To want DD's life not to keep being hijacked?

[Notsoyummymummy1]

My dd is 18 months and my dh's sister has a dd just two months older. I know I am supposed to see it as a good thing that DD has a cousin of a similar age but it never feels that way. My MIL looks after DD's cousin while SIL is at work but as I'm a SAHM she's never called upon to look after DD. Consequently MIL seems closer to the cousin and compares DD to her all the time and always remarks on how shy DD is compared to her cousin. It's true but DD is only shy and uncomfortable around DH's family - with my family she's loud and funny!

Whenever I arrange to do something with DD, DH and MIL insist that SIL and DD's cousin are invited. Consequently what could be a fun day out gets hijacked and DD is not herself around them - she always looks happier and far more relaxed when they've gone.

Last week I finally managed to get DD into a toddler dancing class, it's a very popular class but I knew she'd love it because she loves music and dancing so much, she's always dancing to anything. DD had a great time and really came out of her shell - I think this could turn out to be her "thing". Except now MIL has told SIL and they're talking about coming now. I can't help feeling annoyed and worried this is going to spoil it for DD. DH says I'm being unreasonable but I just know they will hijack it and the girls will be compared even more. I just wanted something DD could call her own, away from her cousin, but it feels like whatever she does is going to be hijacked by them and I am annoyed about this in particular as this is something she has really taken to and it would be awful if it was ruined.

YANBU

You need to firmly tell your DH that you want to do things without MIL and cousin sometimes.

'I think this could turn out to be her "thing" '

That's a bit mad though. She's 18 months old! How many 'things' has she tried?! Don't put her into a box yet.

If you do that you may as well just tell them outright you don't like the way they compare your DD.

What is it they're doing exactly that you think is making your DD behave differently, as she can't understand them making the comparison between her and her cousin.

I thought maybe it's just normal shyness, but that wouldn't last all day.

And I can't help but wonder if you're interpreting how she is as being uncomfortable because they're making you feel uncomfortable. You don't say anywhere that your DD's coming off worse in the comparison.

You MIL is just talking about her GC, it's unfortunate she's talking about them like this, but she hasn't actually done anything more than want them to be close.

YABU, but could your DD spend more time with your MIL to get to know her better? You being at home doesn't mean they can't do that does it?

I feel for you at the forced interaction but do wonder if your dds reaction is more down to you and your feelings than hers. Also saying you thing singing and dancing may be her thing at 18myths IS a bit bonkers and if you have used this reasoning to your dp probably does not help his perception of this problem.

Think you are being somewhat over the too about this and assigning your feelings to your dd.

Agree with other posters re silliness of 'its her thing' comment. Not sure why an 18 month old is doing any classes tbh.

Sounds like you need to relax.

Over the top not the too

I can understand this. My dd and her cousin are 18m apart but my MIL has looked after cousin the majority if her free time. Their now 4 and 6 and sunsequently all MIL ever talks about with my dd is everything her older cousin is doing. They're continually compared and my dd doesnt get to do the things cousin does like shopping trips, sleepovers etc. my DH has repeadedly brought it up and said its unfair and not acceptable. We make conscious efforts to invite MIL to events in our town etc that we'd go to as a family and without fail she'll turn up and say to dd "ive got a surprise for you, cousin is in the car!"

The thing is my MIL sees the cousin like a daughter and trying to stop her doing it is like battling with an uber competitive parent. Im not bothered at how involved she is with sil's dd its just that my dd languishes in her shadow and its gone on for years. My only advice is to enforce that you want your dd to enjoy that level of relationship with her grandmother and that comes from decent 1:1 time with her.

I feel for you too, similar stuff is happening to some degree with my DCs and their cousins, who MIL looks after quite a lot.

Mine are a bit older and about two years ago I stopped telling MIL/DH's siblings about our plans for days out, etc. It's not as if the invitations to join us for days out etc were ever reciprocated. I think we are all happier now we let the cousins see each other once or twice a month for a play, but otherwise not.

Thank you Poppywearer for your understanding, it is so comforting to know I'm not the only one with these feelings. Thedoctorswife46 your reply helped a lot in fact your post is exactly how things are for me except you've worded it a lot better!!! I agree that she needs more one on one time but every time I arrange this she finds a way to incorporate the cousin just as you said.

In response to the other posts - we are genuinely confused about why DD is so quiet when MIL and/or the cousin are about. I hope to goodness it's not me who is causing it - I try everything I can think of to encourage a closer relationship, I invite MIL over as much as possible and when she arrives I enthusiastically shout "it's Grandma!" and encourage her to interact but she just freezes up. I feel bad for MIL but at the same time she doesn't try to play with her or muck around with her like my parents do and when the cousin is there she is ignored!!

I realise with my original post that I sound like one of those pushy mums but I promise I'm not. I was forced into leotard hell when I was little and I wouldn't ever do that to her! It's not really a class as such it's more mucking about to music but she just lets herself go and lights up when the music starts, she just loves going! I don't know or care if she will always love to dance but while she does I'd like to give her that outlet where she can have fun and mess around and mix with other children. I've asked MIL to come along in the hope of her interacting with DD and that's when she decided to invite the cousin along. I know I can't dictate what everyone does I'm just envisioning her going from enjoying herself to being uncomfortable again and instead of having something for herself it's become another family gathering!!! I know it doesn't matter right now but I can see this happening again and again in the future and I guess that's what I'm actually more concerned about.

I would keep quiet about stuff in the future. If you do t want them joining in. It would be good you you to, to do things and meet other people without the others.

When you have a child and someone with a child of the same age tells you about something they have done, it's normal to think you might have a go too.

Would this be happening whilst SIL is at work?

Perhaps MIL is looking to occupy her other GD?

I can sort of see why you are annoyed-but why does your husband keep insisting that you invite SIL & her daughter when you do stuff?

Do you & your daughter socialise much-does he think that he's being helpful in organising company for you both?

To be fair, it sounds like you invited MIL to come along to the classes to 'prove' that your daughter is as outgoing as her cousin by seeing her in an environment where you feel she thrives. By doing that, you have kind of bought in to her way of thinking and that's not healthy for you or your daughter and has now led to this annoying situation which you were ostensibly trying to avoid. I think you need to stop worrying about how your daughter comes across to her grandparents and stop trying to orchestrate situations where your MIL will see her 'at her best' and just get on with doing whatever you want to do without giving a second thought to anyone else.

Thanks Dojo I think on some occasions I have been guilty of that because I get tired of her being constantly labelled "the quiet one" especially when she isn't but I promise that on this occasion it wasn't the case, it was DH who originally urged me and I agreed, motivated by guilt that I maybe wasn't doing enough to help them bond, but I see where you are coming from and need to be conscious of it in future. I would love to get on with things and not have to keep having them involved trust me!

Oh yes, we have this too, in our case though it's my boys' younger cousin. MIL is far more involved with him as they live near, we are 100s of miles away, and she has looked after him a lot (every Saturday a sleepover since he was 4 weeks old, plus 3 days a week).

When we go and stay, which is only twice a year, cousin still comes for his Saturday sleepover. When we go out, he comes too. When we booked a weekend in London for son 1's birthday treat, MIL and cousin turn up (just for the day, but still).

It's clear that he's the favourite, but it was bound to work out that way really, given the distance involved. And my children have their other grandparents (my mum and dad) who live near us and don't have other grandchildren to do the doting bit. So I don't mind really.

I like to think I won't play favourites when/if I'm a granny.

Maybe you should be a little more circumspect with what you disclose to MIL around DD's activities?

oddly enough my mother would have described me as a child in the same way as your DD - I have a cousin of similar age and a grandmother delighted in comparing us, usually to my detriment (my cousin was doing performance arts from a young age and very girly/cute while I was an athletic tomboy type) She made a point of separating me from the situation as she said she could see me getting shyer and more withdrawn when I was with them. I have no real memories of this time but think I probably benefited from being allowed to develop in my own way/at my own pace without the constant comparison. I should add that my cousin and I are good friends who are both very successful in our chosen fields and endeavours.
Put some distance between them they both need time to shine

My dd and her cousin are 9 months apart and aged 8 are each others best friends in the world . I would say be careful how you handle this because this could be a really positive relationship for your dd and her cousin. My dd is far closer to her grandmother based purely on proximity so I am glad my SIL has not been upset by that. Your daughter is a delightful child in her own right you do not need to participate in this competition you know she is wonderful so just blow her trumpet if you feel she is being undersold by her grandmother and make no apologies for it.

Thank you, you have all made really helpful brilliant points - am so glad I posted now xxxx