...do I expect too much from friends and family?

[looselegs]

Having a chat with DH the other night, and we realised that we actually have very few friends!I can count on one hand the amount that we have.It upset me a bit as I always had loads of friends and was always out when I was younger-I've had 2 nights out this year!
We've come to the conclusion that we are at fault because we expect too much of people.
These are recent scenarios;
We were invited to friends for a bbq last week.My kids are 10 and 15,theirs are 6 and 10. We've known them for years.As we walked in,the 10 year old girl looked at my DD and said "I'm going upstairs to talk to my best friend on Facebook" and promptly disappeared for 25 minutes.Then she reappeared and proceeded to carry on on FB in front of my DD,completely ignoring her.After 30 mins of this DD wanted to go home.DS (15) was kicked and headbutted by the 6 year old (obviously he won't retaliate with little kids).Their mum crashed out on the sofa at 9.30pm.
AIBU to expect the 10 year old daughter to interact with my DD,and for the mum to actually stay awake as she was the so called hostess? Me and DD ended up sitting on the sofa whilst the 'hostess'slept and the 10 year old disappeared upstairs to talk to some more friends on FB.
Now, if we invite people round I would not allow my DD to disappear for ages and talk to other mates when we have guests.Nor would I fall asleep on the sofa.
Scenario 2;
we moved to our house 17 years ago.Made good friends with the neighbours who were our age.Went on hols together etc etc. We supported them through 2 lots of failed IVF and a miscarriage,he lost his job through drink driving,family troubles,etc etc.My DH lost his job 3.5 years ago-instead of being there for us they distanced themselves.To the point that,18 months ago they sold their house-without telling us-and moved-without telling us.We didn't even get a forwarding address and they'd unfriended us from FB within 24 hours.
Was it too much to expect support from them when we needed it?
DH's DB and SIL are always late.They turn up without apologies.The last time we'd booked a table in a restaurant for 6.00pm.They arrived at 7.45.We had eaten by the time they got there.They do it all the time.Yet when it's something they want to do,it's different....
I like to buy birthday presents that I know friends and family will like-yet we get clothes that don't fit or something we won't use...
I could go on...
So are we being unreasonable to expect people to treat us as we treat them?

You are not being unreasonable. At all. Sounds like you have had the most dreadful luck with friends. You also sound very nice... There will always be those that have a radar for that... Then take advantage. Sorry you have had such a bad time.

No YANBU But it seems to be the story of my life too - particularly where friends are concerned

It does sound as though you have some unreasonable friends who have been willing to take your support but give nothing in return. With your DB I would be tempted to avoid making arrangements or to tell them a time well in advance of when you want them there!!

No. YANBU. But none of this (except your scenario 2) explains why you don't have many friends. Scenario 1 are your friends, correct? Even though you had a crappy night. Scenario 3 are family and you surely should just tell them being nearly 2 hours late is not on?

Have you made friends in the school playground?

I often think I expect a lot from friends and family too. But no more than I would do/give. When it's not reciprocated, I do feel very put out and can easily blacklist people for it. I know this does me no favours long term as my social circle dwindles but I can't change who I am or the values I have.

What OldBag said. The family in scenario 2 sound appalling. Their behaviour was terrible and in no way were you asking too much. But people have very different standards.

By the way I think trying to maintain friendships on a whole family basis is bloody difficult. Expecting multiple generations and personalities to all see eye to eye is asking too much.

I think you might be putting "too much" in. I've known people who give a lot, have the piss taken out of them and then cut those people off. It can make them hard work because it makes you careful of them because they are so generous and giving but you know that there is a mark that others have overstepped at their peril. Not saying you're like this - just putting it out there for your consideration.

1. Why didn't you just go home?
2. Something else clearly going on here
3. Tell them.

I don't think YABU but am just suggesting a little perspective...

With the Bbq what time did you arrive? Was it a lunch/afternoon arrival or a 7pm arrival? The mum crashing out on the sofa might have been a hint that you were slightly overstaying your welcome. Obviously if you arrived at 7pm then she was out of order but if you'd been there all afternoon and seemed to be settling yourselves in for the evening then she had a point.

With the kids interacting - just because I'm friends with someone doesn't necessarily mean that my kids will like their kids. I read an interview with Sophie Dahl once where she talked about her grandfather Roald Dahl saying why should kids always be friends if they are the same age - it's not much of a thing to 'have in common'. If the only thing I've got in common with someone is that we're both 40, then we're probably not going to be friends. Similarly if my friends have a 7yo, it doesn't mean that my 7yo DS will like their 7yo, nor would I expect him to. I'd probably tell him to be polite to the guests and interact a bit but if he really couldn't stand their kids and was dreading their arrival I'd give him a minimum time to spend interacting with them - say, an hour, and let him go off by himself the rest of the time.

With the gifts/lateness and giving of support my motto is always 'Give unconditionally, or don't give.'. So if I support someone it doesn't place them under any obligation to support me, if I give someone an expensive gift I only give it if I want them to have it so much that I know I'll never count the cost and only smile when I think of them enjoying it. When I need support it's usually there for me - but not necessarily from the same people I was there for and that's fine. Friendship isn't a 'you spent exactly £5 on me so now I'm spending exactly £5 on you' type thing. And if you've supported someone through really traumatic times sometimes they don't want to see you again as it reminds them of the trauma. Which is fine - that's what giving is, it's not truly a gift if there are strings attached.

You do sound like a nice person, please don't think I'm having a go, these are only suggestions and I may be totally off track as I can only go on your OP.

We arrived at 5.30.Then another friend of there's popped in for a quick chat-and we ended up not even lighting the bbq until gone 8.00.She does it all the time though-even when they come to ours,she crashes out on the sofa.I think it's bloody rude.Our 2 daughters have known each other since they were small. We've been on holidays together,days out together etc.I even look after her in the school holidays. It was the way she looked at my dd and said what she said.

I like to think that I do give unconditionally-I give my time to people,support them and help them out whenever I can.But is it too much to expect people to help you in return when you really need it?Not because I've helped them out and expect the 'favour' returned,but because they are friends and I should be able to rely on them.It actually makes me feel as though we don't matter.