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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel at my wits end?

13 replies

Nomoregin · 05/09/2013 13:27

Please help, I just don't know what to do.

My mum is 66 and is in poor health though the cause seemed unclear. Main symptoms were severe weight loss, very weak limbed (not being able to walk/go out). I took her to the doctors and lots of blood tests later it seems her liver is failing due to too much alcohol.

The long and short of it is she has been told SHE must stop drinking. She hasn't and says she doesn't believe the blood test results and that her liver is fine. She barely eats. She looks 80. She has no interests/friends. I suspect she has been depressed for years. I have begged her to stop drinking and attend the ultrasound her GP wants her to have. She will not.

What else can I do? She has essentially, it seems, decided that life without gin is not worth living. Literally.

I'm at my wits end. I took her for more blood tests last week and we will get the results next week but it all seems pointless if she will not act on the advice. Sad

OP posts:
Squitten · 05/09/2013 13:37

I'm very sorry you are having to deal with all this but I'm afraid there is nothing you can do.

She is an adult, responsible for her own care, and she has been told what she needs to do by her doctors. She is an alcoholic and is entirely dependant on booze to the point that she in unwilling to accept the medical risk to her life if it means she has to stop drinking. Unless she is willing to accept that she has a very big problem and that she could die from it, there is nothing that anybody can do to help her.

It must be heart-breaking for you but I think all you can do is keep trying to get her to change her mind, whilst accepting that she might never try to help herself

Sparklymommy · 05/09/2013 13:37

If she is giving up on life then tbh I think you could be in for a long, heartbreaking and difficult time. Does she understand that you want her to get better? How sad for you all. Has the gp prescribed anti depressants if she is depressed? Have you tried finding an interest for her?

Have some Flowers and Cake and know that people are here for you x

WilsonFrickett · 05/09/2013 13:40

I am really, really sorry this is happening to your mum and you, but there is nothing you can do about it. Not one thing. I am so, so sorry. She is an alcoholic and she won't/can't stop. And you can't do it for her. I wish I could type some other response... Sad

lilithtime · 05/09/2013 13:41

I'm so sorry and I know this wont be what you need to hear, but there is nothing more that you can do. Sad

You can't make someone stop drinking, as heartbreaking as that is. Your mum is the only one who can do it and if even this doesn't have an effect then what will?

I wish I could give some better advice but I can't. Just to make sure you take care of yourself and get yourself as much support as possible. Thanks

farewellfigure · 05/09/2013 13:44

I'm so sorry op. That is terribly sad. I posted on here the other day about a similar situation with my sister. Lots of people suggested I go to al-anon which is a support group for relatives of alcoholics. It won't help your mum, but it may give you the emotional support to get yourself through this very difficult time.

All the best.

marriedinwhiteisback · 05/09/2013 13:46

Accept our love and prayers (if welcome or wanted) and remember that the non vipery end of MNet will be here to support you and hold your hand Brew,Cake

Original poster
Nomoregin · 05/09/2013 13:47

Thank you so much.

It is so hard trying to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I just don't understand how or why she would choose gin over her daughter and grandchildren. I was thinking of writing her a letter saying you have the rest of your life ahead of you, you can choose to do nothing (ie keep drinking) and know that you won't have long to live and won't have any enjoyment or fulfilment or relationships OR you can make the decision to stop drinking completely, gain your daughter back, develop a relationship with your grandchildren, be part of our family, create memories, gain your health back, go on holidays, days out...... I know which I would choose! Sorry I'm waffling. Would that be too much? I feel it might make me feel like I've tried all I can....

OP posts:
DeWe · 05/09/2013 13:55

Has she always drank, or is this a new thing?

Just if it's a new thing, then possibly something (like depression) is getting her into drinking. If you could treat that it might help?

DoJo · 05/09/2013 13:56

At this stage it sounds like you need to try the things that will make you feel better about the situation - if she does decide not to make the change, then you don't want to be left with a load of 'what ifs' about whether you could have done more. If writing a letter feels like it could help, even if it's only so that she has a lasting record of your feelings on the matter, then do it. It may be that it makes a difference, it may be that she just appreciates knowing how you feel but doesn't make a change, but you should do whatever feels right for you. This is one time where behaviour that would normally be labelled as emotional blackmail seems perfectly appropriate. I hope you can find a way to get through this with her.

WilsonFrickett · 06/09/2013 10:29

I would write the letter, yes. What do you have to lose? But be prepared for some fallout, she will probably be angry, confrontational, accuse you of emotional blackmail, etc. So do it, but have some support around you too.

I think you will feel better if you feel you've tried everything possible.

littlewhitebag · 06/09/2013 11:22

Someone in the grip of an addiction will not heed any threats. Your mum clearly does not believe she is doing any harm to herself. This is the deluded thinking caused by addiction. You can talk to her, write to her and shout at her but at the end of it all she has to be he one to make the changes to stop her drinking herself to death.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be hell.

maras2 · 06/09/2013 12:35

Sounds like she has peripheral neuropathy due to low levels of A and B vitamins caused by excessive alcohol intake.Not much you can do if she can't see that there's a problem.Al Anon may be helpfull for you or at least offer some support.Just wondered though,if her mobility is impaired how does she get about to buy her drink?I suppose that where there's a will there's a way.Good luck nomoregin.This must be a dreadful and difficult time for you and your family.Bastard booze,the cause of so much unhappiness when abused.

Snoopingforsoup · 06/09/2013 12:47

I'm so sorry for your horrid situation.

There's nothing more you can do than what you are doing I don't think.

Al Anon may be helpful to you. I hope you get some care and support in what must be an awful situation.

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