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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Now sat in car staring into space

56 replies

mamabrownbear · 08/09/2013 16:53

I told DH about an hour ago that I needed a break. Usually I get some time to myself when he is off work, just do I can feel normal and unwind a bit. So far that hasn't happen in the last 2 days and I've found out he is working on days he normally has off so I don't/won't get a break for over a week. I said I needed a break, just a snooze and he said "ok I just need to do this this and this" but he just seemed to he adding more and more things for him to do so I just grabbed the keys and walked out. Now sitting in car park staring into space and wondering if I'm crazy. I would our DS but I've needed a break for days, just an hour away to relax a bit would have been fine but now I'm fried and can't face the week ahead. AIBU to expect him to listen when I say I need a break?

OP posts:

candycoatedwaterdrops · 08/09/2013 18:52

Is it a full moon?

YANBU OP but perhaps be more explicit with him because he might not be really getting how fed up you are feeling.

EasyMark · 08/09/2013 18:53

OP can I join you?

I have had it today, im feed up of being the only one in the house that cares about clean clothes, plates, cups and not having to step over ruddish in the kitchen. But then if I do get five minutes I feel guilty cos "im a dramer queen" or I should "suck it up and get on with it"?

Why should we? we dont get paid for it, its not only us that make the mess. The lazy ass husband is like "Its so hard to have a break when you do nothing all day"
But as soon as I talk about leaving him with the kids its a whole different story and he is disabled and cant do that for safety reasons! or calls his mum!

Sod it everyone deserves a break of you need one.

EssexGurl · 08/09/2013 18:55

I did this once when DS was little. Colic bad, me stressed. I also just went and sat in the car park of our local country park for half an hour. Just needed to get out. Then. It did help me clear my head. Nothing wrong with you, your DP or your relationship. You just need a break.

KatyaRachmanova · 08/09/2013 18:55

People might not be getting to the end of their tether though if it wasn't seen as weak and being a drama llama to have a break. FFS.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 08/09/2013 18:56

You totally and utterly need a break and I couldn't agree more.

However I've come to realise that my dp needs a break too and even if he's been away for ages and hasn't seen or looked after the dc for that long, he still needs a break. I'm sure if he's lovely he'll be able to discuss and agree on times or situations where you can both have a break.

You have my utmost sympathy though as I could do with a break!!

recall · 08/09/2013 19:01

I didn't notice OP's husband checking on her mood before he started pissing about doing odd jobs whilst she looked after his child

It really fucks me off that we are the default setting when it comes to childcare and men seem to be able to dip in and out when they decide.

Original poster

mamabrownbear · 08/09/2013 19:02

Thanks all. Some of the comments have made me laugh. Had 30 mins snooze and much better.
I realise that there are parents in much worse situations however the "get a grip, could be worse" method of advice only goes so far. The "worse" situation could be if you don't get a break or head space whether its 5 mins or 1 hour, you may end up hurting your child. Sorry if that's drama lama but I guess we all have a responsibility to look after ourselves when a child is involved. I've explained to DH my 'signs' so hopefully next time this happens he'll be able to help. I had a friend who suffered very badly from PND. She ended her life. I don't think the "get a grip" advice would have helped her and maybe not a 30 min nap either but it's always in the back of my mind that we should never let it get so bad and asking for a break might avoid a worse situation.

OP posts:

recall · 08/09/2013 19:05

mamabrownnear you shouldn't have to ask

Cravingdairy · 08/09/2013 19:08

OP you sound at the end of your tether and I think it might be a good idea to go to your GP and chat about how you feel.

There's no weakness in asking for help.

I work FT. I get breaks. I get adult conversation. I get head space. It's nothing like the relentlessness of looking after a child. I'm sick of hearing about how amazingly important wage earners are and how SAHP need to just suck everything up. And I'm a WOHM.

Good luck OP.

swallowedAfly · 08/09/2013 19:11

for the i am a single mother and i certainly don't resent the OP struggling and needing a break ffs.

what is it with wanting to make people feel like shit rather than be empathetic?

it is bloody hard sometimes OP and if i had a partner i would expect them to be able to cope with the once in a blue moon where i said actually i just have to get away for an hour.

swallowedAfly · 08/09/2013 19:13

sorry - my post should have said for the record but i missed a word.

fuck the horrible comments on here OP - can't believe some people are so horrid.

KatyaRachmanova · 08/09/2013 19:14

Glad you're feeling better OP. It's amazing really, the difference just a short bit of peace and quiet can make.
And you're right that it's important not to let it escalate. I had baaaad PND the second time around for this reason.

Go home, chat to your husband, have a cuddle and a quiet evening.

swallowedAfly · 08/09/2013 19:15

and no a 'break' is not a luxury it's a basic fucking need for god's sake. we get them at work and if i was working whilst someone else looked after my child/ren 24/7 i'd be more than willing to give them a break when i got home because i'd know full well that they hadn't had a lunchbreak or a quick walk solo to get a coffee and some air etc all day.

NorfolkIngWay · 08/09/2013 19:17

I know several couples where the male partner has taken priority in "time off" and the women have ploughed on and on and their mental health ,marriage and children have all suffered as a result.

YANBU

swallowedAfly · 08/09/2013 19:18

let alone when the prioritised entitled male has fucked off and left her in her 40s and she has zero life whatsoever.

yellowballoons · 08/09/2013 19:19

YADNBU
Why is he working on days that he normaly has off?

yellowballoons · 08/09/2013 19:21

Perhaps what NeedaWee really needs is a break too [didnt see her post]

swallowedAfly · 08/09/2013 19:24

i am super stressed at work, have a health scare going on and am recovering from 6weeks one on one with child over summer break. i was in softplay today with my friend and her kids and talking and suddenly really felt i had to get out right then. my FRIEND had no qualms in saying go on, go, take a walk and get some air and some time. i buggered off for half an hour to clear my head and breathe whilst she stayed and watched the kids.

i'd do it for a near stranger if they looked like they needed it.

yet the OP is supposed to feel bad for leaving her kids with their other parent for a bit because she needed a break? madness.

Talkinpeace · 08/09/2013 19:24

everybody needs breaks
but you have to make them a non negotiable
when DD was 1 - after I'd nearly gone under - I joined a gym and started spending part of our tax credits on the creche
we gave up wine in the week to do it
but it saved our marriage
we did not get an evening out together for three years after having kids
but evenings in were relaxed because we had both set our boundaries clearly

PS self employed people work when there is work - any time, any notice

Sparklingbrook · 08/09/2013 19:27

I think loads of us have felt like that mama, just want to take off for an hour and have some mindspace. I know I have.

Some bizarre responses on here.

swallowedAfly · 08/09/2013 19:27

blimey if you have to pay to get a small break from your children when their other parent lives in your house i am baffled at the point of marriage.

Talkinpeace · 08/09/2013 19:31

saf because he was at work and no family live within 100 miles
it still works after 29 years ....

swallowedAfly · 08/09/2013 19:34

good for you - glad it works for you. people don't work 24/7 though. i manage work and looking after my child solo so i'd hope if i had a partner they'd manage work and doing some of the looking after the child too.

NomDeClavier · 08/09/2013 19:50

Some people are effectively on call 24/7. If paying fur a break is the only way you get one then so be it. FWIW my 'break' is work but I get to go there by myself, wee in peace, drink a hot drink while it's hot and generally not have to be instantly available or on edge in case the toddler is trying to throw themselves headfirst into the loo.

However forcing breaks or taking them when the other person is just as stressed is never productive because you spend your time seething that they were unwilling to let you have a break and they seethe that you just upped and left and they can't do that after whatever day they've had. So there is something to be said for being responsive to your partner's mood and managing your own inasmuch as you can to avoid really needing a break when you can predict that they're going to come in stressed.

When DS was younger and I was stressed out my mind I pur him in a sling and went for a walk. It didn't get me away from him but it put him to sleep and distracted me. Now I stick the TV on for 10 minutes and have a cup of chamomile tea. If DH has a crisis at work (and they tend to be life or death type crises) he can't go for a walk or distract people with TV, so avoiding being at breaking point when he comes in is only sensible in case he's at breaking point too.

Of course that's great for the future but doesn't help here and now. In this case, OP, you needed a break, you were being patient and your partner was taking the piss. Walking out was probably the only sensible thing.

Pilgit · 08/09/2013 20:39

I challenge anyone to spend a day with dd1 and not need a break by the end of it! She is fab but does not stop talking. Ever. It is exhausting. It can be highly entertaining but after a whole day where she has only stopped talking to eat a break is very necessary!

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