To NOT lend my DSis money?

[nomoremagic]

Had a text from my DSis asking for £200 until a couple of weeks time as she was on sick pay last month and therefore doesn't have enough money. Her 'D'H apparently has none either despite being paid weekly, and doing over time for a couple of hours every day , and to be honest I do not think she has asked him for the money.

Add to this that through the month she was off thanks to FB updates I am aware that she was contacted by credit card company to say there was unusual spending on her card - which was actually her, been on a shopping trip to a large shopping centre (after the credit card update), booked a spa day at a local spa which is around £75- £100.

Now, its not my business what she wants to spend money/credit card on so I keep my opinion to myself but it is now kind of my business when being asked for money. And if I bail her out the spending in excess of means will continue however I don't want to be seen as a bitch for not lending her it.

I have not discussed this with my DP yet, which I will need to as all our money is joint, family money, however I know his opinion of my Dsis and her Dh and their spending so he will not want to lend it.

I also want to say that they have 2 children, my Dsis has a long term illness/disability which is degenerative. In the full knowledge of this it was thought a good idea to spend piss up the wall an inheritance of around £90k in about 15 months, with the minimum being spent on house deposit, so are mortgaged to the hilt, her 'D'H made my sister write and sign a letter to say if they split she would only get 30% of the house value (not sure if this would be the case or not?) BEFORE he would buy the house. Her 'D'H also has a trip booked for the cricket tour in AUS in december and will be gone about 5 weeks hope he has enough to still cover the bills at home for then, but not counting on it, for this trip he has changed a couple of grand into Aus $ and it is at home (this could be changed back to cover the shortfall this month??) and they have borrowed 5K from a sibling of her H to pay to attend the wedding of another of his siblings in another country.

Would you lend the money?
What would you say if you did?
What would you say if you did not?

Just tell her you don't have it to lend her.

Not a chance and I doubt you would see it again if you did.

I wouldn't.
If I did, I'd have her sign an agreement for specific repayments at specific times.
I would refuse and say you can't afford to give it, and you aren't confident of getting it back soon. Or, if you are close enough, ask her what on earth is going on, because they are flirting with financial disaster.

Sounds as though they've got locked into some very spendy habits (your DSIL possibly to placate BIL, who sounds dreadful). When people are doing this, the very last thing they need is more money or credit. They actually need the money to run out and for them to have to sort themselves out properly, painful though it may be.

Not a chance, with that history.

I'd be tempted to simply say I don't like lending to family/friends because I think it tends to get in the way of relationships.

Of course YANBU

Absolutely not. Yanbu

absolutely no way

God, what an awful situation for your sister.
Sounds like she's in a shitty position combined with not being very good with money (and making the shitty position worse).

Could you perhaps pay off a bill for her, rather than giving her the cash? Therefore ensuring that the money is being spent sensibly?

Her DH sounds like a c**t of the highest order to me.

From what you say she is really asking for a gift since there is no reasonable chance of her repaying it, and it will just cause ill feeling when you need it back.
It's not going to work, so YANBU to say no.

Don't pay off her bills. If you do, you are allowing and enabling her and her DH to shirk even more responsibility than happens already.

I am glad that after the first few replies I don't seem to be being an unreasonable bitch!

She said she would pay it all back in a couple of weeks (giving exact date) which is when she receives her disability benefit money. But I then think that you will then be short again as she has been off work this month too.

I just can't understand how someone (her H) could spend all that money in such a short space of time, with nothing to really show for it and with the situation with my sisters health and the inability to work on occasion some money should have been saved.

DP and I are lucky enough to be in a good financial position now but that is due to being careful and making good decisions and I could lend the money, even afford for her to not pay it back but that way the lesson will not be learnt.

My mother has this with her dsis, who's dh is about as financially reasonable and as much of an arsehole as your bil sounds. It has never improved. Money goes down sinkholes with them and they still have not learned how to manage money. They are in debts up to their eyeballs but still spend spend spend. My DM's parents phone regularly to scream at my DM that they should be bailing her dsis out (my disabled, living off DLA DM). My DF has had enough of wasting his life savings on them and will not live on the breadline to keep supporting my irresponsible aunt, he's a pensioner so its not like he can easily just pick up another job to help pay. My aunt btw, is a higher tax payer. Its not like she doesn't have a massive paycheck every month - they are just that irresponsible. My DMs relationship with her parents is almost non existent now (this is one thing in a long string of things) and it causes massive issues with DM and DF. And my aunt? Doesn't give a crap about any of it as long as her family can continue to piss money up a wall.

I may be biased but in your circumstances I'd just say no.

YANBU, your sister and her H need to learn to manage money themselves. My mum and I lend/borrow money between each other but both know there is no doubt about it being returned and on time.

as the old saying goes
neither a borrower or lender be
that way they wont owe you anything that you wont get back and you wont owe anybody

No way would I give lend them any money. They'll cut their cloth to their own means if well meaning people keep bailing them out.

Also her husband sounds like a total shit.