To expect a bit more support from DH?

[quokka1]

I'm sorry for the rant but...

I'm really upset with my HD. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with our first child & really starting to struggle with tiredness & a complete lack of energy. I have just had a long summer break but have spent the vast majority of that time sorting the house out & getting ready for our new arrival. It hasn't been a restful break. While I've been off, I've cooked most nights (when I haven't cooked, we've had takeaway, he hasn't cooked in weeks), done all the washing up (again he hasn't for weeks), done all the house work, clothes washing etc. He hasn't lifted a finger for over 6 weeks. Now I'm back at work full time, he still hasn't taken back his fair share of the house work & I can feel myself getting more & more angry with him. He will only ever help me if I make a massive issue over it & never ever does anything independently.

I had to nip out this morning for some new clothes as my pre-pregnancy clothes don't fit well now & I also did the food shop for the week while I was out. The supermarket was really busy, people kept barging past me & my back was really sore so by the time I got home, I was exhausted & about ready to cry. I could have done with his help. I get home to find the pots from dinner last night & breakfast haven't been washed, the load of washing I put in the machine before going out is still in the machine, not hung out, the washing basket is full & the cat litter tray really needs cleaning out. And my DH is nowhere to be seen, he has gone out with his brother & likely won't be back for hours.

On top of this, his father visits every day & I feel really embarrassed when he turns up & the house is a mess. My FIL is very traditional, his wife did all of the domestic stuff (and never worked) & I know he must be thinking what a terrible wife I am because our house is so untidy.

I know in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big problem but I feel really angry & upset that DH just doesn't seem to give a toss about helping me in the house. I work longer hours than he does in a much more stressful job & I've got 7 weeks left to work before my mat leave. I'm worried about how I'm going to cope if he doesn't start to pull his weight & I'm even more worried that when our baby arrives, I'll be expected to do all the house work & look after the little one (& eventually go back to working full time).

AIBU? How can I get him to help me more?

I'm sorry for the boring rant, I just needed to get everything out of my system!

It sounds like he's reverted to type. His family is one where women do everything. Now, you are pregnant and about to be a mother. He is, possibly subconsciously, assuming that this now means you will be the traditional wife and mother.

You need to knock it on the head RIGHT NOW. First, stop talking about him 'helping'. He is not helping you with housework, because it's not your job that he is assisting you with.

I would leave anything that can be left (not the laundry...). Leave the cat litter, and the washing up. When he gets back, ask him who he thought was going to do the washing, dishes and cat litter.

YANBU. Personally by the time he was home I'd have gone and checked myself into a hotel, obviously you need to talk but leave him with it all for once.

His father visits every day ! Why.

Stop doing everything. Leave the pots, pans and cat shit, possibly hang the washing out but that's it, lock the door and retire to bed. If you keep doing it he will let you carry on.

When he gets in ask him to let you know when tea is ready.

Point 1: You shouldn't be going anywhere near the litter tray. V. Dangerous for pregnant women.
Point 2: Under normal circumstances, he who cooks does not wash up. When pregnant, all clearing up and putting away is done by the other person.

As of now, wash and dry and iron your own clothes. His can be left in a nice soggy heap.
Today, take yourself off upstairs for a bath or a rest.

Tomorrow, get a takeaway, and sit down with a list of jobs he needs to do (and point out towards the end of your pregnancy and while he is on paternity leave, all jobs become his).

And arrange specific times for his father to visit. If there is even a sniff of criticism of your 'housekeeping' feel free to go postal and point out what a lazy, useless piece of crap his son is. And they should all be ashamed of themselves.

Thanks for the replies ladies, it's good to know I haven't just got too high expectations!

I hate the house being such a mess so I just do the work rather than wait for him to do it but I see I'm going to just have to leave it & hope he gets fed up when he goes to make breakfast & there's no bowls or spoons left! I don't mind doing extra housework when I'm off work but he can't expect me to work a 50 plus hour week and be a full time housewife as well.

His father visits every day because he is a retired widow & bored. He does help with the garden & uses our greenhouse to grow veggies so mostly he calls up to water the plants & do a bit of weeding. I'd like to do more in the garden but physically can't because of the pregnancy & also because once I've done the housework, I haven't got any energy left. The daily visits are becoming a bit too much (I did have a bit of a rant about it on a previous thread a few weeks ago but the general consensus was I should appreciate the help & when I'm on mat leave, take myself out & about so I'm not entertaining him every day - along with other bits of good advice. I like his dad very much & wouldn't want to upset him by asking him to back off). The fact of the matter is, if my husband took more of an interest in our home, my FIL wouldn't find any jobs to do in the garden.

I've decided I'm going to make myself an early dinner shortly, nothing for the DH & when he gets up in the morning to find his work shirt hasn't been ironed, he'll only have himself to blame!

I'm thinking about showing him this thread so he can see that it's not only me who thinks his lack of effort isn't acceptable.

Thanks again!

I'd like to do more in the garden but physically can't because of the pregnancy & also because once I've done the housework, I haven't got any energy left. Does DH know how much you are expecting from yourself? Does he expect to work until he is too exhausted to work any more? I can't believe you iron his work shirts.

However, if you do it and don't leave it, you are also to blame. Stop enabling him.

My DP is normally very good but recently, he has not been washing up when I have cooked. I left all the dishes this week. Thursday evening, he walked in from work and I said sweetly 'Could you cook tea please?' He replied 'Why should I?'

I replied 'I will have to wash a weeks worth of dishes tomorrow, so I don't see why I should cook tonight as well'. He cooked!

I am hoping it will have cured him for a while.

I think straight talking goes a long way. Tell him you are a wife, and a pregnant one at that, not a slave.

As an aside, a friend of mine always said when asked to do anything while pregnant 'Sorry, I can't, I'm busy growing a baby'. Try that!

Go and have a trawl round the relationships board - this very issue gets discussed A LOT as it is very common and there is some great advice over there. It is certainly NOT equitable (pregnant or not) that you work longer hours and do virtually all the housework. Does having a penis make him magically incapable of wielding a vacuum cleaner? or picking up his dirty pants? No it does not! I would be strongly pointing out that I am not his mother, housekeeper or maid. This kind of behaviour kills all respect and regard in a marriage - after all how is it possible to respect a man who treats his wife as if she is a combination of unpaid skivvy and mother? The relationships board has some great strategies - but the bottom line is he has to hear and understand the issue.

I don't see why you should have to go out just because you don't want your FiL to come round!

You really won't feel like doing that in the winter with a small baby! If he needs to come to the garden, tell him he's welcome to do that, but you are busy so sorry, you can't stop to chat.

If he's that hale and hearty, get him volunteering with 'old' people. There are lots of things he could do.

You definitely need to sit him down and give him a good talking to. If needs be be specific and come up with a list of tasks for you both to be responsible for etc. My DH can be a bit like this at times but now I'm pregnant he's been really helpful as he knows I've been struggling. Your DH needs to pull his bloody finger out and remember he is your partner and you are both responsible for the house. No way should you be washing up after cooking either - cheeky sod!

Have you spoken to him about this? I think you need to and also present him with a housework rota because you need to preserve your energy now. He needs to understand that you might suffer health problems if you continue what you are doing now. Some men won't help unless asked, they are not good at guessing and can't process whats in front of them. They need to betold, my dh is one of these.

Please put your foot down NOW

He needs to help

This is part of the reason xp and I seperated but we had 3dc first. I should have stamped it out when it first began!

This problem is depressingly common. And if it is bad now, wait til after maternity leave - when you will presumably have taken on a role where you do pretty much all of the housework/household related tasks during that time. So many women do this, then find that when they go back to work - often part time - then their partner STILL expects them to do it all themselves.

I actually think it is a really hard problem to fix. It's all very well telling them not to be lazy - but if your dp is in the mindset where he has never cleaned/tidied, doesn't expect to apart from under exceptional circumstances (not just as 'routine', and part of simply pulling his weight) and has to be told to do anything with you making a big issue out of it... well, you've got your work cut out.

(do men know how much this behaviour erodes respect for them? When you feel as if you are living with a large child rather than an adult male, don't they realise how much anger and contempt this creates? Do they give a fuck?)

Your best bet is - get an 'agreement in principle' that he needs to share household tasks equally. You will find out at that point if he thinks he shouldn't or is looking forward to you being on maternity leave cos he won't have to do anything what with you being at home all the time.

If he agrees, then say you will both come up with a list of things that need doing daily, weekly, monthly. Tell him he must contribute to it - not just 'whatever, you write it, then tell me'. If you do that, then he will make out you are henpecking and nagging him.

Agree a division of tasks. Try and make sure it is equal and shared. Take turns doing washing up or similar, etc.

Agree a schedule. It can be rough - 'clean floors once a week' doesn't mean it has to be done on a certain day, it can be done when it is most convenient. Use this to point out how reasonable you are being - not seeking to dictate but genuinely trying to make things as easy as possible.

Agree that he will remember to do these tasks himself rather than have you think for him. If you do that, he might well start telling you you are nagging etc. Even if he's told you to let him know.

expect back-sliding and excuses to get out of it. 'I'm busy' is often used by men to get out of something they feel they shouldn't be doing in the first place as they do not feel it is important enough to take priority. Also, beware - 'I'll do it when I've got time' is not the same as 'I'll make time to do it.'

You will have to keep your end of things up religiously. Any slacking from you will be jumped on and used as an excuse by him to stop doing anything at all.

And make sure that (maternity leave aside) you never earn less than him. When men are very reluctant sharers of household tasks, they will use their position as main earners to get out of everything. Even if they earn little more than you.

I hope future generations get this problem sorted.

Thank you so much for the excellent advice and support everyone! Reading through my original post, I sound like a right push over but usually I'm not. I'm too cross with him to broach the subject tonight, I know I'll end up falling out with him, the mood I'm in & he's so stubborn at times, he'll refuse to cooperate if I go in all guns blazing.

I'm not making excuses for him but he came straight from living at home with a mother who did everything for her husband and then grown up children to living with me, he has never had to think about domestic stuff independently. Although it doesn't sound like it, he has improved over the years but I think that because I have been so well & like my normal 'get on with it' self throughout the pregnancy, he doesn't realise that I need to be taking things a bit slower & need more support. He knows I'm upset with him about something tonight but I don't think he has quite figured it out yet, I will sit down & talk with him about tomorrow when I'm less annoyed!

Luckily I have always earned more than him & if I stay in the profession I'm currently in, I'm always likely to. I think sometimes this is an issue for him, though he has never directly said so. I get the impression he'd love for me to be a SAHM like his mum was but there's no way we could afford it. What he has got to realise though is that he can't expect me to do a full time stressful job on top of keeping the house running & bringing up our child (when she arrives!) Things are definitely going to change in this household!

Once again, thank you for the advice & support!

If he doesn't change, divorce him. It's very bad for you to live with a man who considers that you are his servant and his inferior.

Point out to him that you working full time, doing 100% of the housework and 100% of childcare (once baby has arrived) means that far from being an asset to your marriage he is, in fact, a liability. After all if he wasn't there there would be less work for you to do.