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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this friend was/is being extremely rude and to distance myself from her in future?

123 replies

LostMyBiroAgain · 11/09/2013 14:00

I am so cross with a friend. I think today has been the last straw regarding my friendship with her, but she's done other things too that have made me feel a bit uneasy.

Today she invited me round to hers for coffee and so that our 3 year old DDs, who are friends at nursery too, could play together. It was at her suggestion that I went round. I had nothing else planned but would have been happy to stay home, I'm not one of those people that needs to live in friends' pockets.

Anyway, we went round to her house and from the moment we got there I could tell she was in one of 'those' moods. We knocked at the door and she came, opened it and then walked off into her kitchen without greeting us. I was friendly as normal and said hello and started chatting and she didn't reply to me or even say hello to DD. I went through to her kitchen and she was in there cleaning the worktops and doing other jobs. Eventually we went and sat through in her living room and she was really moody the whole time we were there. She didn't once speak to DD, and was snappy with me and giving me one word answers. I tried a few times to start talking and she was so rude and arsey. She also kept talking about other friends of hers and how great they are and how she's been to this with X and been to there with Y. She didn't seem to want to get into any conversation with me at all. She sat there on her phone most of the time, and then suddenly walked off and went and started clearing up in another room, leaving me sitting there. She also kept telling her DD 'yes when LostMyBiro has gone, we'll go round and see Jane next door'.

After about an hour of being there, her DD kept being spiteful to my DD and my friend just kept laughing, so I politely said that I had to go now as I had to go out this afternoon and had lots to do. I got DDs shoes on and left, but felt really tearful. I really wish I hadn't bothered going and had stayed home. The atmosphere could have been cut with a knife, she really didn't want me there! And yet she invited me. She's done it before to me, and I feel she's either really pally with me and acts like I'm a good friend, then suddenly without warning every few weeks she acts all moody towards me and makes out that she's having a great time with other friends and that she hates my company.

She also always forgets plans with me. It has got to the point now where I only meet up with her at her suggestion as she constantly forgot things, even though she seems to manage perfectly well to remember plans with others. And even when she suggests things she still forgets about them, or cancels at the last minute then gets irritated when I won't meet at another day/time of her choice. She also makes lots of barbed, abrupt comments disguised as compliments. DH says he thinks she is testing me out to see if I'll be her little lap dog and do as she says!

And one more thing; she told me a few weeks ago that DD is invited in a couple of weeks to the party of her friend's DD. I mentioned the party today and she was snappy and insisted that she hadn't said that to me and that unless I had had an invite then DD wasn't invited. I don't care whether or not DD is invited, but I feel she's gaslighting me a little...

AIBU to keep my distance? I have to be careful as our DDs will be at school together next year and my friend has lots of friends and acquaintances and I really don't want to have enemies at the school gates!

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 12/09/2013 11:08

I can't be doing with this fake, non committal interest. If you don't want to be friends. Don't be. Delete her number and block. She can only make you feel uncomfortable if you let her. I know it is shit to be stood at the school gate and feel like Billy No Mates but tbh you need to tell yourself of course you wouldn't want to be mates with someone who is a bully and if others side with her and ignore you then they aren't the type of people you want to socialise with anyway.

She will soon move on to someone else.

Doesnotdrinkalcohol · 12/09/2013 11:18

For fuck sake, cut the bitch off and be done with it! Why are you even asking?Hmm

LostMyBiroAgain · 12/09/2013 11:20

I guess I am just looking to make life as easy as possible for myself. Yes I could confront her, but then it would have a knock on effect, and I just can't be bothered with it. I'd rather keep my life drama free where possible.

I don't think she's the kind of person that takes it well if someone calls her on something; When she falls out with someone she falls out with them big style, with bells on.

OP posts:
ProjectGainsborough · 12/09/2013 11:42

OP, I get where you're coming from. I wouldn't want a drama taking the DC to and from school.

That said, I think you do need to be 'busy' when she calls from now on in because its not like she's really adding much to your life, is she?

MissStrawberry · 12/09/2013 11:46

Your life is not drama free at the moment and you still have this shit going on.

No one is saying confront her. Just stop replying to her texts and block her number.

Who died and made her fucking Queen Bee? Hmm

oldgrandmama · 12/09/2013 11:53

Sounds like she's playing with your head. Nasty woman - definitely avoid.

Floggingmolly · 12/09/2013 11:59

I can't work out what the dilemma actually is? Why are you trying to force a friendship with this person???? I'm stunned you sat in her house for a full hour, too, with her refusing to talk, and cleaning around you Shock
Why didn't you just go home?

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 12/09/2013 12:02

Just dont have anything more to do with her.
Its surprisingly easy to not answer texts or phone calls.

Avoid her at school gates. Arrive early / late / meet at different place?

treadheavily · 12/09/2013 12:12

You are confused about what an easy life is. Let me spell it out for you.

Cut her out.

No good can come of being in contact with her, she is utterly toxic.

You have your own issues; you need to value yourself more highly and to spend your time with people who are kind, fun and supportive. And, as you get rid of the Wendies in your life, you will have more space for good people.

avolt · 12/09/2013 12:26

I had a "friend" very like this. Hugely sociable and friendly to some people, me and one or two others were "2nd class citizens", there to use and abuse.

Stop doubting yourself and go with your instincts. She sounds dreadful. The turning point for me was when it escalated to her verbally attacking dd in public places - there had to be a big audience. Detach yourself before your dc starts school.

You could try avoiding her, not replying to texts etc, but you may just have to tell her straight. I don't think we're compatible as friends and I think we should just leave it.

GrrArgh · 12/09/2013 12:30

Don't spend another moment thinking about her: this is horrible behaviour. You'd never win at this, never be able to explain it.

Just behave as though she doesn't exist, and when you do have to see her, be sweet, polite, but unavailable for much more than a very short hello how are you...?

GrrArgh · 12/09/2013 12:32

And positively never accept any invitations from her or extend any to her.
Total politeness but no engagement is the way to go.
"Sorry, I won't be able to do that" is how to say it: no explanations!

pigletmania · 12/09/2013 12:48

Well just delete her details from your life and ignore her!

Thepowerof3 · 12/09/2013 12:51

You poor thing, what a horrible morning. I think your husband is right she is testing to see if she can use you, I think GrrArgh has the right idea

pigletmania · 12/09/2013 12:52

Be polite but civil, if she texts leave it o a few days bebre replying. If she asks to meet up just tell her you busy. Just because your Chidren ar friend does no mean yo have to be! An you certainly do no have to be a doormat!

pigletmania · 12/09/2013 12:54

Yes listen to GrrAggg. If sh did forget which I doub, her behaviour was both rude and unacceptable

GrrArgh · 12/09/2013 12:56

BTW I went on holiday with a group of friends, and one of them - whom I'd never had issues with before, though she clearly had with me Grin - did this one-word-answer, huffy twonking about.

I am not surprised you "put up with it" for an hour because it is extremely shocking when it happens to you and you're not thirteen - I felt like I was almost having an out of body experience Grin watching this woman behaving so badly towards me.

It was horrible to think about for a few days (pit of the stomach horrible) and then I got my shit together, realised I had nothing more to say to her, and ignored a couple of nicey-nicey messages from her. Since then I've seen her a few times in the group: I pretend she's not really there, I speak pleasantly if she talks to me but make sure it doesn't last long. And that is it. I never ask her anything about herself or her life. If there are more people involved in the conversation I focus on them, or let them talk to her.

It feels great, because I'm in control and I have saved face.

thebody · 12/09/2013 12:58

she sounds very very childish and probably a jealous bulky shit stirrer. avoid her. don't answer texts or phone calls as YOU are too busy to see her.

your dds will make other friends.

don't even think of engaging in school pick up politics.

btw what's all this 'Wendy' crap? my mom is Wendy and she's nice!!

tobiasfunke · 12/09/2013 13:01

I had a friend like this. One minute nice, next a grumpy cow. Always being pally with other people and trying to exclude me. I dumped her (mind you it took 20 years) - it feels great.
Indifference is what's called for- no more playdates, no more coffee. Be smiley smiley but always with a big no thank you.

I think she has figured that you are a soft touch. Being shit to you makes her feel powerful and gives her a kick. She won't like it if you just don't bother. Don't have it out with her she'll just say you're overly sensitive.

ShelleyGal · 12/09/2013 13:08

Cut her off quick like.. The longer you leave it the harder it will be! (Unless you are looking to be her doormat?) I'm speaking from experience. If she starts trouble, let her, she's making herself look stupid.. As for school gate cliques, stay away from those too, if you want a quiet life!!

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 12/09/2013 13:24

I had a "friend" like this. She would bitch about me, put me down and try to make me feel inferior and a bit silly. I was something for her to do if she could be bothered. I cut her out completely. When she finally realised she'd been given the elbow by me it was funny watching her trying to push her way back in to my life. If she joined in a conversation I was having with other people I just went silent and offered no opinion on anything. I never made my feelings known to mutual friends but if i got wind that something would involve her I just wouldnt accept an invite. She finally approached me to ask if i had a problem with her. So i told her what the deal was. I said that i wouldnt ignore her any more and would say hello but didn't want the friendship back to how it was. I told her to only cultivate friendships with people she actually wanted to be friends with. Simple really.

takeaway2 · 12/09/2013 13:56

wow YourMa - respect! and how did she take it? did she try and defend herself?

Dubjackeen · 12/09/2013 14:21

Agree with others who have said, just distance yourself from her. No need for a confrontation of any sort. Just say hello, or wave, don't engage any further. Friends don't treat one another like she has treated you.

Charlottehere · 12/09/2013 14:25

Run ...fast

pigletmania · 12/09/2013 18:44

That's fantastic Ma good on you Smile