WIBU not to get them an engagement present?

[bt1978]

A couple DH and I are related to got engaged and had a party. It was in an ordinary hotel, not fancy, but a nice teatime do. We were invited 3 days before the event via Facebook.

We have been related to them for only a few years since it is due to a second marriage in the wider family, and although we are similar in age we do not socialise with them and only see them at random family events.

The above may or may not be relevant...it is just background info.

Anyway, it has been brought to our attention that we were the only people not to give an engagement gift. We took a card. Apparently that wasn't enough!
We will be getting them a wedding gift, unless we have now been struck off the invite list.

Do people give gifts at these things?

Would you expect an engagement gift?

Is it not unbelievably bad manners to even remark on the absence of a present?

This has pissed us off, quite frankly, and I wonder if we were being unreasonable....

[BrokenSunglasses]

It's always polite to take a gift if you are being hosted, but considering you weren't formally invited and all you got was a Facebook invitation a couple of days before the event, a box of chocolates or a bottle of bubbly would have been appropriate.

[Writerwannabe83]

The Wedding is the event to be celebrated, not the engagement!!
The engagement is just the start of the process.

What's next? Conception Parties because that is the 'event' that begins the process of a new baby being born?

[MrsMook]

I'd have done the same as the OP.

Out of the umpteen weddings I've been to, only one was preceeded by an engagement party. There were gifts there- seem to remember a list so we got one, and they were a very young couple who were preparing to live together.

Generally when most people live together, what kind of present would be expected? Household items, you'd expect for the wedding. It's not a personal item like a birthday present. It's not a bottle of wine for hosting. It's not a box of chocolates type thing is it? (Genuinely doesn't know ettiquette)

sounds like the parents are the offended party, rather than the couple.

[themaltesefalcon]

Never heard of an engagement gift.

Where will it end? First shag present?

[MaxPepsi]

I wouldn't have taken a gift. No matter how long I'd known about the party/celebration.
A card yes, present no.

In fact I tend to find myself busy for engagement parties, for me they are a bad omen and tacky. Mainly due to the fact everyone I know who's had one has split up/divorced/never actually managed to get married.

[peggyundercrackers]

yes I would have taken a gift - its expected where I live, its what everyone does if the people have a party however if you don't have a party then people don't expect gifts.

[Writerwannabe83]

Good point Max,

I went to an engagement party just over 3 years ago for my friend and her new fiancée.

Since then I have met a guy, married him and am now pregnant with our first baby.

My friend has still not got round to getting married....

[Writerwannabe83]

The term 'getting engaged' doesn't seem to mean much these days. I have known people be engaged for years and years, no intention of setting a date or anything like that....so I ask? What was the point? Perhaps they just wanted a Grabby Party....

I love that the em whoever came up with it!!

[firesidechat]

If a friend or relative just announced their engagement then I wouldn't get a present, but would get a card.

If they went to the trouble of having a "do" and I was invited then I would buy them a present. It seems like the right thing to do.

[firesidechat]

Oh, I probably ought to add that I don't think I've actually been to an engagement party, so it's all a bit academic really.

[wigglesrock]

I've always brought something small to an engagement party. I've only been to a few, not everyone I know has them. When I say small I mean like a £10 photoframe. I got engaged 16 years ago and didn't have a party but I was surprised to get a few presents mostly from my Mums friends.

I don't think engagement parties are tacky and if they are they are exceptionally less grabby than housewarming parties.

[flowery]

I think an engagement party at a hotel is a bit over the top.

I think engagement presents are over the top and unnecessary.

However I think if someone invites you to a party to celebrate an event, you bring a gift.

[Kerosene]

I think a card is more than sufficient, particularly for people you don't know well. Assuming it was a Friday night thing, you were invited on what, Wednesday? That's not a great deal of time to actually get out to the shops and buy something.

Short notice, acquaintances rather than friends, complaining after the fact? Sounds grabby.

[Writerwannabe83]

wiggles - do people actually expect gifts at house warming parties?? Jesus! That is mental!!

Taking a bottle of wine is one thing, seeing as you are probably going to be drinking it yourself anyway, but to buy the people a gift? I would never do that

[wigglesrock]

Yup, those bloody orchids in pots were solely invented for it

[SockQueen]

I've never got anyone an engagement gift, and nobody got us one, though we did get lots of lovely cards. YANBU.

[CaptainUndercrackers]

Engagement parties and presents seem a bit old fashioned to me. It wasn't the couple that mentioned the lack of gift though, was it? It was one of their parents. I suspect there's a generation gap thing going on - the parents still expected gifts as that's how it was done 'in their day'. I bet the couple didn't mind at all about the lack of gift.

[jacks365]

Writerwannabe I'd class a bottle of wine as a gift. It's still something you give.

[flipchart]

I would have taken a card and a bottle of champagne tbh.

All those saying no time for a present and they only found out 3 days before the event, well in 3 days MOST (OK not all before you jump on me) can find the time to go to Asda, Tesco, whatever or pass an Offie to get a bottle.

Whether it was expected or not is irrelevant, I would have felt uncomfortable turning up with just a card to a celebration.

[Hegsy]

We had an engagement party, it made more sense I worked 2 jobs at the time so trying to arrange time off for celebration drinks with our different groupsi.e work colleagues who enjoy a piss up, my parents who love going out for meals etc, inlaws who do nothing social EVER was a nightmare, it just became easier to organise a party. Anyone that asked we told them no gifts, we still ended up with loads and we were very appreciative but one of the favourite things we got was a card that had been made with our names printed and pop out decoration(cannot remeber what its called!) a lot of time and effort clearly went into it and we still have it now.

OP YANBU I'd rather have a nice thoughtful card than engagement 'tat' anyday!

[festered]

It's a bit short notice to arrange a gift.

[galletti]

I would have taken a gift to the engagement party.

However, I would never expect a present/comment on anyone who did not bring a gift.

[flipchart]

festered What? Too short notice to nip into Tesco express and buy a bottle of champers!!
Don't be daft, nobody saying you have to go out and get a Denby tea set or anything.
I would have just got a token gift.

[Calloh]

I definitely do not think it is the done thing to take a gift to an engagement party.

Engagement parties are often drinks parties, although here there was a meal.

I think it is decidedly infra-dig to expect a present at such a function especially when one would presumably accept that guests may give presents at a wedding. And then to circulate that someone was the only guest who did not bring a gift is really vulgar.

YADNBU.