to think that if someone offers you something you should either accept or decline it

[sonofapreacherman]

My DC go to an after school activity.

Another mother from school, who I am friendly with, has DC who go to this activity.

She does not drive, so walks to school, but this means that she does not have enough time to walk her DC to this activity without them being late.

She has told several people of her predicament - and several of us have offered to take her DC for her to the activity and drop them back to her (it's not out of the way as she lives nearby).

When I offered to take her DC to the activity she said to me something along the lines of "oh great, loads of people have offered so I'm not short of offers" which left me unsure as to whether she wanted me to do it or not.

Basically, what now happens is that she texts either me or one of the (three or so) other parents just before pick up to say that she wants us to do the lift.

I can appreciate that maybe she doesn't want to be seen as imposing on one person too much. But what has actually happened is that there are now about 4 or 5 of us in a position where we can't ever offer lifts to other people in case she decides that she wants her DC to travel with us on any given day.

I have another friend that I would like to help out - but having made the offer to the original lady I feel I can't - as she may or may not decide to take me up on my offer on any given day.

Would it be out of order to ask her to just decide who she wants to do this so that the rest of us can get on and make plans for the other spare seats in the car?

I should probably say that she is still going around complaining to other parents about how unfair it is that the people who run the activity haven't thought to consider parents who walk to school rather than driving.

Just offer up your spare seat. You have no proper arrangement. If she asks you just say your cars full. You're making something out of nothing.

Thanks moustachio. I can offer up my spare seat - it's just that if I get a text from her telling me that her DC is going to be travelling with me that day I'll have to turn her down.

But that would be ok, wouldn't it?

Just tell the mother who texts you just before you leave that you are going to offer to help someone else and that you are aware that she can get lifts from other people. She hasn't 'banned' you from offering a lift to anyone else.

You are worrying too much.

I don't think it is out of order to ask her to be more decisive! The others may thank you too - could you all get together at the activity maybe and see if it is worth working out some sort of rota for the next three or four weeks, then some of the others could share lifts too and instead of doing the journey just in case she asks them for a lift that week at the last minute.

Or, next time you see her, could you say that xxx is in the same predicament she is. And as she has said that she has several different options, whereas this other mum has one, you thought you'd give xxx the lift as you know that she has lots of other people she can ask.

Or say that xxx has also asked you for lifts to the activity, so in order to be fair, it's first come, first served?

If you get a text telling you? really?
The whole thing sounds very rude. You could just back out. Tell her anything you want, but include the words "no more".

When you say you're friendly with the mum, is this a two-way thing, or are you friends when it suits her?

Thanks all.

Yes, pretty much Deldado - I'll get a message saying something like "x is coming with you tonight".

I guess it just annoys me as I'm happy to help out, but I don't understand why we all have to be left hanging, keeping spaces free for her..I'd feel bad about just saying 'no' as presumably she'd have told her DC who they'd be going home with that day? So I don't feel I can just say no. And I feel stupid as I offered in the first place.

I just sort of assumed that if you're in a spot and lots of people offer to help you you accept one offer and go with it?

Or you could just say to her 'I'll need to know by x day if you want me to take your child to the activity' - you're not rescinding the offer but not waiting for a last minute text either.

Simply text her and say that you can no longer offer the lift hope its no problem as she has several other options.
I hope I am generous with lifts but in this situation it would have to be each week or not at all. Too much scope for confusion.

I think she's being rude, I don't like favors offered with no yes or no or here's what I need to do before I can let you know.

I also like to load up my car when I am driving, it's just practical. I would proceed as normal with filling your spare seats.

She's definitely being rude.

Some people do tend to assume we are at their disposal.

It happened with a friend who hadn't asked if I would give her a lift a certain day. I had to go earlier and she was stranded.
Nothing wrong with a reality check.

Just offer the seat to whoever you want and if she texts you just tell her it's not possible.
Then it depends on her reaction.

I think it's ok to divide between different offers, but she could have set days, or ask you a few days in advance if x day is ok.

If she does it to you last minute, maybe they have a regular driver who occasionally says no?

I suspect she's just trying not to impose on one of you (which in a lot of ways is an easier option for her). I know when we had no car, I was very conscious of not taking lifts unless I absolutely had to, so the favours, as it were, were saved up for when I was desperate.

Now I drive I know that taking an extra one in the car is not much more hassle, but I always felt guilty about taking a favour I couldn't reciprocate.

If there is someone else you wish to offer the lift to, then do, if she texts then you'll have to say that you can't as you're taking someone else.

Perhaps the people who have offered help could organise it between themselves as to who is taking her child?

I think it's really rude of her to be telling someone with little notice.