bar after work on a Thursday, which is our date night (to be fair, it is the only night the bar at work is open). I will admit that's me being petty, as he'll only have one and he's usually at mine by 6. I guess it just makes me feel like a drink is more important than I am. Which is ridiculous, I know! I think it's probably just jealousy on my part.

I don't moan at him about any of this by the way. I haven't said a word, because I know I'm the one with the issue. And I'm bloody lucky! So, I guess this is more of a rant and a request to talk some sense into me please!

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
CocacolaMum · 12/09/2013 12:37

You are telling the wrong people tbh, sit him down and speak to him. YABU for stewing on it instead of clearing it up right away. Its not really a big deal but it could be if you let it

OR find something else to do when he is cycling.

IceBeing · 12/09/2013 12:48

and for Jeff's sake move date night away from Thursday if it is a clash...

squoosh · 12/09/2013 12:51

Ugh, I couldn't be with someone who had such a slavish devotion to their hobby.

Whoknowswhocares · 12/09/2013 12:53

The fastest way to make this a big deal is to keep doing what you are now......ie nothing except silently festering resentment.
WHY haven't you said something? It doesn't have to be a big confrontation, just a conversation!

SlobAtHome · 12/09/2013 12:57

YABU. These are petty petty petty things. If a guy with a serious hobby bothers you then best not to be with one.

Honestly you sound like hard work (that sounds harsh but was said gently and in the nicest way possible)

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/09/2013 12:58

YABU esp as you don't even live together.

I agree, you do sound like hard work and really need to loosen up a bit.

Original poster
MotherofBear · 12/09/2013 13:01

Coca, that's exactly why I'm posting on here, so I can stop stewing on it. I know I'm making a fuss about nothing, which is why I haven't said anything to him. I honestly don't mind him doing his cycling, it just bothers me when our rare (3 this year) nights out are cut short because he has to get up early. I think next time we have a night out planned, I will ask him to not go out on the Saturday.

Ice, funnily enough, date night used to be Wednesday, until the cycling club started up again! Thursday is really the only night we can have it, due to his childcare arrangements. He also lives in a different town to me. I just need to stop being bothered by one single drink which delays him getting to mine for no more than half an hour.

Squoosh, I know exactly what you mean! I just keep reminding myself that at least it isn't football, and that if I really need him to do something else when he's due to be cycling, then he will. He's not into any other sport either, which is a huge relief. I can't stand sport! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MotherofBear · 12/09/2013 13:03

Can I just repeat that I haven't said anything to him about any of this, because I know I'm being unreasonable!

And it's not the actual cycling that bothers me.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 12/09/2013 13:05

FGS - just speak to the man.
If you know you are being unreasonable, then why post?
Snap out of it women - you are a whinging cah (does that help? are you feeling more reasonable now) Grin

Hassled · 12/09/2013 13:05

You're being unreasonable re the drink thing, but that's only because he's being unreasonable prioritising the cycling to the extent that it impacts your social life and your rare opportunities for time together.

If he didn't take the cycling so seriously, to the extent that your nights out end at 10 and he doesn't stay over, then you wouldn't give a damn about that half hour drink.

Original poster
MotherofBear · 12/09/2013 13:07

I'm not sure how I'm being hard work - could you explain how please?

I don't complain about him cycling, I don't ask him to cancel it for anything, I don't make any demands on him at all. I just felt disappointed about last weekend, and about the fact that the couple of time we have been out, the night was cut short and he dropped me home before heading to his house.

I'm a single parent, so childfree nights are few and far between - it would be nice to make the most of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MotherofBear · 12/09/2013 13:08

Thanks DamnBamboo!! Smile

Hassled, I hadn't thought of that, you could be right, thank you.

OP posts:
bearhug · 12/09/2013 13:13

Grin do not get between a man and his hobby! DP will, with good grace, give up bike rides for family events and outings, but asking him too often makes him grumpy. Much better all round to let him have his 'me' time on a regular (and i mean very regular) basis.

PresidentServalan · 12/09/2013 13:16

YABU - he is not doing anything wrong. Why should he give up or reduce his hobby? How would you feel if the positions were reversed?

Original poster
MotherofBear · 12/09/2013 13:23

Bearhug, this is exactly why I never ask him to give up his cycling morning/evening. Except just the once, for the family weekend last weekend. And I didn't actually specifically ask, we'd just agreed he'd stay at mine the whole weekend. He then dropped me off at mine both nights and went home. But it is very disappointing when we only get a chance to have a childfree night once in blue moon, and he still drops me home early to go cycling the next day.

President, I am NOT asking him to give up or reduce his cycling at all! I'm expressing disappointment that our very rare nights out end early because of his cycling and that last weekend he didn't do as we had planned because he decided he wanted to go cycling instead. BOTH days.

I have never, ever specifically asked him to do something on an evening, morning or afternoon he has cycling planned, because I know how important it is to him.

OP posts:
DoJo · 12/09/2013 14:09

bearhug - do you have children together? Because if your partner won't give up his 'me' time to spend time with his children without getting grumpy then that is very sad. If not, then it's up to you what you will accept and if you're happy then that's fine.
OP - do you see your partner as a long term prospect? Will you be disappointed if he continues to prioritise his cycling over time with you, and potentially with your daughter as well? Because if so, then perhaps it's time to think about whether he is the right person to bring into your daughter's life. That's not to say he's unreasonable for pursuing his hobby, but he is in a position with few responsibilities and you aren't so if you can't work around the things you have to do and the things he wants to do, then perhaps the arrangements need to be reconsidered.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 12/09/2013 14:21

You seem very proud of not saying anything about any of it...but thats not a good thing. Communicate, talk about the things you aren't happy with. Putting up silently and fuming behind is back is just daft.

And yabu about the drink at work thing. One drink, once a week, and he's at yours by 6? Leave him alone.

Floggingmolly · 12/09/2013 14:26

He goes for a drink after work; but is home by 6...
Yabu

livinginwonderland · 12/09/2013 14:27

You NEED to communicate with him. If it's bugging you and you stay silent, the resentment will build and end in some huge row when he drops you home or whatever one night when you're in a bad mood.

Tell him how it feels. If you didn't say last weekend "remember, you're staying over and we're spending the weekend together" he may well have just forgotten or thought you weren't bothered about it. If I make plans with DP too far in advance, I find I need to remind him because he just doesn't remember. It's nothing against me, he just doesn't think sometimes and double-books himself!

I second the PP who said that the half-hour drink after work wouldn't be an issue if the cycling wasn't eating in to your "couple time".

IEatDates · 12/09/2013 14:27

YABU.

He has a hobby, which he moves when you ask. You have a date night which he always attends by 6pm (how early do you need date night to start?) and he only has one drink once a week at the bar.

In fact, what is it you want?

Im confused I think.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2013 14:31

I'm sorry - did I read that right?
3 proper nights out all year?
I'd be expecting good ones if it was only once every 3 months.
I'd certainly expect him to be cancelling the early morning bike ride the next morning so we could have a proper night out and nice morning together - leisurly breakfast etc....
I don't think you sound like hard work - I think it sounds like you wanna go out and let your hair down and enjoy some fun time with him. Which by the sounds of it - you don't get!
You need to sit him down and talk to him.
So you need to explain to me what he does that is soooo amazing????

BoozyBear · 12/09/2013 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2013 14:39

If you are planning on having DC with him, you will need to discuss how things will change then. Otherwise, he has a healthy life and sounds like a good balance so I would appreciate that. I, however, would be asking for what I need. Tell him you would like him to move the ride if you have something planned. Communicate.

Sinful1 · 12/09/2013 14:44

Go cycling with him?

Original poster
MotherofBear · 12/09/2013 14:45

Ok, thank you all. I see now that I do need to talk to him about it. I don't want him to feel that his cycling is a problem, which is why I've said nothing. But you're right, I do need to tell him that it becomes a problem on the odd occasion.

I've admitted I'm being unreasonable about the drink thing. I have and do leave him alone - it is me being jealous and I'm aware of that, so I breezily say 'ok' when he says he's having a drink and I just get on with it.

I would like date night to start at 5.30, to be perfectly honest. That's when I usually have dinner sorted for my DS. But it's only once a week, so I do dinner for my DS for 5.30, and dinner for DP & me an hour later.

IEat, what I want is to not be dropped home by 10.15 on the very rare occasion I have childcare and am free all night.

hells - yes, you did read that right - 3 proper nights out, sans children, all year. He is amazing in so many other ways. One example is he took a day off work and cleared my jungle garden for me whilst I was at work, even though he loathes gardening (with my permission, he didn't sneak in or anything!). He also nipped into my house and tidied a few bits for me as I didn't have time due to helping with a family wedding, and guests were arriving. He is really good to me, which is why I was feeling bad about being unhappy with early nights out.

OP posts:
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