to say no to another child?

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DH and I are blessed with a healthy daughter at home with us who has just turned two. She is not however our first child ? we previously had twin boys but due to horrific complications we ended up losing both of them late in pregnancy. It was a horrendous time for both of us. Dh has always been keener on kids than me and was very keen to try again. The medical advice was that the problems were twin based and were unlikely to occur in a singleton pregnancy so I reluctantly agreed to try again and after a while we managed to conceive again. The pregnancy went much smoother (although very stressful) until the last two months when some of the same problems occurred and she was born 6 weeks early. Although she was small and early she had no significant complications.

Now that DD has hit 2, DH keeps bringing up the subject of having an additional child. Frankly I?m not keen. Whilst I was told the problems were a one off with the first pregnancy, the second pregnancy suggested this is not the case. After having DD I did ask the consultant when I saw him about whether they were connected but he just breezily said ?oh you?d probably be OK if you wanted another? and that was the least of my concerns at the time. DD?s pregnancy was very stressful having lost our DTSs and the thought of going through another pregnancy with a risk of something happening yet again is horrendous. And the thought of losing another baby doesn?t bear thinking about.

On the medical side I was unwell during and after both pregnancies and had two EMCS ? I?d most likely have to have a 3rd section and the risks rise. More generally there is the usual stuff ? trying to balance work, nursery, professional exams, life etc is a challenge and feels a bit of a treadmill. DD has only recently started to sleep through the night as opposed to being up 3+ times a night and I recently finished BF entirely (she has allergies so was advised to keep going for longer if I could) so I?m only now starting to feel like I?m getting my life and body back a bit and selfishly I want to be able to be me at least for a while and take up some good work opportunities that are on the horizon. However I?m 37 next birthday so not getting any younger and neither pregnancy was quick to achieve. I would also need to lose quite a bit of weight - stress and lack of sleep in the last few years with caffeine and alcohol largely unavailable has led to a serious reliance on sugar to function!

DH?s view is that there are risks but that they are worth taking for the chance for another baby who makes it home. And having our DD is marvellous I admit. So WIBU to say no?

IMO no you're not and I think I would if I were you.

YANBU If you don't want another child then you shouldn't have one, it wouldn't be fair on the child for a start.

Pressed post too soon.

I had a mc so not the same as your circumstances but I can understand why you wouldn't want to put yourself in that position. Is there any risk to you?

I'm so sorry about your twins.

Yanbu. No one make or female should be pushed into having a baby they don't want. Sorry for your loss.

Would you consider adoption?

What a traumatic experience, I would absolutely not blame you for not wanting to go through another pregnancy.

Very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss., but congratulations on your DD.

Sounds like you need a little bit of space and time without being pressured to have any more children.

Even without the terrible experience you went through, many women would like a break to get themselves 'back' before thinking about another child. Could you explain that to your husband? With the proviso that you may not change your mind, but you'll discuss it again in perhaps a year's time?

And then give yourselves time to sort out your working lives and enjoy your DD.

If it wasn't for my "poor obstetrics history" I think I could bring myself to TTC in maybe 6-12 months. But it is the risk of a stillbirth, neonatal death or prem baby with significant disabilities as a result that scares me.

I don't think I'd want to do adoption, neither would DH - he wants his own kids.

Firstly, I am so sorry about your precious twins.

I have a similar story. Two very difficult pregnancies. The first was thankfully not a problem for the baby; just myself. The complication was pretty serious and I was told 'please don't have any more pregnancies' and 'it would definitely happen again.
The second DIDN'T have the complication. At least not in the same way. I was totally fine and felt the pregnancy was going so well I dared to think I could even do it again. Then, I had to deliver my dc at 29 weeks due to placenta failure. She is 6 months now, doing well, but suffering unbearable reflux so everything is hard work! They don't know why the placenta failed, but it has been suggested that it could be down to the same reasons as the first pregnancy.

I can't get the idea of a third out my head. My DH is adamant he is done. He's found dc2 extremely difficult and tbh, I had to convince him to even have her. The drs have said there are things they can do to try and avoid the issue arising again (treat me with blood pressure meds-blood pressure was never classed as high) but I think they'd rather I didn't.

I feel very selfish and daft, but the desire is very strong. I'm hoping it lessens and I can accept what I've got iyswim.

Not really of any help. Sorry!

I'd strongly suggest you speak to a doctor (your specialist?) to discuss if there are extra things they could do. Do you think with more reassurance it may sway you? It might help make up your mind either way-if they say they could help and you still don't want to try, then least you know?
I certainly agree with wanting your body back! I don't think I could have happily wanted to ttc after just getting that feeling of having your body to yourself, especially after extended bf.

Poor you.
We also had traumas: 8 pregnancies, all with medical assistance TTC, 3 labours, 1stillbirth, 2 live biological DC (plus one adopted), 1 of whom is quite SN. I am the world's crappiest baby maker.
I suggest you think back, before all this did you want more than one or not really think about it either way? Not because this is any kind of contract with DH but because it gives you a clue as to how much of what you feel now might wear off as the trauma recedes.
(It does recede, I promise you. Unlikely as that seems now.)
Again from our experience, I'd suggest you and DH consult 2 outside sources. (1) a specialist in high risk obstetrics and genetics, and make sure you have copies of all relevant medical files when you go. Slow to get if NHS, costly if private, but you need to know. And if you do get pg again you WILL want special medical care. (2) a marriage counsellor who can help you and DH talk through the issues. Don't be offended - in my home country no one seeks counselling unless distinctly certifiable, but DH and I have found it really helpful several times. (and not helpful one time till we tried a different counsellor, BTW.)
The thing is 2 years since birth of DC is actually quite recent, but as you say, you don't have THAT much time (though call off the fire engines, at your age you do have SOME). Other thing I am sorry to tell you is that these traumas will reopen at various unexpected stages (when DC starts school, when friends get pg, when you reach menopause, etc). It helps to have someone ask you both, together, various dumb questions and remind you both that neither you nor DH is at all unreasonable.

YANBU. Your body, your choice, end of. Your husband should understand that.

PS I think part of the reason you should take this further one way or another is that the trauma doesn't really start to recede till you (and DH) feel that your family is complete. This can happen from getting more DC or from deciding firmly that you're thrilled with your outcome. But sounds like at the moment even you aren't thrilled with outcome; what you are is shell-shocked. You need to know, when you're hitting 50, that YOU chose what to do in these sh1tty circumstances, you exerted what control you could.

What harrowing experiences OP and I am so sorry for your loses. In your circumstances I would be the same as you not rushing into any decisions. I wish you the best whatever you decide and enjoy your precious, lovely lady.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situations others have had.

Maybe we should get some medical advice. But selfishly I'm a bit concerned that I we then end up under more pressure and I can see DH and I having different risk appetites in our approach. How do you agree what risks are acceptable?

I am so sorry for your loss.

I only have one child and my story is no where near as difficult as yours. I think now I'm 42 there's a regret that we didn't really think through our choices until it was too late: neither DP or I were desperate for another one, there were always small circumstances against it (house too small, work too busy, challenges with DS1). I do regret that we didn't sit down a couple of years ago and say 'right. Last chance. How do we feel?' and really explore those feelings, iyswim?

Do you think you don't want another child?
Or you don't want another pregnancy?

Because they are two different things. If it's the first one, then DH needs to back off. If it's the second then perhaps you need more time, or more support, or a way to explore your feelings? I agree with a pp who says you sound shellshocked btw. It may just be that you need time.

Have you heard about the traumatic birth association? They may be able to help you.

But if you really don't want another, then don't. Your body.

And one is just perfect too

^^ even though I regret not talking it through btw, I don't think I would have made a different decision.

Not come across the traumatic birth association, will look them up, thanks.

I think you are all right, I tell myself I'm largely recovered but I suspect I'm probably not really.

And why would you be? Recovering from these things takes as long as it takes, I think you wouldn't even expect it of yourself if you weren't also conscious of your age. ((hugs))

birth trauma assoc

When I say discuss with a specialist, I didnt mean necessarily with your DH. I haven't told mine I've 'had that talk' with 3 consultants . I think it needs to be totally for 'your ears only'.

Good luck with your decision. Your post has made me think about this a lot today.