To think it's about time I stood up to my narcasistic, passive aggresive mother?

[SnottyMorag]

So my mother has again decided to go off in a mood with me, no idea what about this time but it's probably related to the fact that I have spare money and it's pissing her off, the fact that I got my partners mum to look after my kids when I go away for a few days so that my own mum doesn't get the opportunity to promise she'll do it and then mess me about continuuously on the run up to it before letting me down last minute in an attempt to fuck it up like she ALWAYS does or maybe the fact that I'm ggoing away at all. Maybe its the fact that work commitments mean I can't go down and sip tea all day like she wants me to - God knows. She won't actually admit that she's in a mood - she just makes it obvious on the phone. Anyway, I agreed to try and sell my sisters phone on ebay (because they're incapable of doing such things despite the crap that they manage to buy online) and last time I called my mum she snapped "sold that phone yet?" and seemed to be implying that I was in some way ripping them off. Anyway, we now have sold it and I called on Saturday to tell them - no answer. Called back on the evening - no answer. Called Sunday - no answer. Called yesterday - no answer.

Now they have caller ID so they'll know I've been ringing so why has nobody bothered to call me back? my mum and my sister don't work or do much of anything to be honest so they can't say they were busy - can't be as busy as I am anyway working full tiime, doing exams, looking after two kids etc etc.

So the excuse will be either:
"Oh I didn't call you back as I don't know your new number." - bullshit, she manages to call me when she wants to and anyway, they have caller ID!!

OR

"Oh I didn't call you back as I thought you'd be at work" - what, continuously since Saturday morning?

I know she's my mum but fucking hell I've really had enough of her narcasistic, two faced, passive aggressive behaviour and for years I've taken it like a mug. AIBU to now call her up on it and say "actually, I'vve been trying to call since Saturday and one of you could have called me back. The excuses you're using don't make sense."

I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I can relate to how you are feeling with your mum and her moods.
Mine drives me bonkers with her moods but when confronted and asked what the issue is she cries and says "I'm sorry you think I'm such a bad mother to you, I've done my best". Then I feel like the worlds biggest bitch.
So I'm just marking my place in the hope that someone comes along with some advice for us. Wish I had the guts to not care about her opinion and what she says. Feel for you!

Do you think that being confrontational will help though? She'll probably just turn it back on you.

I can't offer any advice, as my family wasn't like that, but have you seen the Stately Homes threads? This is the latest www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families.

There are loads of MNers with similar experiences - and a lot of useful tips and advice from people who've experienced this sort of thing first hand.

I've gradually distanced myself from my mum (who is very like yours sounds Merlot) - she still persists with a delusion that we're close, but I now no longer talk to her on the phone. Ever. I used having DC as an excuse - being tired, busy etc. (which are both actually true) and only deal with her by email which is much easier. I just ignore the crap and lies and respond briefly and calmly to make arrangements. For approx 2 years she tried phoning and leaving passive aggressive messages. I would just say "I don't have time for phone conversations these days." Eventually it sank in.

When she visits I try to stay calm and let the crap wash over me. If she tries to engage me with her bullshit I will calmly say things like "But that's not true, is it, as you just said the opposite 10 minutes ago." One of her constant gripes is that her DH "won't let her" buy things she wants - what she means is instead of just saying what she wants, she's passive-aggressive and he ignores it. So I just say "Well you have your own money, so simply buy X."

She HATES this, she flounders around like mad and whines self-pityingly, but then tails off because if you just present her with the calm rational truth, the passive-aggressive technique has nothing to latch onto.

However, don't be aggressive or provocative - that tends to invite a row and tears which this kind of person thrives on.

I know I sound cruel but I have suffered her cruel remarks and judgemental nastiness for a lifetime. This approach helps me to feel like I can "stay clean" and not get sucked down into the emotional mire where she wants me.

Snottymorag I have no advise really other than why not just leave a
message and stop calling them. They will find you soon enough when they want their money for the phone.

I can't help thinking you sound very aggressive, maybe it's a relief to her when she misses your call.

God my parents do the everything you said in your OP.

Can you send a cheque in the post or pay into their account direct or on-line payment to their accounts?

Other wise stop chasing - wait till they call you.

I find my parents do eventually call and everything is forgotten .

I don't think the OP sounds aggressive at all - if she's spent her entire life coping with a P/A narcissistic mother she just sounds at the end of her tether.

I found the book Will I Ever be Good Enough? really useful. I have just gone non contact with my mum. It seems to be the only way. Stop calling, focus on your family. It is hard but it is not anything you have done, or not done.

I can relate, Morag.

And I can also relate to your feeling upset about this - your emotions being messed about with is a horrible feeling.

If this is any help, one way of dealing with it is to disengage from the issue at hand (as well as generally distance yourself, which it sounds like you're doing i.e. relying on other people more for help with childcare). So, for example, I wouldn't bother ringing more than once to tell them the phone is sold. AND I wouldn't have offered in the first place. Ebay can be a real faff, and it sounds like they have plenty of time to do it and learn how to do it themselves.

But like the other posters say, I wouldn't bother having a massive confrontation over it - it will just make you look a bit bonkers ("over a phone!"). Just don't call them. They'll get the message. And maybe start being a bit more civil to you, now they cannot rely on you to take their unpleasantness.

Wow sydlexic! I don't think ringing your parents once a day is aggressive. You comment seems abit harsh.