MiL's house and smoke

[BonaDea]

MIL is in most things a lovely lady. But she smokes and I don't know whether iabu or a bit pfb.

DS is 5.5 months. From the get go we have said she can visit whenever she would like - she lives about 2 hours away but significantly closer than my own Dm. We have asked that she not smoke when she comes which she seemed to be ok with. However she has seen DS for a few hours when he was first born and then for one overnight, that's all. DH is her only child so DS is her first and only grandchild.

Although the dil in me is delighted she hasn't been all over us, I am also secretly a bit miffed that she hasn't made more of an effort. She is retired and lives alone.

Anyway thoughts are now turning to Xmas. We'll either have it at home and invite mil or we might go to her. We've hosted the last few years and part of me fancies a year off with someone else shopping and cooking, esp as I have DS to look after too! But I'm worried about the smoking around DS. I'm pretty sure that if we go there she'd be ok to cut down or nip outside to the garage but what about the house with its old furniture steeped in donkeys years of stale smoke? Have been reading how 3rd hand smoke is really harmful.

But do you think that a couple of nights won't do DS - who will by then be 9 months - any harm? Am I being over protective? Or for all concerned is it best that we host here and she smokes outside if she has to?

Either way both she and her clothing will be full of smoke... So doubt it makes a difference

Oh, we did ask that she change clothes after smoking at hours and washes hands after. Drew the line at asking her to wash hair - in the end she simply didn't smoke but think shed struggle with that for more than one night...

*smoking at ours (not hours!)

I wouldn't take DS to stay in the house of a smoker with DS

Personally at that age I would invite her to mine, make sure dh helps with food etc and get easy food. It is hard trying to enforce your rules in someone else's house. There is too much potential for her to 'forget' when you're settling your ds etc. Another year and I would say maybe risk it as it is just a few days, the poor children next door to us have had both parents chain smoking in house and car since they were tiny. How will you feel if he comes down with an infection just after Christmas?

Don't stress about the Christmas dinner - it's just a roast with a bit of cranberry sauce. Have it at yours; it will be less stressful.

Whenever we visit my BIL and SIL, who both smoke, we have to wash absolutely everything (whether it's been worn or not) when we come home. We stayed with friends one new year who'd bought a house from a chain smoker. This was at least six months after they'd moved in and all our stuff still reeked of smoke when we got home.

I've visited MIL once since having DS 4 months ago and refused to enter the house so I'm very glad people don't find this unreasonable! She smokes these awful knock off cigarettes too they stink even DH who smokes (outside with hands antibacterial gelled after) won't touch them.

Does she smoke in the house? I'm not sure from the OP whether she used to or still does?

She doesn't smoke in our house. She does smoke in her own home but would refrain while we are there with DS - but I'm still worried about all the residue left in the carpets, curtains, furniture etc!

I know there is more evidence now than there used to be and I am an old gimmer in MN terms but I do wonder if all this is a bit OTT. Your MIL is clearly making an effort.

My DCs are now 25 and 22, we never even thought about this (possibly because we didn't know as much back then!). Obviously we would not have left them with a heavy smoker all the time but DDs BFs mum smoked and we never thought twice about her going round there. Both of mine are now healthy, non-smokers.

I don't know how I'm still alive my DM is a chain smoker and when I was at home she smoked in the house some nights I couldn't see her through the haze its made me so anti smoking I must have stunk when I went to school. If you are not happy then have Christmas at your house make her welcome but just ask her to go outside.

Personally, for a day or two as long as she smoked outside the house and not around your DS then I would go. It's not ideal of course, but even if she stops smoking in the house from now on there will still be years worth of smoke in the furniture etc., and you'd need to think about whether you are saying your DS could never stay over, or whether there is a magic age when you are suddenly less bothered by the old smoke.

You're not BU, but if she is a nice MIL and you're happy with everything else then I do think you need to think long-term about this. For someone who has smoked their whole life, quitting is probably not on the cards for them, and even if they did their house suddenly won't become clean and smoke free overnight. By the sounds of it she is trying to make concessions and not smoke around your DS anyway, which compared to some older, long-term smokers is a good thing.

I agree with thurlow

I'm with Thurlow too. I think if he is 5.5 months now, the risk of cot death is much less (my main issue about smoke) and will be even less by Christmas....

As long as she smokes outside and doesn't hold him immediately after smoking then you are minimising the risk enough.