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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go on MIL's birthday day out?

51 replies

HolaGuapo · 07/09/2013 12:48

It's DP's mums birthday today. We're in the process of moving in together, we got our keys today so he's been moving everything in. I couldn't get the day off work so he's been doing it with his parents and my family.
I won't finish work till 6 and won't get home till 7, I've worked a 46 hour week and I'm 19 weeks pregnant. I'm exhausted.
His mum wants to go to the seaside tomorrow for her birthday. This will involve a 4 hour round trip and me being sat in the back squashed between DP and his sister. He won't take us in his own car as he doesn't want to pay the petrol money. I'm so uncomfortable sat down for a long period of time and I just want to spend my only day off this week sorting our new apartment out and unpacking everything. I don't want to spend it in a car for 4 hours and then having to listen to his mum and sister talk incessantly about the baby all day. AIBU to stay at home? He says I'm being rude and ungrateful.

OP posts:

maras2 · 07/09/2013 13:53

Whether you go or not,the fact that he won't give you a lift and accuses you of being ungrateful should set alarm bells ringing about this relationship.His family have been very kind to help you move but if I'd been working all week and was pregnant,no way on God's earth would I endure a long schlep to the seaside,squashed between 2 people in the back of a car.Mean men do not make good partners and he sounds very tight fisted and inconsiderate.

burberryqueen · 07/09/2013 13:58

perrhaps go but you do need the front seat or your own car.

JRmumma · 07/09/2013 14:01

I wouldn't go anywhere sat in the middle seat in the back of a car, pregnant or not pregnant. Why do you HAVE to sit there?

And doesn't want to pay for petrol? How is that more reasonable than you, the pregnant person, needing to rest? Its not. Put your foot down.

sue52 · 07/09/2013 14:05

You should go but only if your DP stops being silly about taking his car. If he refuses (a bit of a red flag if he does), call your MIL and give morning/travel sickness as an excuse.

BrianButterfield · 07/09/2013 14:07

I always end up in the middle seat as i am quite small but I put my foot down when pregnant and insist on the front seat.

MortifiedAdams · 07/09/2013 14:09

Do you drive? Just get in your car and follow them.

pianodoodle · 07/09/2013 14:26

Ouch :(

I bet your MIL would understand even if your partner doesn't.

What someone else said about the sickness might be worth doing though. I'm 24 weeks now and still felt sick up to 20 so it isn't impossible. Some people feel sick for 9 months!

Aniseeda · 07/09/2013 14:58

I get travel sick at the best of times (multiplied when pregnant) so I really couldn't manage 2 hours in the back seat. Yanbu.

I would ring his mum and explain you can't go as you can't manage the journey but wish her a lovely day and invite her round for a meal once you have the house straight.

2rebecca · 07/09/2013 15:59

If you work then why can't you use your money to pay for the fuel? Surely that sort of thing should be a joint decision. I'd only go in a car with other people if i get a front seat, otherwise I'd be driving the car, or saying I feel unwell.
Your partner is sounding controlling though. He sees financial decisions that affect both of you as his decisions not joint ones and he's manipulating you with guilt. Not a good start.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 07/09/2013 16:11

A day out at the seaside squashed in the back of your in-laws car?

Do you live in a Carry On film?

I'd be planning to saw off a limb.

Enjoy your pottering about, and buy her something lovely for helping you move.

Footface · 07/09/2013 17:18

What would you do if it was your mum?

Go but in your car

Hope you have a boy!

laeiou · 07/09/2013 17:42

Tell your dp that you can only go if you travel in his car. You need the ability to leave and return on your own timescale, and need comfort. The idea that you should take the last comfortable seat in a car is awful.

Have this conversation before unpacking your bags. People only treat you as badly as you allow them to.

ll31 · 07/09/2013 17:58

She's spent the day helping you, I think you dshould go

somersethouse · 07/09/2013 19:25

BTW, if there is any chance you are talking about a Spanish family, in Spain, you will not be forgiven for not going and your MIL will be invaluable to you in the future. She has just been really helpful to you.

Just going from your posting name re the Spain thing, so sorry if I am wrong, if I am right you basically HAVE to go! I speak from experience.
Also not quite understanding why you know you are in the worst seat of the car!

CharityFunDay · 07/09/2013 19:31

Only you know how much you can take. Ignore your DH, he's probably just stressed what with the move and everything.

Do something one-on-one with MIL on Sunday (assuming you get on with her in the first place) perhaps a big Sunday dinner with DH? or get her a birthday present AND a thank you present. She's been pregnant herself, I'm sure she'll understand.

CharityFunDay · 07/09/2013 19:32

Drat, it's Saturday today isn't it? So the day out is tomorrow (Sunday). Ignore refs to Sunday in my last.

Therealamandaclarke · 07/09/2013 20:28

I think you should base your decision making on what ou would do f it were YOUR mother who had helped you move and now wants a birthday day out.
I wouldn't be sitting in the middle back seat though.
I can't imagine my DH not taking his own car. If he really can't afford the petrol he needs to swap seats with you at the very least.

mameulah · 07/09/2013 20:32

Absolutely, definitely DO NOT go!

LadyStark · 07/09/2013 20:41

Why can't your DP take the middle seat? Hopefully you'd be less squashed on an outer seat.

YellowDinosaur · 07/09/2013 20:51

Just a thought....

Does the back middle seat only have a lap belt? If so its not safe to sit in it when pregnant as in the event of a crash your baby would be at increased risk compared to a standard seat belt. So that is an 'out' for you if your dp won't take his car or you can't sit in a different position.

marriedinwhiteisback · 07/09/2013 20:57

Two hours there and two hours back is about 100 miles - just under half a tank of petrol in my car - about £25. How skint are you as a couple OP?

Original poster

HolaGuapo · 08/09/2013 08:27

No I'm not Spanish, I namechanged a while ago and keep forgetting to put it back to my normal name. Oops!
I have said I will go, as long as we go in our own car. I don't drive so it's the only option DP has. We're not that skint that we can't afford petrol for a day out, he's just a bit tight about paying loads for petrol in general.

OP posts:

Therealamandaclarke · 08/09/2013 09:41

I think your issue is with your DP tbh.
There's a difference between being worried about money and being tight IMHO.
Why are you so convinced you'll be expected to sit in the middle seat?
I can't imagine anyone I know expecting that of a pg woman.

Therealamandaclarke · 08/09/2013 09:45

I'm torn (seriously need to be less concerned about other ppl's issues)

On the one hand, I think MILs get a tough time of it.
On the other, I really can't be doing with the idea of taking up everyone's entire Sunday, sitting in motorway traffic, for a birthday.
Maybe it will rain.

TempusFuckit · 08/09/2013 19:13

So did you go OP? And if so, how?

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