Sharing parental leave

[Havre]

NC for this.

Am I being unreasonable to be unhappy that my partner will not share parental leave after week 20?

He will be good at childcare. My job position is also much weaker than his - I'm not permanent, and am very anxious about income and job security.

He says no on the basis that it's not practical and will be perceived as disruptive. I don't agree. It's a well-resourced place (we work in the same larger institution) so cover could definitely be arranged. He hasn't made a request to take leave then, but instead negotiated that he could take it at weeks 14 to 20, when work will be very quiet. He suggests I return for those six weeks, and then resume leave at weeks 20 to 26.

I haven't agreed yet, or seen whether my department would agree. At first glance, it seems 'not ideal'. I won't get any credit for an early return, & will presumably be expressing miserably at work for a longer time.

It seems that he is offering to split leave on unfavourable terms in the expectation that I will take the 26 weeks myself, but (from his point of view) only after much wasting of breath.

In which case, should I take the offer on his terms, and make the best of it? How do early returners manage?

Have you checked out that the legislation allows you to swop and then swop again? I thought it only allowed the father to take leave after the mother had returned to work - i.e. once you have gone back you can't go off again.

Assuming that is right, I doubt your company will be particularly keen on a six week return and then off again. They wouldn't be able to reclaim the SMP from the government once your leave had technically ended. And I really can't see what useful work you can do for six weeks before going off again (unless perhaps it is work that requires very little reacclimatisation and handover. Something like data entry maybe?).

I think that your partner is being unreasonable too. The clear message is that his career matters, but yours doesn't any more.

YANBU, don't have a baby with him

Thanks, ContrastofWhites.

The institution could work with the swapping if they wanted; though may use the inability to reclaim SMP as a reason to say no. I'm waiting to hear from my department what is possible from their point of view.

There is up to 26 weeks' occupational mat. pay available in addition to SPP & so far I've had no indication that it wouldn't transfer, though again am waiting to hear. If it doesn't transfer, it's a simple decision - we can't afford the income loss.

There are many couples here & it's something which will happen more & more when leave can be shared formally from 2015, so I think we're making a useful test request.

It's not the private sector & I would be returning to my own work programme which can be stopped & started. It would just suit me better to return at 20 weeks. I guess I can't force it - clearly my powers of persuasion are very weak - but am not very enthusiastic about saying 'okay then' either.

Personally I would find this emotionally very difficult too. It's harder than you sometimes expect returning to work - adjusting to being with adults again, having conversations, meeting deadlines, drinking hot coffee...

Seriously though, I'm not sure I'd be keen on doing 're-entry' twice. It can be pretty exhausting and emotional.

I also really worry about the message your partner is sending you. It seems to be: Yes, I will do childcare. When it is handy for me. When it doesn't put me out at all. My career is important and cannot be compromised. Yours does not matter. My needs come first.

When there is an inconvenience (sick child at nursery, childminder with the flu) I can already guess that his assumption will be that you will drop work to be there. I think it's setting up an imbalance which, unless you are very happy with those roles, could create some real long term tension and frustration between you.

Seems like he wants to do it all on his terms. That it will be "disruptive" at work is a common argument men make for not sharing parental leave ... apparently women don't have the same problem. Perhaps our jobs are just not as important.

What contrast said. I told my DH shared leave or no second child. It is difficult to stand firm on but the earlier you create the understanding of 50-50, the better, if that is what you want.

There's a good article in one of the broadsheets this week about the virtues of an even split.

I would try not to let his attitude upset me too much as a lot of men find this issue hard to get their heads around, but I would do my best to get him to do it.

My dh wanted to do this but we had our last child before it was brought in. What he did do though was take 3 weeks (some of it unpaid) to allow me to return to work without stress. It really helped.

YANBU.

My dh wanted to do this but we had our last child before it was brought in. What he did do though was take 3 weeks (some of it unpaid) to allow me to return to work without stress. It really helped.

YANBU.