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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I do anything about this?

8 replies

Fairy1303 · 06/09/2013 09:36

Because this is my step daughter I sometimes question my judgement on things so would value your opinions on how I should handle this or what (if anything) I should do.

DSD lives with us full time. As we have recently moved house, she has just started a new school.
At her old school, which is only 10miles away (so we have kept up with some of her old friends) there was a girl. Lets call her Jane.

Jane, whilst probably a lovely girl deep down, is definitely one of the ring leaders. She could often be spiteful (I once overheard her saying 'god, Megan looks absolutely DISGUSTING in that skirt!) they are 8!! we had a couple of the usual issues that girls have, a few tears at times and and the girls would flit from friends one minute to tears because Jane had upset her the next. She would sometimes come to play, no major incidents but to be honest there were other friends that I probably encouraged more because they were nicer

Now. Last night, at bedtime, DSD in tears. 'Will the children at this school be horrible to me like Jane was?' I just want to have a nice friend this time like Megan was.

She then told me that Jane used to pinch her and that all the notes home we used to get about 'falling over' were due to Jane pushing her.

Obviously we had a chat about how important it is to tell me these things at the time, and to ignore girls like Jane in future as there will possibly be more and that's why nice girls like Megan are the ones to stick with.

Now ordinarily I would just move on a we're now at different school, but Janes mum has just text 'hi, how are you, we should get the girls together soon'

Do I just send something on committal? Or would IBU to tell her what DSD has said so she can stop her little darling from doing it again to someone else?

OP posts:
sparkle12mar08 · 06/09/2013 09:39

Non committal is the way to go, say you're happy to meet for coffee in the day or whatever, but DSD is just soooo busy these days what with all her new friends etc....

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/09/2013 09:41

I'm guessing janes mum is not a friend?

A simple no thanks we need to start mixing with none violent kids should do it.

KoalaFace · 06/09/2013 09:43

Aw Fairy your poor DSD. I'm glad she's away from Jane now and is having a fresh start. Hopefully after your chat she'll be encouraged to come straight to you with any future problems.

If it was me I think I'd be non committal with Jane's mum as I think she might want to get the girls together to sort it out which probably wouldn't be great for DSD and IME the parents very often don't want to admit their child is a bully. I think you would end up stressed at a time when you have enough on.

Twitterqueen · 06/09/2013 09:43

I don't think you will achieve anything by talking to Jane's mum about it. Except stress, denials and unpleasantness

As sparkle says - just be very very busy and "isn't it great that DSD has settled in so well with her lovely new friends"

Fairy1303 · 06/09/2013 09:43

Ha! Love that sock.

No not a friend. Someone i would chat to in playground but not a friend. She's a bit of a Jane herself tbh.

OP posts:
cory · 06/09/2013 09:44

I would be a little bit wary of being too fortright, since this is now in the past and you haven't heard Jane's side of the story.

I believed for many years that dd's bf was not very nice to her and secretly hoped their friendship would break off. Now that they are in their teens (and still great friends) they can joke about what they both did to each other- and it turns out dd was horrible! That story about the squirrel Blush I now understand why other little girl's family sometimes seemed a little chilly in their manner towards me Blush They were as bad as one another but of course they only got to hear their dd's side of the story- and believed that as wholeheartedly as I believed my dd's version.

I don't think dd was deliberately lying when she gave me her side of the story all those years ago- but naturally, she was thinking about the things that had upset her.

If your dsd was currently playing with this little girl and there was a bullying problem, then I think you should tackle it.

But as for telling her mum in retrospect as a kind of character assessment of her dd so she can know "what she's like"- no, I wouldn't risk it. No point and a serious risk of everybody digging up old wrongs on both sides.

GreetingsFrontBottom · 06/09/2013 09:52

How about:

"I am sorry, but Jane is not a very nice child. I would rather that DSD and Jane did not see each other anymore. Hope you understand. Rgds, Fairy1303."

Damnautocorrect · 06/09/2013 09:55

If there's a chance they'll be at the same secondary school then be vague and non committal.

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