Not to understand how the human brain works?

[FrenchRuby]

I'll try and keep this short and to the point, hoping someone will be able to give me some advice or anyone who has the same sort of issue?

Anyway, I didn't have a good childhood, in and out of foster care from 6, finally put up for adoption on my 10th birthday (was never adopted, moved foster homes A LOT, ended up with a brilliant foster carer who looked after me when I was smaller), no dad around, very abusive mother with drink/drugs/men problems.

I finally got access to some of my records and it was horrible reason back all the things that happened to me because I remember it so vividly. But then there was a section about when I was 8-10 and it kept mentioning this person who was apparently very involved in my life (a friend of my birth mothers) for these years. I don't remember them, I mean not even a little bit, no recollection of their name/face. Not even a hint of recognition in my brain. And according to my records this person would have been very distinctive (don't want to go into too much detail)

How can I remember all of the horrible things that happened to me in painful detail but forget a whole person who was apparently a key aspect in my life at that age?? I don't have a bad memory either, I can remember some things back as far as 3 years old.
So I guess my AIBU would be, would it be unreasonable to look into this more, or just drop it and accept the fact I may never remember.

Thanks for reading this far, sorry if it's too long!

I know less than nothing about the workings of the human brain, but I know that misery has also caused me to forget long periods of time and events that don't appear to have anything to do with the cause of the unhappiness itself. I don't know why it happens, but my body has occasionally done something similar, manifesting extreme symptoms of stress only once the cause of the stress was temporarily removed.

I'm so sorry you had such a difficult early life, French. Might it be that you were so attached to this person that her loss (if that is what happened, you lost contact because you were moved around so much?) was a huge trauma for you that you coped with by 'forgetting'? Is there any possibility you could trace her, if you wanted to now?

I just think that, especially in the context of the kind of childhood you describe, it might have been harder to deal with the loss of someone you loved and who cared for you, than with other awfulnesses you had come to 'expect'?

Hi FrenchRuby. If you don't mind my asking, was the influence of this person supposed to have been generally positive or negative? Why were they mentioned so much in the notes?

Sorry to hear you had such a hard time. Must be really stressful to go back to details which are unpleasant to remember.

Apologies for armchair psychology. Do get yourself some help in dealing with this difficult time, French. A good counsellor would be a support, and might be a safe place to explore letting yourself explore some of the issues around your 'forgetting' and your early life.

Oh, God, have I misread this, and this forgotten person was a negative or a positive influence? If the former, ignore my ravings.

The brain tends to associate memories with emotions.
You'll remember better exciting or traumatic events, or that you associate with loved ones.

One of two things. Either this person meant nothing to you emotionally, or you have repressed the memory.

It's likely that some memories are there, just that the path to retrieve those memories may not be obvious, as you may need particular associations that you haven't made yet.

Obviously it's really hard to say much without knowing the situation, but if you do decide to go down the route of looking into this more, please make sure you have lots of support. I agree with Seaweedy that things can be forgotten for all sorts of reasons, and any delving into this should probably be done very carefully. Maybe a well qualified psychologist (preferably working in the NHS, which gives lots of support and minimum standards of care) could help with this if that's the route you choose to go down. Best of luck with it all.

PS by minimum standards of care, I mean they have to work to a good standard

This person I don't think I would have had an emotional attachment to, just one of my birth mums friends who apparently pretty much lived with us and was around all the time, according to my records they helped my birth mum 'home school' me (I say home school, she basically just left me alone in the house for hours or told me to go and 'explore' adnd not come back until night time, when I could have been at school) you'd think I'd remember because I remember some of her friends who were only around for a short amount of time. I even remember one of her friends who helped us move one and we never saw him again... it's just bizarre to me.

Are you sure the record's accurate? (name, etc)

Yeah, they're a direct copy from SS and the person sounds exactly like someone who would be friends with my birth mother.

You say you can remember some horrible things from the past in painful detail. I wonder whether you've already had psychological support with this, or whether you'd want to seek it? I know it doesn't appeal to some people, but it can help to deal with painful memories. If you get support about this, then perhaps you could also address in a safe environment whether there are any extra issues about things you've forgotten. Of course, as others have said, it could just be that, in relation to other things you experienced at that time, it was inconsequential. But given the existence of other very painful memories of that time, it might be sensible to be a bit careful.
But - how much does it bother you that you can't remember this person? If you're generally doing fine, and the memories aren't bothering you, and you don't have any particular distress which is getting in the way of your life, perhaps it can remain as "one of those things"?
I wish you all the best.

The record was presumably written at the time by someone other than you. Maybe THEY thought you noticed more about this person than you really did at that time. Or maybe so many other things (sounds like bad things, sorry ) were going on in your life that you simply didn't have extra brain space for what didn't require any worrying about and wasn't a problem.
I think I have all sorts of weird blanks in my mind, I've noticed DB and I have quite different memories of our more chaotic years.

How long ago was this? My mother had me medicated (quite common during the 70s) to shut me up after my father's death. I can't remember a thing about that period due to the meds.

It would be 15/16 years ago.
I'm not bothered by it, just like I'm not bothered about my childhood. Not to say I don't care, I just think its in my past can't be changed so no point dwelling, if that makes sense.
I was more curious than anything, how I can forget a whole person but remember what colour socks I had on on my first day of year 4 (I really do remember, they were yellow).