To think that if DP decides DCs need a punishment that he should take responsibility for it..

[unlucky83]

Last night I had a meeting in the evening (work) - DP works early shifts goes to bed at about 8pm ... told him about it a week or so ago but he hadn't arranged for the following morning off...
In the past he has stayed up a bit later - say 8.30 and then put DD2 (6) into our bed with him and sent DD1 (12) to her bedroom ...

These meetings can drag on- sometimes finish later than 11pm...I came home 'early' at 10pm to find both DDs downstairs watching TV
DP had gone to bed at 8 (30 mins after I left), agreed it was too early for them to go to bed and told them to go up to bed at 9pm
Now I was a bit annoyed with them but even more annoyed with DP ...they were ready for bed before I left -just teeth .... and I have to get them up for school...
I haven't managed to speak to him this afternoon (DD2 activities etc) - but DD1 must have told him ...he went to bed early (6.30! about 20 mins after I got back -probably avoiding me) .... both DDs upstairs and heard him falling out with them...DDs came down at 7ish and asked if they could watch TV - DD2 had reading homework so I said no TV until it was done...
Cue DP coming downstairs - no! they are to stay upstairs for not doing as they were told last night - no tv - I'm a bit cos maybe DD1 should take responsibility but not DD2 - she can't even tell the time!
They share a room and I knew DD1 - bored and in a mood (DP tends to be very good at really winding her up) would be a PIA while DD2 was reading - but I also know I'll forget it if we don't do it today...
DP - no - DD2 has to stay upstairs...
Try and do reading and DD1 is playing up - DP still not asleep only 7.30ish - try to get DP to keep DD1 out of the way - but he won't - he wants to go to sleep! For the rest of the time they have been making a real mess, bickering etc ...keep finding excuses to come downstairs etc etc. real pains and I've been snappier than I should be with them - because I'm furious with DP...

So am being unreasonable to think that DP should have at least discussed this me - and it isn't fair for me for me to have to cope with the grief from a punishment that wasn't even my idea...

YANBU. Parents who pass responsibility to, or wait for other parent to apportion discipline really annoy me.

So he went to bed last night at 6.30 leaving DC's downstairs. Then tonight he's up later than he'd like to be because he won't support you to carry out his directions .

You're being punished by having to do DD2's reading upstairs. With a disruptive DD1 in the room, so presumably the reading didn't go too well.

He's got some screwed up thinking there.

Ok, I admit I didn't quite follow every twist and turn of your post OP.

But the one thing that jumps out at me is that you and your DP contradict and countermand each other in front of your kids.

I really think that even when you disagree with your DP over choice of punishment or whatever else, unless it's positively dangerous, abusive (incl emotionally) nasty or bullying, you should back him up and show a united front in front of the kids. Then out of your kids' earshot you have the discussion about why you disagree and figure out what you will both do next time that's mutually acceptable.

Unfortunately that means collective responsibility and you do have to help enforce the punishment even if you disagree. However you then have a conversation afterwards to make it clear why you disagree and come to a mutually acceptable position regarding punishments that you are both happy to enforce.

But I did back it up (once I knew!) and I didn't say anything to the DCs ...
and I will speak to DP about it tomorrow/when I can - difficult cos they be around when he is over the weekend

• just fuming that I have a really crap night with loads of hassle backing him up!

(And not sure that they should be punished - he should have taken responsibility for getting his DCs to bed! )

Ah. Let me clarify my post a bit there - I think you have a responsibility to help enforce punishments and not undermine your DP when he is imposing a punishment, even if it's not what you would have chosen.

I don't think you have a responsibility to enforce on your own something he imposed if he then swans off and makes you into bad cop and leaves you with all the pain.

I think in that case I would go up, kick him out of bed, hiss under my breath "get your arse out of fucking bed and follow through", but still displaying a united front in front of the kids. Then afterwards, strong words about not making you always enforce his punishments, it's totally unfair.

So in short, yanbu and this weekend you need to put a DVD on, go into another room and shut the door and have it out with him. Needs to be soon to avoid it seeming like you're raking up the distant past to cause an argument.

It wouldn't matter if you'd had the best day in the world or a day of misery - still unacceptable behaviour on his part.