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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find myself very wary of making new friends following experience with someone?

40 replies

japonicabumsplatt · 08/09/2013 08:48

We have moved to a new city (new country too). DD2 (6) is starting her new school next week and I am hoping quite hard that I don't have to meet with too many if any of the mums. Usually I would be keen to chat and make some friends but the last 4 years with a certain someone have left me wary and distrustful of people.
She has in honesty sucked the capacity for this out of me. I am now looking at folk with a very wary eye wondering "are you going to be an emotional leech too? Will you drag me into your endless dramas? You know what? Easier if I don't find out".
Anyone else had this? Am I unreasonable

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 08/09/2013 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claudedebussy · 08/09/2013 08:54

i had an awful experience 2 years ago and i'm just coming out the other side. affected my friendships for years.

give it time. you will feel better.

Inclusionist · 08/09/2013 08:57

I don't want any new friends atm. I do look at people and think 'are you going to suck me in, use me, and then systematically try to discredit me and make me out to be a twisted bully?'

I have broken my own rule for somebody really lovely but I am much, much more wary than I was before her .

wonderingsoul · 08/09/2013 08:58

not every one is the same, but i to would be weary.

how about trying to go with a mind set of "im not here to make friends, but i will be polite, smile and say hi" and just see where that gets you.

you dont have to be boosom buddys wi th them, but it is nice to be able to say hi to some one,

WinkyWinkola · 08/09/2013 09:02

Could you recognise the signs this time around and take a big step back when the red flags start waving?

It's a real shame to feel like you can't invest in new friendships.

BeanandGone · 08/09/2013 09:12

God, how sad you feel like this. It's horrible getting burned but it really is a minority of people that are 'bad-uns'

Perhaps work on getting to know people and having acquaintances and let friendships develop naturally?

Original poster

japonicabumsplatt · 08/09/2013 09:34

Thanks all. The red flags were there alright, but at the time wasn't really able to identify them. Both of us new mums and so on. we had quite a bit in common, then the drama started and "of course you can do ....." whatever it was. So, if I see it coming next time, it might well be a mile off.
Smile and say hi is a good idea, pass the time of day. It really does make me sad because this jaded view of people is hindering me

OP posts:

gnittinggnome · 08/09/2013 10:22

I met some completely strange people when I was an expat wife overseas, and it took some time for my instincts to recognise the signs and prompt me to back away, slowly, then run like hell.

But, never say never. You may meet someone who you instantly click with, or who is brilliant company, and you should feel you can enjoy time spent with that person, but I agree, always give it some time to develop before you plunge in.

Going out with the intention of not making friends will just make you feel sad and lonely, in my experience, so being somewhat open to/with new people would be a good start. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Samnella · 08/09/2013 10:26

YANBU to be wary but maybe you could use your experience to approach new people with more diligence but not completely write them off. Give people a chance but stay on your guard as it were. I think most folk are good TBH and it seems to let this person have this control.

whois · 08/09/2013 10:50

This is why I have no friends. People are unreliable sods

Wow. That's a seriously depressing view / way of life.

TwoMuchTwoYoung · 08/09/2013 11:13

That sounds like a miserable way of life.
This person is still having a negative effect on the way you live even though she is no longer in your life.
It's very narrow minded of you to judge everyone in the same way.

carlywurly · 08/09/2013 11:19

Yabu, and I say that gently. There are some wonderful people put there. I would hate to be without my friends, they totally enrich my work and home life.
Try and give people a chance without being defensive. Easier said than done, I know, but totally worth the investment.

Lilacroses · 08/09/2013 11:29

I've had a really difficult couple of years like that too op and totally understand how you feel. I went from being happy go lucky and friendly with everyone, never had serious problems to having a catastrophic falling out in which people took sides and stopped speaking to me. It was horribly stressful. However, I now realise that the experience made me a bit paranoid and that there were actually lots of lovely people out there who were not judging me at all. I am getting back to feeling like myself again but am defintely more wary.

EeTraceyluv · 08/09/2013 11:37

I will never get close to anyone again after a hideous experience with someone who used me as their 'best friend', exhausted me emotionally, demanded I pretty much put my life on hold for two years to help them out with constant crises, then dropped me like a hot potato when I was at the bottom.. Sad, but they ruined all my potential trust in anyone. I have made new friends but am horribly wary all the time :(

TheCalvert · 08/09/2013 12:18

No body needs to be friends with people who make them feel bad about themselves.
Friends are like shoes, you need them to fit and be comfortable with them, you'll have them for a long time if they are right.

scarletforya · 08/09/2013 12:33

Yanbu.

I have a policy of not making any new friends, the last one I made was a needy nightmare who just endlessly talked about herself and her self imposed dramas. I've attracted too many of those over the years!

I find in the main people are more drains than anything else. I need space and alone time to function!

QuintessentialOldDear · 08/09/2013 12:36

You have a choice you know. You dont have to let yourself be sucked into other peoples drama. Just be nice and friendly.

scarletforya · 08/09/2013 13:04

I'm always pleasant and chatty to people but there is where I draw the line!

No clingons!

Biscuitsareme · 08/09/2013 13:22

YANBU to be wary but like other posters have said, being generally pleasant may put you into contact with eg a group (not clique!) of nice parents for the occasional coffee/ joint trip to playgrounds with the kids after school etc. Maybe leave the door ajar for those no-strings-attached invites that would enrich your and your kids' lives without draining you?

Good luck! It isn't easy to recover from a traumatic 'friendship' is it?

googlyeyes · 08/09/2013 13:23

My best friend dropped me and broke off all contact v shortly after my son (her godson) was diagnosed with autism. Oh and I was newly pregnant too.

It was a savage act of cruelty and one I'm not sure I'll ever completely recover from. Essentially I can't trust myself and my judgment now, let alone anyone else. I thought i knew her inside out and would have sworn she was the last person on earth who could ever do something like that.

Now when I meet new people who want to take things a but further and meet for coffee or whatever I feel like giving them the spiel 'it's not you, it's me. I have trust issues!'

I would rather have no friends at all than ever go through that pain again

perplexedpirate · 08/09/2013 13:25

I made only one 'mum friend' after having DS. She turned out to be an absolute loon and I ended up being almost stalked by her. I was horrible.
I avoided school gate friends ever since. Once bitten, twice shy.
You have my sympathies OP.

perplexedpirate · 08/09/2013 13:26

*it was horrible.
I wasn't horrible, I was nice!

TrueStory · 08/09/2013 13:27

Is it possible it will make you (a) have clearer abilities to choose next time and (b) have better boundaries ?

Maybe give yourself some time to heal first?

badguider · 08/09/2013 13:38

You can enjoy meeting the mums at the new school and being friendly with them without opening up to the prospect of a deep friendship if you're not in a good place for that right now.
Personally I am a very chatty and friendly person at one level and happy to socialise widely. But I don't form deep attachments easily - my closest friends I've usually known for 15-20yrs even if I don't see them often.

redexpat · 08/09/2013 13:42

Proceed with caution. There are lovely people out there, honestly.

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