AIBU to not want to make too much effort with MIL

[hayleyl86]

There is a long background to this really, but I'll try and give you the shortened version. My MIL complains that she never sees us, or her grandaughter, yet she doesn't seem to make much effort to see us. We actually see much less of her since my DD was born a year ago.

She lives just over an hour away, so we try to make plans to see her for a weekend at a time rather than an hr or so midweek. Every time we have been to stay with her lately, she has made plans with her friends. So rather than going out for the day with us on the Saturday, she will go shopping with her friend. She'll pick up her SIL on a Sunday morning to go to a boot fair etc, leaving us waiting indoors for her to come back.
We see even less of her when she comes to us. We only have a 1 bed place, so since baby was born she stays at her friends house (MIL idea), who is about 5 mins from us. Although we will leave the whole weekend free to spend time with her, she will spend all day saturday shopping with her friend, then get to ours about 7pm. most of the time she won't see us on the sunday - she will just go shopping again with her friend.

She was busy all summer long (gets holidays off as she is a TA), so I made plans to meet up with her while DH was at work. We met halfway to go out for lunch, and do some shopping (obviously) - after only 2.5hrs she basically ushered us back to the car!!

So the question is - am I being unreasonable to not want to put myself out to keep spending time with her? Obviously I'd never stop her seeing her grandchild, but she just doesn't seem that bothered! We make suggestions to do different things quite often, like go swimming, to the park, zoo etc. But all she ever wants to do is go shopping, and to the same shops etc. Although she complains that she doesn't get to see my DD, she doesn't seem to want to spend more than an hour or so with her when she does. if that makes sense.
Again, not saying I want to cut contact altogether etc. But AIBU in not wanting to spend the entire weekend at her house, just to see her for about 6 hours?

(Sorry if that's all garbled - hope it makes sense!)

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. We've moved further away now, but used to love about an hour from PIL. We used to do almost all the travel to see them - on the odd occasion they'd come to us, they'd either cancel last minute for no good reason, or leave as soon as they'd finished their coffee. Every time, MIL would complain she didn't see enough of DD.
I used to be the one who'd remind DP to arrange a visit with his parents, and nag him about it because I didn't want to be unfair to them. Now I leave it entirely up to them, let the passive aggressive comments roll off me (because they are always aimed at me, not DP), and refuse to feel bad or guilty if we go for a bit of a stretch between visits.

YANBU.

My own in-laws are a bit like that.

Really they didn't start to get interested in the grandkids until they were about 3 years old and a bit more able to chat and play and 'entertain' the PILs.

You've done all you can do - travelling to see them, offering suggestions of where to visit - but you can't make them want to.

One thing that we've noticed (for the worse) is that once the child is 3-4 years and starts pre-school then the only days free for travelling are the weekend. Unless they come to your house during the week, you could well use up a few weekends a month hoofing it to theirs.

"I never get to see DGD!"

"That's because you only stay an hour and never want to do anything."

Do you think she wants to be 'special'? As in, wants you to gush about how lovely it is that she's visiting?
I only ask because my MIL is quite up-front about wanting to be courted. She'll turn up for a cup of tea after school, sit down, look around, and say "Have you made me a special cake?", that sort of thing. If we go over at the weekend, she always has a special plan and talks about how lovely it'll be. Basically you can never just go round there and have a chat and a cup of tea.
I actually did give up on taking part in all the specialness feeding her fantasies of loveliness because I think it's superficial, and she now won't really come to us and we can only go sometimes, when there really is something special on.

Anyway I just wondered if that could be it. Maybe your MIL wants to be courted a bit and otherwise is going to do what she wants to. If you invited her round for a 'special' lunch, would she stay longer?

I think your a bit daft booking a whole weekend with her. She only lives one hour away!!!! One hours drive each way is enough to pop along just for the afternoon. Not a weekend.

Why not say we will pop by at 11, do xyz and leave at 3. Why are you expecting to take over her whole weekend? Its silly to expect her to give up all her normal social activities when you could just have more reasonable visiting hours.

I live 5 hours from my relatives and so need to stay for long weekends. We will do trips together but around that we do other things independently - excersise, shop for food, catch up with old friends,

If she is only an hour away I wouldn't stay for the weekend. Just ask her which day she is free and go lunchtime them drive home with your DD in her pjs.

I agree that an hrs drive is doable in a day.

Let her come to her friends-and make arrangements/do stuff yourselves with a view to just seeing her on the Sat eve for a couple of hrs?

She's an hour away - why do you need the whole weekend.
Arrive for 10:30 - 11, go for lunch, to the park etc...
Leave around 3 or so.
Sorted.

Be grateful!!
My pils can make a weekend last until 8 o'clock Sunday night and expect a full all inclusive service.
When we go there for the weekend we are normally expected to drive the length and breadth of Essex (after a 3hr journey) to see family who never make the effort to see us.
We don't do it anymore tbh.

If it were me I wouldn't bother. Admittedly, I am hard faced about these things.
I'd meet up for birthdays, special occasions but other than that, wouldn't bother.
Mine live 20 minutes away but unless dh took our son, their only gc, they would never have bothered with us.

Leave it up to her, no need to be awkward, just step back.

Gosh our nearest town centre is an hour away. If the kids need shoes I wouldn't be staying there overnight :)

You can get there and back in a day.

I'd definitely make less effort.

I don't understand why you park yourself on her for a whole weekend as she's only an hour away?

sorry but yes I wouldn't be happy with that. my older kids are grown up and no kids yet but I too work all week and really wouldn't want grandchildren underfoot all weekend sat and sun. done that.

just ring her to arrange a pm visit and go home.

or invite her for Sunday lunch. if she doesn't want to then its up to her.

Some gps only want to enjoy their gc as an abstract. Photographs on the mantelpiece and bragging rights are involved enough.

I say, "you don't have to miss him, you could see him". I also make specific requests. I always counter the"don't see them moan" with a suggestion. Ask your mil to come over AZ nd babysit so you can go out for lunch.

Don't give your weekend/ free time up. Make a plan.

Tbh I'm not keen on long visits even from my own adult dc (misery) I love to see them but not for whole weekends iyswim?
Maybe it's just that.

I would wait to be asked now and if mil moans then ask for a specific dates to meet and see what she says... I suspect she will be 'busy' at which point you can point that out to her.

My inlaws would do this to us be all hard done to, they decided to live overseas half the year and the rest is a two hour drive from us. (they sold family home with view to buying overseas with a base in uk and we asked if their base would be near to us which we thought be nice so as they get older we can help and they get to see ds, they didnt)
They said they wanted to see more of our ds so we said fine lets set up some dates....to which they replied they are fully booked seeing other family and friends and we asked why they didn't set any time aside to see DS...all huffing and bluffing.They just don't want to. We gave up after that. They haven't seen nor spoken to ds in 2.5 years. their loss.

My MIL is similar. She's not particularly interested in the DC - she asks them how school is, and are they eating enough (I really don't know why she asks this all the time), but that's about it. I used to get upset by it, but I don't care anymore. She's an hour away but we only see her about 5 or 6 times a year, because she makes no effort to come to us. We drive there in the morning, get there around 11am ish, have lunch (or take food with us) and leave at about 2pm. Job done.

Shame really - I had visions of me and her becoming close, her maybe visiting me during the day and coming for coffee and playing with the kids, coming to see their school etc. but none of that ever happened. Her choice!

Not entirely sure why we are going up for the weekend at all really, other than staying one or two nights over the weekend is what we used to do before DD was born (though thinking about it, it started off that way when DH and I were first together and he still lived with his mum, so obviously I was going up to spend as much time with him as possible).

I did suggest to DH that we just meet her the day, but when he phoned to make arrangements she suggested we come up for the weekend. She wants us to stay Friday night, and Saturday night, yet when I spoke to her earlier she tells me that she is going out to see a friend Friday night and won’t be back till about 9:30/10pm. Then she will be out from about 10am Saturday, till 3pm – and in her words we can “sort ourselves out and do our own thing” until she gets back!!

Yes, I would definitely say that she likes to enjoy dgc from a distance. If anything she seems to get more from moaning about not seeing them (our DD, and BIL 2DD’s), than she does actually seeing them!

I would definitely be happier to just go up and see her for a Saturday afternoon, same as we do my parents. I like having Sundays as just me, DH and DD, as we get little time together in the week. It’s just how to start doing that when MIL wants us to come and stay? (and not cause a big row).

It’s very strange – before DD was born she would ask when we were next coming up, or just announce that she was coming down to stay at ours for the weekend. Now she very rarely initiates conversations about visits, and the phonecalls are getting shorter and shorter. She is very often busy when we try to make plans, yet conveniently forgets this when she complains about not seeing us. This weekend is rather typical, in that we arranged to see her, then she tells us she already has other plans, but still wants us to come and see her. I just don’t understand why she didn’t just tell us she had plans. Or why for one Saturday in the month, she doesn’t go shopping with her friend. Or we all go out together or something?!

Thanks for all the replies. I think I shall gently try and suggest to DH that we just make arrangements to see his mum for the afternoon in future – I don’t think it will take much persuasion (I hope) – as after working long hours all week he doesn’t want to spend all his weekend doing stuff. At the very least we need to be specific when making plans, rather than saying we’ll see her on such and such weekend.
PTFO I think this could easily be a situation where she ends up not seeing her DGC for months/years at a time. She already doesn’t see much of her other GDD, but of course that’s SIL fault, not hers!

Woman just baffles me!

GrrArgh – In a way she wants to be special, I think. Or perhaps the better way to explain it is she likes the fantasy of being a grandparent, but not the reality of it. She hasn’t really got involved with her at all since she was born (bathing her, dressing her, feeding her, playing with her etc). she just likes to have a quick cuddle, coo over her, say “isn’t she lovely”, and then pass her on to someone else! On a couple of occasions DH has made a comment along the lines of “is nanny going to bath you today? She hasn’t done that yet” – but she doesn’t seem to notice.

And as for asking her to babysit – that’s a no go I’m afraid! She has never once even suggested anything of the sort, and I don’t think she could cope with her on her own. Like I said she has never changed her nappy etc, and whenever she starts to cry/whine she just says “I think you need to go to your mummy”

Definitely need to stop overnight visits ….. now how to get out of this one……

Sounds as if you needn't be there until 3pm on Saturday!

I think it's really rude to ask people to stay for a weekend & not be there for most of it-especially when it's a bit of a trawl to get there.

Is there anything to do or other people to see whilst there?

We used to stay at my parents for weekends even though they were only an hr away, but M&D would babysit so that we could go out Fri night, have time together Saturday...

As long as they got to see us & GC, they were happy to let us use their house as a base.

ILs didn't understand why we wouldn't want as much time with them rather than catching up with friends as well!

We're abroad now & my Dad's on his own, & when I visit it's not long before he's saying-"now are you going to be seeing X & Y whilst you're here..."

No, no need to be there before 3pm saturday! not sure what time we are going to get there to be honest - we will have to pack bag etc tomorrow. and DH is notoriously bad for getting ready (unless its for work).

I think it's really rude as well. She'll often go up for a lie down in the afternoon whilst we're there as well. All very well if she is really that tired, but she often goes up just for a bit of a read in bed! We've been known to sit there for about 3 hrs before she's reappeared!

I do have other family and friends in the area / not too far away. But in my opinion that's not the point. We have made plans to come and see her, not my aunts etc. I told her that yesterday when she said we could just get on with doing our own thing whilst she's out. Yes, it's normal for me to pop round to someone else's house if I have the time, but that is normally when she is having said nap or out at the shops. I do those mini visits around what we are doing with her, and if we are busy with her all weekend, I won't see other family and friends on that occasion.

I think she expects us to use her house as a base as well, due to having my family nearby, and DH's friends. But it's weird. She seems to like spending only 3/4hrs at a time with us, then wants to shoo us off somewhere else/goes for a nap. You'd think we don't get on or something (we've never had a cross word - I bite my tongue a lot!!)

Oh well - her loss. Spoke to DH today and he agreed that we at least need to make definitive plans with her, and double check she has no other plans etc, before we say we're going to see her. I shall keep tentatively suggesting that we don't stay over as much anymore.

It sounds like your mil makes alternative plans so she can't/won't be asked to baby sit.

If your lo sleeps well, why not ask her directly to babysit whilst you go out for a few hours? if I went for the weekend, I WOULD make alternative plans.

I'm not a tentative kind of person. I also think it's nice for dh to spend time with his family without me there. Decide what you want to do and just say that's what the plan is.

Perhaps you're all a bit at cross purposes-MIL wants to see you-just not all the time for the whole weekend.

Or she thinks that you want time with others as well as her.

As I said, we used my parents as a base-but it was always understood that we would be seeing friends/ILs, so they did stuff when we were doing stuff iyswim.

I think I'd just do what you want in future-if you want to see others, have a weekend & do so, if not, make it a day thing.

If she only wants to see you for 3 or 4 hours, then go for that amount of time.

I actually don't think she's being unreasonable not wanting to do nappies or baths - maybe she's just not that into babies? Not everyone is. And I think a grandparent has every right to hand the baby back when it starts crying!

I'd say things may change once your DD is older and more interactive.

I think it sounds like she just likes having you in the house - like before when you were going up to see your (now)DH but would be out doing things.

you are absolutely right there PrimalLass - I just think she doesn't like being alone in the house. She likes to come and go knowing that someone is going to be there. Fair enough when your children live at home with you, but not when they moved out several years ago and have since got married and had children!

Well, we got home a few hours ago. Wasn't the worst weekend we have spent with her, but I wouldn't exactly say that it was enjoyable. She didn't get home till 4:20pm eventually! Over the course of 26hrs she managed to pick 3 fights with DH, neglect to prepare a meal for our DD (as in she cooked for everyone else, but didn't make enough food to feed her too), and spend next to no time playing with my DD. In fact she didn't really speak to us much, especially to listen to anything DH or I had to say, and most of today was spent in silence as we walked round the shops or sat watching the TV!! Thoroughly rubbed us both up the wrong way this weekend, and we ended up snapping at each other (Something we never normally do - or rather DH never normally snaps at me!) - at least we're home now!!

CrazyOldCatLady - I'm not saying that its the grandparents role to do nappies etc. But when DH's nieces were this age (only a couple of years ago) she couldn't wait to help out with nappies, dressing them, preparing breakfast etc. So I think DH remembers how she was with them, and then wonders why she doesn't do any of it with our DD. Not even any of the nice stuff. She definitely seems to have favourites, which upsets DH, and pisses me off!
I know she doesn't have an issue with babies - I was with DH when youngest niece was born, and she was all over her. Still is.

Considering the strain it puts on mine and DH's relationship when we spend time with her, I won't be running off and making any plans with her anytime soon. In fact I am sorely tempted to say we are busy the next time she wants to see us (that childish thought will have probably calmed down by then!)