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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My dad is such an arsehole. I need to vent.

22 replies

MarmaladeTwatkins · 07/09/2013 23:48

I don't even mind if no-one answers. I just need to write all of this down.

My mum and dad split up in 1984, when I was 4. He was a good dad until we had a massive row when I was 15 and we didn't talk for 6 months. We have had a strained relationship since, which I thought at one point (when I had DS) was getting better.

Fast forward to now and he constantly lets me down, never calls us, never asks after his only grandchild. He excludes me from lots of things and he has left me feeling very hurt over various things over the last 2 or so years. I actually stopped contact (the little that I had) with him in May/June after he promised he would call around the day before DS's birthday to drop gifts/go out for tea and he let us down at the last minute and left DS in tears. However, he apologised and I accepted and I think that this is because we were due at the same wedding around that time so he felt he had to clear any air before then At the wedding he said to me "Don't ever feel like we don't have time for you." then in the next breath "But ring in advance if you want to see us" :( That was June 22.

He rang me at the end of July to mention that he was having a party tonight to celebrate 40 years of the family business. He asked me and DH to go (no mention of DS, didn't even ask how he was) and he hasn't rang me since. So I haven't gone. I said to my mum earlier that I doubt he's even noticed we're not there and she said oh he will but he hasn't. No call or text to ask where I am. I could have had an accident on the way for all he knows. I am seriously wanting to cut him from my life. I've missed chinks out so it probably all slunds very petty but he has been very hurtful and a shit dad.

He hasn't rang to ask how DS is getting on at school after his first week back or anything. He is a self-absorbed shithead.

OP posts:

BOF · 07/09/2013 23:54

Yes, he does sound self-absorbed. But as a relative stranger to your son, he probably just doesn't feel a connection. Sorry you are upset though .

FWIW, my grandad was the same, but my mum sheltered us from it and I adored him. I hadn't realised quite how detached he was, because she never let me see it. I was with him when he died, unlike the adored grandchildren of his second wife. Actually, I think my singing to him probably finished him off .

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 07/09/2013 23:59

"Yes, he does sound self-absorbed. But as a relative stranger to your son, he probably just doesn't feel a connection."

Well he bloody well ought to. My boy is brilliant. It hurts that he doesn't seem to care less about him. :(

Sorry about your grandad, Boffy. xx

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 08/09/2013 00:05

You're setting yourself up to be disappointed by him repeatedly (to give him One Last Chance? to keep hurting yourself on purpose?).

You want a relationship with him he's just not able to deliver.

You want to be close to him (understandably), but, for whatever reason, you're mismatched with what he sees as your relationship.

The deciding factor for cutting contact to me is that his behaviour is affecting your DS, you really don't want him to suffer the same rejection you're finding difficult to deal with.

I know what you want him to be, but you have to accept you're not going to get it from this man.

BOF · 08/09/2013 00:06

People are really stupid beyond belief though. As a mumsnet regular, you should know this! It's really his loss and his inadequacy.

Don't feel sorry about my grandad, btw, I really was sheltered from it. I still loved him, and felt loved, thanks to my mum. I think he gave as much as he could.

AgentZigzag · 08/09/2013 00:06

Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound so bossy

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 08/09/2013 00:07

What you have just said is pretty much what I said to my mum earlier today, ZigZag.

At least if I disengage, I won't be thinking "It's been 6/7/8/9 weeks since he last got in contact" I can just stop that way of thinking if I know it's never going to happen.

OP posts:

BOF · 08/09/2013 00:13

. It is still a lovely memory to me, no matter what.

AgentZigzag · 08/09/2013 00:13

I've had a similar situation when I found it was anything but the unconditional love I thought it should be/was.

I keep the sentimental part of me tightly under wraps because of it, especially difficult when you see that other people have got what you desperately want/need.

Have you been contacting him in the 2 years?

And have you been using the length of time between him contacting you as a measure of how much he's thinking about you? Because that's not really a reliable way of finding out how much you mean to him.

BOF · 08/09/2013 00:14

Sorry, is this thread not all about me?

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 08/09/2013 00:18

Awww Boffy. That is a nice song. I was imagining that you probably sang Let's get Ready to Rhumble by Ant 'n' Dec, because you are such an atrocious cunt.

I've stepped back on the contact tbh. There's only so many times you can tolerate the awkward silences/total disinterest before you stop trying.

It's not just the lack of contact but other things that have made me feel excluded.

It's just very hard because if I cut him out, I have to admit to myself that he just doesn't care, instead of continuing this facade of a difficult relationship, but a relationship nontheless.

OP posts:

BOF · 08/09/2013 00:23

I just love you. Anyone who doesn't is deluded.

AgentZigzag · 08/09/2013 00:25

Does a part of you think he does genuinely care but can't show it?

Would admitting he actually doesn't hurt more than the constant suspicion that he doesn't, especially when he keeps proving that suspicion right time and again.

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 08/09/2013 00:29

That makes me feel better, Boffy. Sort of.

I don't even know him well enough to answer that question, ZigZag. Even when I do have contact with him, he shows scant interest in us. I have to volunteer information... "DS can ride a bike now. I am learning to drive etc" and even then he can't muster any enthusiasm/interest.

I am swayed towards 'doesn't care'.

OP posts:

Celadorthepinksequineddragon · 08/09/2013 00:46

Sorry to hear that MarmaladeTwatkins. My DF prioritises his new family over me; I have no solutions but wanted to say that I understand.

I accepted a long time ago that my relationship with him will never be how I would like it to be, and that I can never fully rely on him. I feel a lot better for letting it go and concentrating on my family - it drove me nuts for a while though.

SunshineSuperNova · 08/09/2013 00:49

I'm sorry Marmalade. I used to test my DF by not calling him, to see if he'd call me first. It got to 2 years, twice.

cerealqueen · 08/09/2013 00:55

I agree with BOF on this one, most of my family are like this - Dsis sees DDs twice a year and she only lives three miles away, but by being so rare a visitor, becomes mysterious and exciting!

Keep on making the effort, so in years to come when DS asks what happened to DGP, you know you did your bit and can say so. It is his loss. We have no parents so aunts and uncles are important. My D Cousisn has her nieces over to stay, they love her to bits. My DSis doesn't see what she could have (she has no kids herself) and what love is there to be had. .

VaultFullOfTwizzlers · 08/09/2013 01:20

SunshineSuperNova what an utter twat. Two birthdays missed. WTF?

My XH has an enabling mother who sends things and DD was embarrassed when she phoned to thank them for the won in a raffle presents which turned up a few days before her birthday to be asked if she had a lovely day by both of the fuckers. She was gutted that they didn't know that her birthday hadn't happened yet.

VaultFullOfTwizzlers · 08/09/2013 01:57

OP, your Dad is an utter wanker who doesn't know what he is missing r.e you and your DS.

He will regret this one day but in the meantime is IS hurtful.

Bugsylugs · 08/09/2013 20:00

Sorry you are feeling so hurt. I take it you have not phoned him since July?
He probably won't say anything if he has noticed and hurt as well why would he?

4athomeand1cooking · 08/09/2013 20:34

We have recently ended contact with mil and Fil for something similar.

This was after a long time of trying to talk and being ignored and it was emotionally draining.

Sometimes choosing to cut someone from aspects of your life is not down to the fact that you do not care - but because you come to the realisation that they don't.

Original poster

MarmaladeTwatkins · 09/09/2013 19:04

4athome, no. Not spoken since July.

He hasn't even called to ask where I was on saturday. :(

OP posts:

Icedink · 09/09/2013 19:43

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, I know from experience how hurtful it is

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