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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pretend to be poorly to make DH do the housework?

28 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 11:32

I will just set the scene : I have a wonderful husband whose only shortcoming is his lack of awareness as of the need to do housework. I tend to do about 75% of the normal duties, sorting the washing out, dusting, general tidying, washing up, cleaning the kitchen floor etc. He will do things if I nag him but generally he is pretty poor!

I'm currently pregnant and since Thursday morning I have been really ill in bed with severe D&V - he knows how poorly I have been as he has had to scoop me off the bathroom floor many times and put me back in bed whilst I'm crying about how ill I feel. I have actually been off work all week with pregnancy related issues.

This morning is the first time I have felt well and I went downstairs (hubby is playing sport) and the kitchen is an absolute SHIT HOLE! There is still all the cutlery on the draining board from when I washed up on Wednesday before the sickness started which he has just left. He hasn't done any washing up in 4 days and the units are covered in dirty glasses, mugs, plates, frying pans, cutlery....just everything. I couldn't even have breakfast this morning because there is nothing clean. There are clothes hanging off the clothes horse, which are the same clothes from the washing I did on Wednesday - he wouldn't even think to put those away! I'm feeling seriously annoyed! He hasn't even been feeding the cats unless I've specifically told him too! The washing basket is overflowing but would he think to put any washing on??

I know if I get up and he comes home and sees me pottering around the house I will get dragged into Operation Tidy-Up when really I'm thinking, 'Why the hell should I??" It is an horrendous mess that is just sitting there because be couldn't be arsed to do clean so why should I be expected to do it for him after having been ill for so long?

I mentioned the kitchen to him yesterday (knowing that cleaning isn't one of his strong points) and he said, "there is a little bit of washing up to be done, I'll do it tomorrow...."

As a result, I'm thinking of just staying in bed, telling him I still feel really poorly and then smile smugly when I hear him cleaning the kitchen!!

OP posts:

Morgause · 08/09/2013 11:37

Stay in bed. The mess has made you feel ill, so it isn't a lie.

WorraLiberty · 08/09/2013 11:37

No don't pretend to be ill

Just call him out on being an utterly lazy bastard and tell him it's not up to you to sort out.

I could never do that to someone I care about, let alone actually love.

What's his excuse for doing this to you?

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 11:40

He doesn't have an excuse because he doesn't see it as wrong He is just very laid back about these things and doesn't see why things can't just be done when they really need doing - I.e when there is no clean cutlery left

I have always known what's he like so I made my bed - but this time I'm not giving in!

Strangely enough, he really objects to using the dishwasher?

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 08/09/2013 11:41

Jesus, I would not pretend to be ill, I would be showing my righteous anger at his appalling lack of basic care for the house. If I were you I would bugger off somewhere for lunch with the paper, leaving him a pointedly worded note to sort his shit out.

Glad you are feeling better, being ill when pg really sucks.

MortifiedAdams · 08/09/2013 11:42

Just say "fuck me, has a bomb hit?!" and go back to bed.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 11:42

That sounds like a brilliant idea Humphrey! I actually haven't seen my mom for a while, I might go and visit her

OP posts:

Tailz · 08/09/2013 11:44

This is one of the reasons that I'm happy I'm single and divorced from exH. Of course he had good points but I honestly find it selfish that an adult cannot clear up after themselves or do their fair share of house work. It's pathetic and v selfish. I couldn't spend the next 50 years with someone who deliberately chose to ignore many everyday household jobs.

Why on earth can't he fold up the clothes, feed the cat and clean up after a meal has been made?

I'm not even going to mention the fact that you've been ill and pregnant (other than to say, I'm glad you feel better and congrats) because surely he should do his fair share regardless of how you're feeling otherwise he will only do it during those times.

Sorry - I've ranted but I genuinely do hope you rest up and feel 'normal' again soon.

Shellywelly1973 · 08/09/2013 11:44

You need to make him aware that he has to pull his weight. He wont improve unless you make him- why should he? its of no consquence to him.

You will bw posting in a few months time when you've got a new baby & the house is a shit hole & your dh is off playing sports.

It took bloody years for me to realise my Dp doesn't give a shit about the house. Never has, never will so i tell him, very clearly to move his arse!

Deal with this now- it will only get worse!!

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 11:44

Lol mortified - I might invite his mum and dad round to see the extent of it. They are always on at him about how he needs to do his fair share around the house It can't be a coincidence that the one time I'm holed up in bed for 3 days is the same time the house is absolutely disgusting!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 11:46

Thanks Taliz and Shelley - you are both right! The housework is the only thing we argue about, and we have had some right fights in the past, verbal ones obviously! I need to stop hiding in my bed and instead get up, leisurely watch TV and then put my foot down when he gets home!!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 08/09/2013 11:48

And you're having a baby with him?

Wonderstuff · 08/09/2013 11:50

I would be having a big talk, lists would be written. Then I'd be tempted to go out while he sorted it all out. Don't pretend to be I'll, get cross and stop doing 75%

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 11:51

Yes, lol - bar his relaxed attitude to housework he's brilliant
He does lots of other stuff around the house, he has recently painted/decorated 3 bedrooms and a bathroom, he does all the DIY and the gardening etc, it is just daily chores he seems to think don't need doing as often as they do

I think that he needs preparing for when the baby arrives, lol - if he thinks me being out of sorts for 3 days is bad, he needs to know to expect me to be good for nothing for weeks after the birth

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 08/09/2013 11:52

The easy answer is to get a cleaner if you can afford it. If you can't then pretend to be ill. Of course YABU but sometimes it's wise to be unreasonable. For an easier life.

struggling100 · 08/09/2013 11:59

I think there are 2 separate issues here, and it may help to separate them out

Are you being unreasonable thinking that your DH's attitude to the housework isn't on?
How should you react to the mess in a way that gets him to pull his weight.

Personally, I think the answer to (1) is emphatically - NO, you are not being unreasonable! It is a LOT of work looking after someone who is sick, precisely because you have to do all the housework yourself. If he's not doing it, he's not really looking after you, is he? It's not really OK to leave everything for someone to do when they're feeling better.

The answer to (2) is more complex. I don't think pretending to be ill is the longterm answer. It might work this time, but it doesn't really solve things in the long run. You say that you're doing 75% of the work on a regular basis, and if you both work equal hours that's not really fair or equitable is it?

The promising thing is that your DH sounds like he's a sweet guy who will hate to see you upset - he's just a bit clueless about practical stuff. (Why don't mothers TEACH their sons this stuff?) When you are feeling a bit better, I would sit him down and explain to him that you are upset at the state of the house, and that you can't go on shouldering the burden all by yourself. Get some scary videos off Youtube about the illnesses you can get from dirt in the house, and show them to him, and ask him whether he wants his children exposed to that.

You could then suggest that you sit down together and make a list of all the weekly and monthly jobs that need doing, and the time they take. Then divide them 50/50. Be prepared to be reasonable in the discussion - he's clearly more laid back in his attitude towards mess and dirt than you are, so there may be jobs that he doesn't think are necessary and you do. Give a little on those! The main thing is to get the 70% of jobs listed where it is unsanitary or causes chaos if they are not done (e.g. washing, washing up, grocery shopping, cooking, basic cleaning, hoovering). You can then divide them up fairly between you.

Then decide when you're going to do these things. Think about whether you could both get up 30 minutes earlier to get a bit done before work. Consider devoting an evening a week to working together to ensure that hoovering and cleaning are done. Think about cooking larger meals when you have time at the weekend, and popping some in the freezer for a quick meal in the week. Also, think a bit laterally. Are there places where you could get some help - a cleaner? A robot hoover? A dishwasher? A power mop? Better storage? (sometimes things can get untidy because there simply isn't anywhere to put them!)

Good luck, and I really hope you feel better soon.

enormouse · 08/09/2013 12:02

writer are you me? I could have written this.
Like your DP mine is lovely, thoughtful, great dad to DS1. Just completely blind when it comes to household jobs. I'm 20wks pg with DS 2 and have been unable to keep up with keeping the place as clean as I'd like it to be. Like you I came downstairs after 3 days in bed with the flu and was completely stunned by the state of my poor kitchen
I got his mum and dad onside and since then it's improved (to a degree).

enormouse · 08/09/2013 12:05

Great post from struggling btw.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 12:06

Thats really good advice struggling thank you. I will definitely take that on board.

Congratulations on your pregnancy enormouse - it must be difficult carrying the burden of housework whilst being pregnant and having a child already! I'm glad it has improved a little x

OP posts:

Misspixietrix · 08/09/2013 12:10

I agree with WorraLiberty OP. Stay in Bed and I would ne having words later. Its incredibly unfair on you IMO ~

Misspixietrix · 08/09/2013 12:11

*Be.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 12:14

Well I have made arrangements to go out for lunch with 3 of my friends and have sent hubby the following text: "Hi darling, As there are no clean plates or cutlery I'm going out for lunch so I will see you later babe. Hope you won! x"

I wanted to keep it airy and light hearted whilst still making my point!

The last thing I want to do is really piss him off if I'm going to have 'The Talk' with him later

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 08/09/2013 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 08/09/2013 12:20

The promising thing is that your DH sounds like he's a sweet guy who will hate to see you upset - he's just a bit clueless about practical stuff. (Why don't mothers TEACH their sons this stuff?)

Why assume that his Mother didn't teach him about basic hygiene?

And why do you feel it's a Mother's job, rather than a Father's job?

This is not about 'being a bit clueless about practical stuff'', it's about not giving a shit that the OP has to do it all because he hasn't done it.

No adult has to be taught to wash the things you eat and cook from, or to wash the clothes we wear.

It's basic human survival.

Misspixietrix · 08/09/2013 12:21

Good for you OP. If he wants something to eat he Well have to wash up! Enjoy your meal out

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 12:23

Miss - he will probably just re-use the dirty frying pan

I'm probably being a bit optimistic in meeting up with my friends for a meal seeing as I haven't been able to keep anything down for 3 days, lol, but I'm prepared to give it a go just to make a point Nobody knows about my pregnancy yet and I'm not sure I want to give the game away by puking into their laps

OP posts:

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