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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My brother's wedding and my estranged mother

16 replies

ThingsThatGoHumpInTheNight · 11/09/2013 23:30

My brother has booked his wedding foot September next year, told me today. Me and DH invited of course. I am one of six though, and the three eldest (incl me, but not wedding bro) are completely estranged from mother. NC on our side fir several years. Lots of nasty letters and vindictive messages from mother though. She is invited. I've no dc, but two older estranged siblings have. The dc are kept from mother for variety of reasons (abuse during our childhood, disregard of their medical issues, smoking etc). One sibling with dc will attend with dc and wife. Other refuses to attend with dc, considering babysitter to avoid awkward 'there's grandma' situation. I will attend with DH and avoid mother.

However, mother has form for ruining family occasions if someone she doesn't like is there (incl my own wedding)...

Do I attend, (my mum will blow up) and ruin for bro and go back to square one re my mental health and confidence...or not attend and upset bro and sil to be? Should I encourage the non keen sibling to attend?

Any experiences? Advice? Gah!

OP posts:

BrokenSunglasses · 11/09/2013 23:33

If you want to be able to go ad support your brother, then do, but plan to make an early exit so hopefully there won't be a chance for you to be involved if your Mum causes a problem.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2013 00:36

Talk to your DBro. If he wants you there and is happy to risk an issue, or has a plan himself, then go.

Have a 'script' for if your mother starts to act up, "we're both here for DBro" or something.

Original poster

ThingsThatGoHumpInTheNight · 12/09/2013 00:43

Bro has made it pretty clear he wants me to go. I would like to go (I feel like I have lost a large part of my family, and I don't want to miss everything)...I just worry he is being naive. I certainly was even it came to my wedding. Escape plan is a must. Speech would definitely not work unfortunately

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WafflyVersatile · 12/09/2013 00:49

Who does your brother blame (if anyone) for the NC between his sibling and his mum?

Can you say to him 'What is your plan to make mum behave properly?'

olgaga · 12/09/2013 00:51

Good grief if you're all at a loss as to how to keep a lid on your feelings and just go through the motions for the sake of the happy couple then surely it's best to stay away.

Original poster

ThingsThatGoHumpInTheNight · 12/09/2013 00:54

I think he knows the issue is with my Mum, he just won't acknowledge this as it would be tantamount to taking sides. Sil to be has expressed worries about being targeted by mum in the future and bro has agreed these are legitimate. They are always on their guard. If I asked him what his plan was, I'm pretty sure he'd just shrug though

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Original poster

ThingsThatGoHumpInTheNight · 12/09/2013 00:56

Wow, if you read the thread olgaga you'll see that I can, just worried about my mother who can't. Thanks for the helpful advice though, excellent reading from you today

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BratinghamPalace · 12/09/2013 05:25

Don't prepare for her to behave, prepare for her not to. So ask an aunt/uncle or someone who knows you all well to be on guard during the wedding. If your mum starts have them take her away for a chat, a drink or a cup of tea. Whatever, just get her away calmly? Good luck. Brutal situation. Enjoy the wedding though!

BratinghamPalace · 12/09/2013 05:25

SubliminalMassaging · 12/09/2013 06:03

What Brating said is a good strategy. Also warn your brother that you may only see the ceremony, or you may be forced to just leave at any point during the reception depending on how she is. Would he or any of teh other siblings who do speak to her be prepared to talk to her in advance and ask her for the sake of his special day to agree to give you all a wide berth and not be confrontational with any of you? Is she likely to agree?

You and the other NC siblings should make a pact of how to behave for maximum damage limitation and to make sure you all present a calm and dignified presence.

Make sure none of you are ever left alone or cornered by her, so that if she starts there will be plenty of witnesses to how she has behaved. All of you should aim to remain calm and civil, if she speaks nicely to you, then do speak back. Stay a bit distant and aloof by all means, but DO NOT be tempted to say anything that could be construed as you being the nasty confrontational one. If she is overly nice and clingy to you, and you are finding it hard to get away from her without saying something you might regret then it is best to just quietly leave.

Just grit your teeth and be on your best behaviour. If she chooses to start a row, say calmly 'I will not do this here. I'm leaving.' and walk away.

olgaga · 12/09/2013 08:31

Sorry. Didn't want to be unhelpful. I was just responding to your stated expectation that she will "blow up" if you're there.

Wasn't your brother at your wedding? If so, and if he knows her form and he still wants you all there anyway it makes me wonder why.

Surely it's possible to ignore her or respond with quiet disdain if you have to? She can only show herself up.

EldritchCleavage · 12/09/2013 13:12

Minder relative is a good plan. My sister did this for me with my horrid SIL and it worked. When SIL started to heckle DH's speech, for example, my sister shut her up very quickly.

My sister can be very scary when she wants to be, mind.

Original poster

ThingsThatGoHumpInTheNight · 12/09/2013 13:18

Yes, perhaps that would work. She did a lot of stomping about at my wedding, snarling at people and walked out in the middle of the speeches. Wouldn't speak to me really, and then not at all the next day. Ignored my sister all day as well. All because I'd had the gall to invite my Dad She now is NC with 4 of her 7 sisters, and 3 of her own children. Quite a difficult lady...

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SubliminalMassaging · 12/09/2013 13:20

Haha - when that happens you have to finally take the hint that it's you and not everybody else that has the problem! Strangely, those people never do though.

EldritchCleavage · 12/09/2013 13:21

Can lend my sister if necessary. She's known as the Major-General.

Seriously though, I'm sorry she's so awful, but don't let her deprive you of this experience. Speak to all siblings beforehand, steel yourselves and then studiously ignore her antics on the day.

Mt cousin just got married: father of bride was so dreadful they had to wait until he died to have the wedding. Sad, but in the end they had a good day.

Original poster

ThingsThatGoHumpInTheNight · 12/09/2013 13:25

Thanks Eldritch, the funny thing is, I am known as somewhat of 'general' type figure myself, work in a very high stress, high conflict environment amid deal with it fine. Love it, actually. But when it's my mum I just dissolve -all the memories of what she has done over the years, all the arguments, insults, court cases, come flooding back and I am a weeping wreck. Just writing this upsets me soon annoying though, need to practise my emotional control before the day!

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