Sorry for long post - need some help!

[compeltelybemused]

HI,

This is my first post on here so apologies for the length of it. I am feeling extremely down at the moment and probably bordering on depressed. Lots of things are going on in my life which i will try and summaries below in a list to make it easier but i just generally feel life is too much of an effort lately.

1. I don't feel close to my husband any more and often site wondering what life would be like on my own with my 3 year old son. It seems as though it would be a lot easier without him and all his baggage and his family.

1. I am crying all the time and seem to have OCD if anything is out of place in the home (although some part of my logical brain knows i am been unreasonable). I sometimes feel really out of control and could hurt myself.

1. We have had massive issues with my husbands 16 year old daughter to another relationship who is jealous of my son (openly admitted) and has been telling lies about us and also lies about her mum. She said her dad had abandoned her and that her mum was a drinker and was out partying all the time (her mum has a very responsible job so it is a total lie). We even ended up in a local A&E as we were so concerned about her own mental health and the nurses basically saw straight through her games.

She is displaying odd behavior and i feel threatened for my son's safety. She asked to do voluntary work at my son's nursery without her dad or me knowing. Luckily, he had left the week before and i only found out through my friend who is a manager there and saw her when she popped in on maternity leave. I was scared back in January that she would attempt to take him from nursery. I am now having to write to his current school to make them aware that under no circumstances must they allow him to be taken from school by her.

I have tried to help out with her Mum and put things right, but nothing seems to work and she is now starting lies again to our in law's and saying things like, they're going on holiday (we've not even booked anything). It is like she is controlling our lives and wants us to split.

She was a major contributing factor in her mum's split from her partner recently. Her mum gave up her house and relationship for her daughter because she could not get on with her step father. She is now doing the same to me and her dad (or it would seem that way). Her mum openly admits she has made her life hell over the last 18 months.

She has also said to me that she was much closer to my husband's ex girlfriends before me (not her mum). I cant get over that as i have never ever interfered or done anything to hurt her. I have done my best to include her in my family life including all my sisters etc.

I really think this trouble has been the catalyst for my feelings now.

1. I am obsessed with how my other friends lives are and probably down to going on FB too much and thinking everyone's life is so much more perfect than my own. I hear my friends talking about having lovely houses, cars etc and think, why cant this be me. I used to be so spiritual and not so bothered about material things. now, it is really consuming my life to the point where i am stopping seeing those friends because i can not bear to be a part of their life filled with all the material possessions that i can only dream of or have failed to get in life. (i think it sounds silly when i am writing this, but when i am low, it is very real).

1. My husband and i hardly ever have sex. I sometimes think about other men (wouldn't ever cheat) and often think what it would be like with those men. I just seem to have lost all sex drive and never start something with my husband. My husband doesn't really care about his appearance anymore but i dont know how i can tell him this. I am also embarrassed when we go to social functions as he can not handle alcohol and gets drunk quickly which leads to him sluring his words, falling all over the place and becoming louder and louder. It actually repulses me.

1. We do not communicate as a couple or rarely do anything together. It is also now starting to feel like we live separate lives and don't even do family things together. He rarely does anything with our three year old. I find myself organising events with my friends like weekends away etc as i feel as though i wouldnt get out otherwise.

1. We argue about money although financially we are not too bad - few debts, but nothing out of control. We just don't seem to share ideas on how we can save for things etc.

1. I am consumed my what i think could be OCD in the house and am constantly cleaning and tidying round and get seriously depressed and distant at things not been right in the house. My husband starts jobs and never finishes them off making the house look awful.

1. I have no control over my 3 year old and he just walks all over me. I am the same with my dogs. Even the horse rules me. I just end up shouting like a banshee and it gets no where.

10. I have a professional job which is career focused. I am constantly thinking i need to do better all the time rather than been satisfied with what i have got and top stop constantly looking to what seemingly may be 'the grass is greener'.

Although i feel really down and perhaps depressed, there is still some logic in me that knows my life is not that bad compared to others but when i am at my lowest, i simply can not cope with my life. I have had suicidal thoughts a couple of times but i never do anything. I often think it would ease the pain i feel in side.

I cant share my feelings with my husband as he is emotionally scarred due to a cruel upbringing. I am not even sure whether he loves me or not. He says he does, but i think we have just totally lost our sparkle.

Basically, i am a mess. My sisters and Brother say i am not the same girl anymore, they say i look poorly and my mum is worried about me.

I love the time when i can just snuggle up in bed and forget about everything - then morning comes and i struggle to get out of bed.

I think i will have to go to the doctors because i can see me heading for a breakdown shortly and then regret so much of what has happened and particularly this precious time with my three year old.

I just dont know how i can start to put things right or get out of my relationship.

Thanks for listening.....am i been stupid?

Oh darling, you sound so down.
There are lots of lovely people here with very good advice who will be here soon, I couldn't read and leave you. Look after yourself xx

No, you're not being stupid. You be got a lot on your plate. Do you feel overwhelmed and unable yo control things?
I think a visit to your GP is a very good idea. Try to find a way to take a step back and re-prioritise/delegate these issues.Put your marriage and child first. Everything else can wait until you have a bit more strength back.

...and breathe

Firstly, you have an awful lot on your plate. Anyone would be hard pushed to not feel completely zonked.

Does your step daughter live with you? If not, does she stay over etc? You have put things in place (i.e with school) to ease your fears.

Possibly the OCD traits are there because it is something you can "control" (but really it controls you) in your current whirlwind.

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

3 is a difficult age isn't it? Boundary testing, tantrums etc. It's hard but WILL pass with clear discipline, expectations etc.

A visit to the GP could be useful.

The good thing is, the way you've wrote your post clearly dictates that you have recognised all the things that are causing you stress.

Ah couldn't read and run!

What a shit time your having!
Some one will be sling to offer great advice soon , I'm sure .
Talk to your husband and go to your GP.

Big huggs love x

It sounds like you're really down at the moment OP and struggling to see the wood for the trees. I am rubbish at advice and there are other people on here who are fantastic but I was wondering, do you have anyone in real life you can confide in? Or at least share with? A mate or family members? I was having an awful day recently, thinking a lot of the same stuff as you and sometimes we isolate ourselves but after a long chat with someone who I thought would understand it helped see a bit more clearly. Just a thought. It seems like there are a few different issues you are dealing with and they are all colliding at the same time.

No your not being stupid. You sound lonely and sad and upset. I would hazard a guess the OCD behaviour is stemming from your need to control something in your life at a time when everything is spiralling away from you and will come under control when the bigger things are addressed. I advise seeing someone to talk to, privately or through your gp. You can print off all you have written here and hand it to them to break the ice if your scared to do this. You will work it all out but you need a supportive ear and a therapist will help you so much x

Thanks for your quick messages back. It helps to get it written down and to share it. I know i have to do something before it's too late and because my son deserves it. I don't think i could talk to the GP about my intimate feelings about my relationship - again, another issue - i always pretend that i am fine and smile through it when inside, i'm in bits. Your right, the best way to sum up how i feel - exhausted.

Everyone tells me to concentrate on my marriage and my child and i know i have to do this - i just don;t know where to start, particularly when i know he wont listen to me or take my feeling serious.

My step daughter doesn't live with us and did stay quite regularly up until around January - it's stopped recently. She did have a spell when she lived with us following a break down in her relationship with her mum and i made her go back and make up with her mum.

I may look at registering with my employer as they have counselling sessions which are confidential. I just need some help. Can only share so much with sister's and my mum who is nearly 70 - don't want to worry them as they have their own issues.

I just dont want to be off work sick with stress as i am at a point in my career where things should start happening for me and i have a lot of pressure this year at work but it should pay off.

I would love just to go to a deserted island for a break to work out my plan for my life.

Is it normal to have these feelings, particularly those where i am consumed with other people?

Thank you all - sincerely appreciated.

Yes totally normal to have such feelings when so overwhelmed. The employment counselling sounds a good idea. But also a GP visit just to rule out anything medicinal ref exhaustion (i.e thyroid)

Have you access to a babysitter? It might be good to have an evening out with DH away from home where you can take a deep breath and spell it out to him. Does he do stuff around the house? Does he share parenting? Supportive of your career etc?

Shakey1500 - my hubby does do stuff around the house and does try. But sometimes he takes on projects which are way too much considering he is self employed and does work away alot. This ends up leaving the house looking a permanent building site. he refuses to get contractors in saying, he would rather do it at a fraction of the cost but it is started to affect our home life together.

We do have support from family if we want a night out -just never take them up or if we do - we end up sitting on the sofa, i end up going to bed early whilst he watches sky as were so exhausted.

He could do more parenting wise....to take the load of me. I don't think he really understands what i do for my job and the support i need. I on the other hand am continually supportive and encouraging in what he does so that he feels happy and comfortable with his work.

Some good key words coming out of this threat to sum up how i feel - overwhelmed is a good one.

I think i will print this out and take it a long to my GP or counseller at work.

Once again thank you. Off to sleep now - curl up in my comfort blanket and shut the world out for 8 hours.

How are you feeling today Completely