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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect OH to help?

18 replies

user765 · 06/09/2013 22:32

Just wondering what role other people's partners/husbands have? My partner is around in the morning but leaves for work around 9ish as me and baby are getting up (she is 8 weeks old now). He gets home at about 10.30pm and sometimes later, has something to eat, by which time me and baby are getting ready for bed. The only time he holds our daughter is if I say why don't you cuddle your baby for a bit or if I ask him to hold her while I get ready for bef. Obviously he does nothing around the house but also gas nothing to do with his baby! I understand he had to work and he does really work hard (has own business) but I can't remember the last time he picked her up and he certainly hasn't for at least 2 days. At weekends he will work from home and then go out to gym for hours. Since our baby was born he has looked after her on his own only once for only an hour and last weekend I asked him to watch her while I had a shower but heard him shouting 'shut up' at her so had to take her upstairs with me. If I have to go out I have to ask my parents to look after her be cause he makes excuses (although there have only been 2 occasions of this).

I am getting sick of eating every meal alone and basically being a single parent but am concerned now that he spends no time with his baby and I don't even know if he could look after her by himself now.

Is this what its like for a lot of people?

OP posts:

BonaDrag · 06/09/2013 22:35

Shouting at your newborn? [c

LindyHemming · 06/09/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pootlebug · 06/09/2013 22:36

Obviously he's working long hours through the week and your little one is barely awake in the time he's there. But at the weekends he 'goes out to the gym for hours'. WTF? Not acceptable when he has a young child, especially a young child he's barely seen all week, imo.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/09/2013 22:36

I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible experience.

It is definitely not normal, it bears no relation to my own experience, although I am fairly sure that you will get others coming to post who will have a similar experience to you.

Was your husband keen to become a parent?

Can he not leave a bit earlier in the morning and be home sooner? My DH leaves the house at 6am and is home by about 6.30pm so that he gets to see our DCs each evening, and we often have dinner as a family even during the week.

Why is he buggering off to the gym for hours at the weekend? Are you sure he is being truthful to you and that there isn't an OW?

BonaDrag · 06/09/2013 22:38

Sorry... Phone..

Shouting at your newborn is fucking dreadful.
Also, I understand people do have to work hard, especially when a child arrives but people can and do reel it in.

He should be a father to his child. At the moment he isn't.

What was he like before?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

I suggest you go to Relationships as some awesome advice can be found there.

I'm sorry. But congratulations on your new DD

Hawkmoth · 06/09/2013 22:39

No, it isn't like this.

While there's the argument that he's bringing in money for the family, this really sounds extreme and he should WANT to hold and care for his baby, WANT to make time for being a family and WANT to be involved.

You need to have a serious word.

Mollywashup · 06/09/2013 22:40

Has he always worked that many hours a day?

VodkaJelly · 06/09/2013 22:41

Shouting at a newborn? Fucking disgusting.

My DD is 8 months old and I have to peel out away from DP, first thing he does when he comes in from work is to cuddle her and kiss her and talk to her.

If he acted like your DP I would have bounced his hairy arse out of the door.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

VodkaJelly · 06/09/2013 22:42

sorry that was meant to say peel her away from DP.

BasilBabyEater · 06/09/2013 22:43

He sounds like a terrible partner and a terrible father.

Yes lots of people have relationships like this, lots of people are in terrible relationships.

You deserve better and so does your DD.

Nicknamefail · 06/09/2013 22:48

Others are right, you need a serious chat with dp. My dh works similar hours and moans all the time about how little time he spends with dd.

BasilBabyEater · 06/09/2013 22:48

And also, I hope this doesn't upset you too much, but it sounds like he's having an affair.

BasilBabyEater · 06/09/2013 22:49

He may not be of course. But the long hours at work and at the weekend?

Jenny70 · 06/09/2013 22:49

I'd perhaps be little peeved with him not picking her up etc /(and very annoyed at shouting), but at 8w they don't "do"much... it can take non-baby people a while to learn to interact.

But I would be certainly having chat about gym... you need support, he needs to learn how to care for his daughter, and how to interact with her (bath, stories) and he needs to start acting like a family man. Own business or not, what's the point if he'sgoing to be alone paying maintenance?

notanyanymore · 06/09/2013 22:54

My dp doesn't have alot to do with the dc as babies, he certainly doesn't change nappies or get up in the night. Its partly due to work and partly due to feeling out of his depth with babies, he's really come into his own as they've got older. I know other men the same.

Original poster

user765 · 06/09/2013 23:06

Thanks for all your replies. I think I am starting to lose perspective. He was thrilled and excited to be a dad but that's as far as it goes. I am questioning now whether he is actually working or whether he is seeing someone else now as he has cheated on me in the past. Not really sure what to do now...

OP posts:

AdmiralData · 06/09/2013 23:08

Firstly OP, many congratulations on your baby

AdmiralData · 06/09/2013 23:10

Ps, I truly hope he isn't cheating again x

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