To think that if you've upset your DS you don't just shrug your shoulders and say you haven't done anything wrong.

[shellbot]

But try and talk to him to find out why he was upset?

I'll try and keep this short but would like some perspective as I'm obviously biased and hate to see my son upset.

DS (11) phoned me in tears from his dad's house last Thursday just before exh was due to bring them back and wanted me to come for him.

DS who is quite young for his age (and a big softy) started secondary school this September which involved getting the school bus. He was worried and asked his dad if he would wait nearby in his car while DS caught the bus for the first week. Ex said yes but then let DS down on the Wednesday to take his girlfriend to work. DS then asked ex to be there on Monday to make up for it but ex said no as he was going away for the weekend with his girlfriend.

So DS hasn't wanted to see ex since then and all ex will say is he hasn't done anything wrong and just shrugs his shoulders. He wont make any effort to speak or contact DS to sort this out ie stays in his car when bringing DS2 back.

I know it may seem trivial about changing plans but this is an ongoing problem and it isn't the first time that ex has put his girlfriends before his sons. He also hasn't taken them away at all this year so DS is upset that he takes his girlfriend but not him.

I've tried talking to ex but he's a very self centered person and just does what's easier for him.

So aibu?

I'm not sure. Your ds sounds like he likes to call the shots maybe? I probably wouldn't agree to waiting around in a car for 5 days either.

He did agree to though AnaisB

I'm not sure if YABU but as a general rule if you say you're going to do something you should stick to it.

he is being a bit petty not trying to sort it out with his son. he is the adult after all. He should be willing to have a conversation with him about it to clear the air.

It's hard to judge this situation without more context.

On the face of it, it's not super-dad material but I know my husband (who's super-dad on a good day) and I disagree quite a lot about how much hand-holding my son requires (he's the same age). This may be a philosophical disagreement more than a misalignment of priorities.

He agreed, and should have gone through with it. If he wasn't happy to wait in the car for a week (and I wouldn't be) he shouldn't have agreed in the first place.

I'm sure they'll sort it out between them eventually. I know it's hard to see your DS upset, but try and let him sort things out with his dad alone. It might be better if your DS stands up and says why he's upset and what he wants to change, rather than it come from you IYSWIM.

It sounds to me as though this is less about your son being anxious about catching the bus than about him being very conscious of 'competing' for his father's time with the girlfriend. He wanted the Monday as a way of making up the lost day that he lost to her. Your ex should certainly address it. There's more going on here than new school anxiety.

You can't change your ex or force him to parent the way you do. I suggest you look at what you can do to help your DS come to terms with his dads behaviour and work with him on coping strategies so that he won't need him to wait in the car. Can he have more time at yours until he's settled into his new school? Is he able to initiate a chat with his dad himself so there's no way your ex can use his feelings for you to influence things.

The holiday situation sounds really sad. Your ex won't get these years back and it will be his loss.

You sound like a lovely sensible caring mum, your don is lucky to have a parent so sensitive and so totally on his side.

" DS then asked ex to be there on Monday to make up for it"

This is the line I homed in on, I'm afraid. Yes, fine to ask his dad to wait if he was nervous in the first week, and if dad said yes, then he should have waited. But waiting on Monday to make up for missing Wednesday? How does that work if it's really about him being nervous?

I agree that if he said he would wait then ideally he should have waited, but given that plans changed it would be more appropriate to apologise than to agree to wait in the car on the monday to make up for it.

If there is an issue with you ex letting your ds down or not spending enough time with him then that needs to addressed directly.

Thanks everyone. I think it is more about feeling second best with ex. In the past both boys had said they don't like ex's girlfriend but from what they've said I don't think it's because of anything she's done but simply because they feel left out. It was the same with ex's previous girlfriend.

With the car thing DS was worried about getting the bus so ex agreed he would be there for the first week on the understanding that DS would then go on his own. So I think Ex should have kept to it or said at the time that he didn't want to do it. I think wanting the Monday to make up for it was really just to extend having someone there. He's always worried about new things so just think he needed that reassurance on the first week that someone was close by.

I think I'll take a step back as suggested and see how things pan out. DS seems quite happy at the moment and has been a lot less worried about the bus this week so I think he's got used to it.

AnaisB - just seen your message. I don't think there's an issue with not spending enough time as he sees them a lot. During the school holidays it was every other day as he lives very close to me. Since they've started back at school it is every Tues and Thurs from school until 8pm ish so that I can make sure they get to bed at a reasonable time unlike 11 or 12am that ex used to do. He then sees them either from school Frid to sat teatime or sat teatime to sunday teatime.

There is an issue with him letting them down but he basically does what's best for him and as far as he's concerned he never does anything wrong. Unfortunately as he believes nothing is his fault then no matter how much you try to get him to see the other persons point of view he won't take it on board. Believe me I tried for years when I was married to him!

Sounds like a member of my family. His adult children still feel hurt by the constant broken promises, lies, and prioritising of temporary girlfriends over his children.

Family member still does not get what the problem was!