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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is husband?

24 replies

Arnie123 · 06/09/2013 10:08

Last night I got in from work to see husband wearing what I thought was a new designer t shirt. I said I like that t shirt is it new? To which he replied no I bought it ages ago. I thought this was a bit odd as the shirt was pristine but I have bought things in the past and then hardly wore them so I did not suspect any different. This morning I was getting dressed and we have a shared underwear drawer and when I grabbed my tights I saw a new designer pair of shorts with the label still on. I confronted him over it and he admitted a spree yesterday but said it was none of my business what he spends his money on. I actually agree he has the right to buy what he wants and certainly does not nee. My permission but I am very upset about the deception as I now feel I cannot trust him. This is the second lying incident in 2 weeks and I am not upset about the money spent but an annoyed at the lies. Am I out of orde here?

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 06/09/2013 10:10

erm I think you are over reacting a fair bit yes - maybe he didn't tell you because he was afraid of the histrionics

but what you have posted makes little sense and I suspect there is more to it

hellsbellsmelons · 06/09/2013 10:12

Does he usually do this sort of thing?
When was the last time he bought himself new clothes?
I know what I'd be thinking!
Is he more protective of his phone etc.....
What was the other lie?

Original poster
Arnie123 · 06/09/2013 10:16

There would have been no histrionics actually in fact I would have complemented him on making a good choice as the clothes really suit him

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 06/09/2013 10:20

It's certainly very odd of him. What was the other lie about?

I think there's a difference between a little white lie or a lie of omission like, his not mentioning that he had gone shopping and a flat-out lie when you've asked him a question.

I suspect your trust is shaken not even so much by the lie, but because he was convincing enough that you believed him, and so who knows what else he might have lied about.

Eilidhbelle · 06/09/2013 10:22

In the nicest possible way, I think you're overreacting. You 'now feel you can't trust him' because he bought some new clothes and wasn't totally honest about it? Is it really such a big deal?

pianodoodle · 06/09/2013 10:23

Bit odd that he lied when you asked if it was new. Is he usually defensive or had he a reason to think you'd disapprove?

Mollywashup · 06/09/2013 10:23

me too hellsbells i would be watching him from now on men are so predictable

SlightlyItchyBraStrap · 06/09/2013 10:25

I don't think you're overreacting. Why lie about it? What else does he lie about that you haven't found out?

Trills · 06/09/2013 10:25

Ask him why he thought he wanted to lie. It ay have just come out of his mouth and he doesn't know himself why he didn't say "yes, I went shopping".

How does your spending money work? If you have entirely joint money then maybe he feels guilty for having spent the money even though you think that it's fine for him to do so.

I would set things up so that you each have your own "spending money" to spend on t-shirts or haircuts or coffee or trainers or DVDs or whatever. That way you each know what you can spend.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 06/09/2013 10:26

No he buys clothes a lot and I have always said nice choice and never had a go at him. I think the reason he is trying to hide it is he recently gave a con artist £360 as they said he was owed £3600 in PPI and if he bought ukash vouchers and gave them the code on it they would bring round the £3600 in cash the next day. Obviously they used the code to spend my cash (I state my as he had asked for me to put £800 of my business travel expenses into his account the day before and kept it all quiet). What pissed me off more is he had never had a loan or credit card in his life so should have known that he had no outstanding PPI. If he would have told me I would have instantly told him it was a scam. However I have no issues with him spending money in reputable shops

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 06/09/2013 10:27

hmmm I find it OTT that you can't trust him because he got some new pants and didn't tell you

so what is the back story - is he unfaithful, is he keeping money from you, has he told you about buying pants only for you to have a go at him?

I don't understand why buying pants equals a lack of trust and I seriously don't see how it equals having or wanting an affair

Original poster
Arnie123 · 06/09/2013 10:27

No my trust is shaken not over this one incident but as it is the latest in a long series of lies

OP posts:
Original poster
Arnie123 · 06/09/2013 10:29

No he is not having an affair and I have 100% confidence he would never do this

OP posts:
Eilidhbelle · 06/09/2013 10:29

There's your answer then - he lied because he thought you'd bring up the PPI scam. Which you'd be entitled to, because I'd be absolutely livid over that, but it doesn't sound like there's anything more sinister going on.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 06/09/2013 10:39

Thank you for your comments and I am not offended by the OTT/overreacting ones. I will be the first to admit I have a massive tendency to over react at times and am relieved he is not out of order. In fact I bought a shed load of furniture without his permission yesterday but did not hide it from him. I also think he is keeping things hush hush as I have recently been withering on about the need to accrue assets like antiques and not waste money on objects but I am tighter than a ducks arse

OP posts:
Original poster
Arnie123 · 06/09/2013 10:40

Not withering wittering damn you autocorrect!

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 06/09/2013 10:43

If you don't trust him with finances keep your finances separate.

I wouldn't have bothered confronting him about clothes particularly.

I think you both have communication issues tho.

themaltesefalcon · 06/09/2013 10:49

After falling for that PPI scam, he's lucky that you haven't throttled him tbh.

Floralnomad · 06/09/2013 10:54

I don't think you overreacted , you asked a question and he lied . He also sounds a bit of a pillock ,who falls for a scam like that !

Original poster
Arnie123 · 06/09/2013 11:02

I did not bollock him over the clothes I just confronted him about lying. My biggest concern is if he hides his spending from me he will get caught out again. He is not intelligent and in fact his mum and sister have learning difficulties but this does not bother me as he is a lovely kind person. I will admit to a massive bollocking over the PPI scam as I am very angry he did it with my money and if he had consulted me over it before the cash changed hands I could have stopped it and called the police so they may have had a slim chance of catching these bastards

OP posts:
urtwistingmymelonman · 06/09/2013 18:27

I do this all the time.
I will say it cost less than It did or that ive had it a while.
I think I do it because of money struggles during my childhood which has left me with a guilt when spending(especially when its on clothes and not something we desperately NEED).
the thing is my oh doesn't care if I spend cash on clothes and has certainly never had the hump about it its just a guilt of spending that is in me.
this behaviour certainly doesn't mean hes cheating on you especially if he has always been like this.

ll31 · 10/09/2013 15:44

He is not intelligent? You sound as if you habe no respect for him.... Why r u together?

rootypig · 10/09/2013 15:51

He is not intelligent and in fact his mum and sister have learning difficulties but this does not bother me as he is a lovely kind person.

What an odd thing to say about your own partner. And I can't see what his mum and sister's learning difficulties have to do with it.

You say he doesn't need your permission, but being honest about it is a form of permission, isn't it? eg if I bought something very expensive and my mum said how much was that, I might be evasive, because I really don't need her permission. If DH asked, I wouldn't lie, because we have a family together and in that sense our financial decisions will always have an impact on each other.

OP are you a controlling person? I say this in the nicest possible way and as someone who is so controlling I could make Cruella de Vil blush.

farewellfigure · 10/09/2013 16:03

Blimey, the OP is getting some flack! Personally I can see why her DH lied in the context of the whole PPI scam thing, but why r u together is a bit harsh isn't it? She's already said he's a lovely person and is really kind. If my lovely kind husband suddenly started to tell lies, I'd be shaken too.

I give it five minutes before someone says, 'Divorce the bastard'.

OP I can completely understand why you're feeling uneasy but I think DH was probably a bit nervous after the PPI hiccup. I expect his comments about it being an old t.shirt probably left his lips before he'd even had a chance to think what he was saying.

Also ignore the posts that are scaremongering about him having an affair. HONESTLY!

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