What's a fair division of labour?

[AmILazy]

Both my dh and I work full time. He is the breadwinner and I'm starting out (although not getting v far as yet). We have 3 kids.

Dh - does ironing, washing, cooks tea if he's in first, gardening, monthly budget, long term financial planning, library with girls weekend, all ins except car

I do - childminder run, household finances, cook tea if I'm in first, brownies run, guide run, doctors (3asthma well controlled), car mot, service booking, car ins, book trips to relatives, organise birthdays

No one - switches tariffs, books holiday, dentist

Both - kids homework

Kids- set the table, clear table, sweep floor, bins, recycling, (aged8-16)
Should mention we have a cleaner for general chores. I have car cos I do childminder.

Is this a fair/unfair division?

I don't know, I'm confused reading the jobs list tbh. Are you both happy with the arrangement? That's the only thing that matters at the end of the day.

Who does shopping?

He has a regular footie night, we both go out together a few times a month. I meet my mate for coffee once every six weeks.

There are no times included.

I work full time as does DH - he has a 2 hour commute each way, I have 15 mins each way.

We kinda do what we like doing - TBH if he told be I was 50% down on bin scrubbing time he'd probably get a wet wipe up his arse, and vice versa.

A little word of advice, he or she who commutes longest and gets paid more does less by pure virtue of down time together.

I do the shopping, but sometimes I struggle to fit it in and we end up on take outs.

YY to free time and lay ins. I don't think it enormously matters what you do, as people do different things around the house. The important thing is that you both get some of an evening to yourself, and a lay in if possible, and both get time at the weekend to go to the gym, do a bit of shopping etc, whatever you prefer.

He's not happy as he feels he does more. No idea of the timings, will look at that.

I totally agree that having equal leisure time is what's important. If one partner finishes 'their' jobs quickly they should help the other partner, surely?

I think that who earns more is totally irrelevant in allocating household jobs (if you're working equal.hours).

Agree with Doobie - what matters if you are both happy with the 'division' - personally I would hate to be so 'regimented' about the duties, what happens if it is a lovely sunny day and you feel like doing a bit of gardening? . What if you need to change your own library book, would you go separately? .

If you are both OK with this arrangement then fine, there have been far too many threads on this subject recently it's becoming tedious. You could end up spending more time designing spreadsheets and agonising over who does what rather than just get on with things and enjoying your free time .

There never seems to be free time. Do you have to plan everything militarily to ensure everything is done and there is free time? Or is there another way? His natural instinct is to plan mine to wing it.

We don't plan, but we are both aware of the jobs that need doing regularly and the bigger jobs that need doing when someone is on their own in the house. In the evenings we'll both work hard to make sure the basics are done (and we're nowhere near the homework stage yet, tbf) but by 9pm we're done.

There's nothing on your list really which is day-by-day?

I think if it works for you and you're both happy, it doesn't matter at all.

I'm a SAHM. OH works 60+ hours a week (horrible shift work) and he takes care of everything financial, takes the rubbish out, does small shopping trips before his shifts start, vacuums occasionally and puts the odd wash on.

On his days off he does bath/bedtime routine and we split the household chores down the middle so we get time together in the evenings. Works for us.

Though, to be totally honest, it does look like your partner does more as I'd imagine washing, ironing and gardening to be bigger tasks than most of yours. I'm.assuming also that most of the childminder drop offs happen when he's commuting rather than lounging around the house?

Ragwort please can you link to one that would be a great help. So often you feel like the only one who's felt this way. I really would rather be more spontenaeous but is that possible and still get everything done?

I think it depends on free time and also who is best suited to the task, eg if you enjoy cooking and find it relaxing (as I do) or find it stressful and are a bit crap at it (DH).

I do the cooking, shopping, and a lot more outings with DD. DH does gardening, cleaning, early mornings/nights with DD, laundry, financial stuff. Overall his chore probably take less time, but he works longer hours than me (both full time) and I combine outings with DD with seeing friends. I have more nights out than DH but that's because I'm more sociable - he could go out if he wanted to.

We both try to be considerate and if he is working late I will pick up the slack around the house, so it is fairly ad hoc. I think the key is constant communication and appreciation of each other's efforts. I don't think DH always realises that doing the cooking also involves meal planning and shopping lists, and taking DD out involves planning activities and preparation.

We only had 1 dd who is 20mo so I think you have a lot more chores than us, so maybe you need to look at the times a bit more to see where you both feel you could improve things.

When you say 'if he's in first/if I'm in first' -is this more or less 50/50? Or is it predictable who's in first?

To me (bear in mind I don't have kids so a bit blinkered) it looks pretty close to even. I certainly wouldn't say he's obviously doing more, but it's hard to know. I agree that the fairest way is to see how much free time you each have and go from there.

Just wondering, but when you say you're starting out - have you recently gone back to work/got a new job? Because it might be that your DP is feeling the shift more than you, just because it's different.

As others have said, it's all about whether you get equal down time but on first glance, I can see why your dp may feel like he's doing more than you and may be getting less downtime. Most of your chores are either adhoc (e.g mot, car ins, docs) or quick (e.g drop offs and pick ups) whereas dh's are more regular and more time consuming (e.g ironing, gardening) . If he's not happy, may be time to renegotiate :)

Thanks all, I really appreciate your perspectives. LRD yes I have gone full time from part time 2 years ago. I used to do everything, so I think how much needs doing has been a shock. Neither of us truly appreciated how much I did do. I realise he does a lot. But feel like its point scoring not a team effort. Kim I spent last weekend queuing in Clarks, rushing round sorting new uniforms etc.