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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be shocked (and a bit selfishly sad) about how well ds has settled at nursery?

27 replies

jessieagain · 05/09/2013 00:16

He is 2 and been there nearly 2 months (started partime there just after his birthday). Today he ran in squealing and wave me goodbye before running off to play :(

I feel a bit sad and obselete :( I feel that he must be so very bored at home with me. Maybe it would be in his best interests to increase his days and maybe even go fulltime?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2013 00:18

Please promise me that this will happen with DD tomorrow when she starts preschool. I am 2 months behind you and am dreading that she might be miserable and lonely. Can you remember feeling that? Try to remember how much you wanted DS to be happy at nursery?

He loves being at home with you too, I guarantee it. He just likes nursery too, thank goodness.

MammaTJ · 05/09/2013 00:20

You know it is a good thing that he has settled well but just to make you feel better, so did all my DC but now DS, age 7 tomorrow, has the occasional wobble when being left at school and no doubt your DS will sometimes too!

You are the centre of his world and will remain so for sometime. If you need proof, hide on pick up time and watch his little face when all the other parents are there and you aren't. don't really do this

DTisMYdoctor · 05/09/2013 00:22

Aw, you're not obsolete, it's just new and fun. Would you really rather he was clinging to you and sobbing? If it makes you feel better, DS loved nursery, but right until he finished this summer we would have the odd random day where he's cry and not want us to leave.

Original poster

jessieagain · 05/09/2013 00:30

True but if he had hated it and was clinging to me crying I would probably have pulled him out by now

Rationally I know it is wonderful that he is settled there and the teachers are all so lovely -but--- I do still worry that Im not good enough for him at home and he prefers it there.

OP posts:

DoJo · 05/09/2013 00:34

TBH, I think everyone dropping them off to nursery feels a little bit sad however their child takes it - whether your child runs off happily, cries, has a temper tantrum - so it's better that you're sad because they're happy than sad because they're sad. It shows they are confident and happy to trust that you wouldn't take them somewhere that wasn't going to be fun and safe.

Original poster

jessieagain · 05/09/2013 00:52

That's a great way to look at it dojo, thank you

OP posts:

Morloth · 05/09/2013 01:56

We need them more than they need us.

Parenting is one of those jobs where you want to work yourself into obsolescence.

Well done!

FixItUpChappie · 05/09/2013 02:52

Don't be sad, it is utter utter shit to be crying yourself on the way to work because your child was begging and screaming for you at drop off.

JollyHappyGiant · 05/09/2013 03:27

The reason he is happy and settled at nursery is because he has a secure, healthy attachment to you. He knows you'll come back for him. He knows you're always there for him. If he thought you might just disappear while he's at nursery then he wouldn't go. He trusts you :)

GalaxyDefender · 05/09/2013 07:11

I came here to 100% agree with you, OP. The very first time I dropped DS off at nursery on Monday he ignored me when I tried to say goodbye! Apparently he's settled perfectly, while I sit at home worrying myself to death

Jolly, your post made me feel so much better, and I hope it does for the OP too.

EverybodysGoneSurfing · 05/09/2013 07:11

My experience is that there are phases- sometimes they love it, other times they cry. DD loves it at the moment and told me off for picking her up early the other day! YANBU to br sad though, I still cry sometimes because i miss her!

Jaynebxl · 05/09/2013 07:21

I was like this when informs left my son at the childminder's. I really wanted him to need me. But I came to the conclusion that rather than meaning we've not done a great job and they would rather be elsewhere that it might just mean we have done a good job in creating a little person who is confident and happy to be with someone else and not just us.

AnneUulmelmahay · 05/09/2013 07:23

Absolutely right Jane and Jolly

fancyabakeoff · 05/09/2013 08:14

My daughter cried on her first day at nursery. On the way out.

RevoltingPeasant · 05/09/2013 09:17

bakeoff

OP just wait till you have what my colleague's DD used to do to her - once, when the DD was about 12 mos old, she punched her mum when she came to pick her up.

Now that's a statement!! Poor colleague.......

mrsjay · 05/09/2013 09:31

why would you want a screechy clingy child on your leg just why your dd is a lovely confident little girl who loves her nursery dont wish her clingy it is exhausting for everybody the anxiety of having a clingy crying child who hates being away from you is distressing for the parent the child, and also harder work for the nursery staff,

mrsjay · 05/09/2013 09:32

little boy sorry him being at his nursery is fun doesn't mean he likes being at home less, please get over this and be happy your child is happy playing with other children

MrsMangoBiscuit · 05/09/2013 09:36

Oh god, you've just reminded me that I didn't wave up at the window when I left DD this morning! She used to go to the breakfast club, so was in a different room, so no waving. I've just started mat leave, so I'm taking her in for normal time. Room at the front means she can wave. I told her I would, and I forgot. Oh bugger, I feel shitty now.

OP, I agree with everyone who's said it's a good thing he's settled well. It means you're doing a good job, and he's happy and confident, and knows you'll come back.

Ragwort · 05/09/2013 09:36

Don't be sad, - my DS cried the first time I arrived to pick him up from his child-minder - he was obviously having such a wonderful time & didn't want to come home.

He has always loved going to playschool, nursery etc and has developed into a happy, confident and independent child. As an only child I think he just loved being out and about with other children, different toys and activities not with a dull older mum .

Pigsmummy · 05/09/2013 09:38

My 11 month old had first settling yesterday, she cried more in 40 minutes than she would in a month normally. The other babies all cried and that's what upset her, in the sleeping room there where two babies totally distraught and sobbing, as they were "self settlers" the staff couldnt pick them up and said that it was the hardest part of their job, having to leave them cry, I wondered if the parents knew just how upset they were would they comfort the babies? It was really awful to watch and I am worried that my DD might not sleep there (due to the wailing "self settlers").

The nursery itself is lovely, very modern with really nice staff, DD due to go three days per week.

ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches · 05/09/2013 19:35

My DD2 went to nursery from the age of 1 with no problem but pretty much as soon as she turned 2 it was awful! I was on maternity leave after having DD3 and she used to get peeled off my leg nearly every morning screaming the place down! Within minutes she was happily playing but it didn't stop me from feeling like shit!

She is going into year 1 now and will go into school as she knows that it is non-negotiable but I can't take her to things like gymnastics as she won't let me leave her!

I would love it if she would skip off happily but she is a Velcro child, maybe I haven't made her secure enough

CHJR · 05/09/2013 19:52

YABU, lucky you.
I started DS1 earlier than I'd intended at nursery because when once or twice left in daycare (on holiday) he so clearly loved it. It's a sign that they are secure in their family and not afraid of being arbitrarily hurt or abandoned. One sign, in retrospect, of DS2's SN was that he never, ever wanted me to be away from him in any way till he was at least 5 and in a specialist SN school where he understood what was going on.
I'm not saying that all children who are shy or nervous when little are being badly parented or SN, of course not; lots of DC are shy.
Anyway, however bad it makes you feel, trust me, you'd feel MUCH worse leaving DC crying. Don't worry, we all feel guilty leaving our DC (even when they're teenagers!) -- I think I was in my 30s and married 10 years before DF stopped prefacing every phone call with, "Are you all right?"

CHJR · 05/09/2013 19:56

p.s. to ThreeDaughters yes, of course just after you've had another DC they all do that cling thing! (Have I a future as a rhymster? maybe not) Some children are for sure more reserved; I remember being VERY reluctant to leave my mother as a child till I was quite old -- even with my DB in the same group or school. I was so glad DS1 was braver than I had been!

CHJR · 05/09/2013 19:56

Huh? where did all those crossings-out come from? sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2013 23:30

I dropped DD at preschool and she just said, "bye bye" and waved. When I picked her up, "more preschool". Clearly I am dispensable.

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