To be annoyed

[ChoudeBruxelles]

My mum died last September. I'm obviously not looking forward to the anniversary of her passing away. Dh is working and is struggling to book the day off (it's a Saturday) so asked best friends weeks ago if they would like to go out for the day with me - with dcs- to keep me busy and stop me mopping.

Now one can't ask she's going away with new boyfriend and other has another friend coming to stay for the weekend.

So Aibu to be annoyed that I now will probably be on my own with ds?

Must friend who has other friend coming says I can still do something with her and her friend

I'm sorry for your loss.

Who are you annoyed at?

Friends for not doing what they said they would - spend the day with me

Are there other family members you could see? Siblings, father, aunts etc?

Could you it go out still with your second friend?

If what you need is distracting, it might be good for you to meet someone new.

I do understand how you feel, but it wouldn't be done in malice, I'm sure.

"It go out" should read "still go out"

I might still go out with friend and her friend. My dad died 3 years ago, I'm an only child so no siblings and don't get on with only living aunt

Do you think you may be dramatising this a little? I don't want to be harsh but don't you think the day should be about remembering your Mum and not about entertaining you? Forgive me if I have picked this up wrong.

When it is my Mum's anniversary, I have a mass said, and do a little something to honour her. She was a great cook and baker so I like to bake a cake or tart that she did and try to do it the way she did and share with my sons and just chat about happy memories. Having said that my Mum would hate any maudlin chest beating over emotional display. Actually, maybe I am being a bit harsh. Sorry.

Do you necessarily need someone else to be involved? Could you not organise to take your DC out for the day to keep your mind from dwelling on it?

I think you are in danger of possibly making it worse than it needs to be by building it up beforehand.

Why not just go on a nice day out with the children?

I am sorry for your loss.
I would probably feel let down, but the older I get the more I see that people have to get on with their own lives and it is hard to meet special friends that will go that extra mile/put their lives on hold.

I don't think your friends have any responsibility to keep the day for you- but it would be nice if they did.

I will remember my mum but I imagine I will be a bit upset so wanted to do something nice for the day to make it easier - not just entertain me.

I can go out on my own but would prefer to be with some friends

Yabu to be annoyed. You can be disappointed of course...but I don't think you're quite allowed to be annoyed.
As someone who lost their mum eight years ago now, I have never expected anyone else to mark the date of her death with me.

I am sorry for your loss of course, but yabu.

Oh come on be fair to the OP, we all deal with grief differently and the first anniversary is tough.

She hasn't expected her friends to automatically remember the date. She's pointed it out to them and asked if they can support her.
OP YADNBU to be disappointed that they said they could and have now pulled out.

However, if they don't get it, they don't get it. I think you'll just have to accept that your friends won't be around and make alternative plans.

Take care of yourself.

Dramatising that is terribly harsh.

OP I can u dear stand how you are feeling just now, but in all honesty this may be just what you need. On the early anniversaries after my mum passed I desperately wanted to cling to my sister, she however wanted to deal with it differently, she wanted to be on her own with her family. I got that hint and just done my own thing and to be honest making no plans was the best thing. It's quite difficult to know how you will feel on this day, you will obviously be dreading it and feel the need to be around others, but come the day you will be in a better position to know what to do for the best.

In your position I would just let the dc know its a special day to remember GM and you may be feeling a little sad and decide what is best to do once you get up etc.

If you specifically asked your friends and mentioned the anniversary and they said they would spend the day with you but later gave excuses, then YANBU.

Is this the case?

Actually I think yr friends are being a bit insensitive, given the circumstances. I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset.

Yes I told friends that I would like to do something

oh choude. tough isn't it? i have just had the anniversary of my dad's death in august. the lead up to the day was worse than the day itself. hopefully this will be so for you too, but everyone is different and grieves in a different way.

How confirmed were your plans with these friends? If no definite arrangements were made, then I can understand someone choosing to have a weekend away with a new boyfriend rather than have a child friendly day out, if she is childless herself. It makes her a flakey friend, rather than a bad friend.

I don't think the friend who has another friend staying is doing anything wrong, she has said she is still available to see you.

Sorry but you need to just get on with life. Things which are terribly important to you aren't as important to the rest of the world.

Suggest you remember your mum in your own way at your own time. It sounds likes she was a great mum and you must miss her a lot.

That doesn't mean your friends have to miss her, as their relationship was different.

Hope you make it through the day and remember her with love.