AIBU to think that life with a 9 year old shouldn't be one long battle.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

At the end of my tether. Single parent with 9 year old DD, every request is currently met by a NO. Every little thing is a battle. I don't shout I put in clear boundaries and follow through. It is just so wearing.
She throws things if she doesn't get her own way, she shouts at me, she tells me she hates me, she tells me she is going to go and live with her Daddy (whose house is a lawless society).
She mostly maintains that she doesn't care about any penalties I try to impose. The latest row (the 3rd of the day) only end with her complying when I said I would take away iPod, radio and all her books. Though she still doesn't see why she should apologise to me.
She doesn't think she should be asked to help in the house and she definitely doesn't think she should be asked to go for a walk with the dog.
Where have I gone wrong?

It's not just you Op, you could have been writing about my DD and she's only 8 I do find she gets worse if she doesn't get enough sleep.

Whatever the reason, I don't think truly bad behaviour is part and parcel of being 9. Perhaps DD needs space from her mother? The discussion about contracts and "targets" for the year I find a tinsy bit , if I'm honest.

Ouyre, I hope I am not making assumptions, since actually none of us know, including you! However, I did make an observation which was about what I see around me, and that includes spoiled children, which may not apply to OP. Only the OP will know. The more the OP writes, the more complicated it sounds perhaps. I hope the thread will give her more clarity.

p.s. God, I hate the sarcasm on MN, when people don't agree with you or are holier-than-thou.

Have you tried the book The Explosive Child?

True the targets come from school they are things like try to stay on task, listen to other people's ideas.
The behaviour contract is a suggested technique to get the child to sit down and agree with you how they will behave and what the consequences of not behaving are. Ours says things like I will not hit Mummy. If I do hit Mummy I will not have my iPod for 24 hours.
I only used this technique after she was repeatedly hitting me on a daily basis, I have smacked her hand once when she was 2.5years after she released herself from her car seat on several occasions.

"have to say my son has been a moody git since around your dd's age and it has only recently got better (he is 12) so it might just be an age
thing x"

Us too but our DS1 is 11 1/2.

Lovely, calm, funny DS2 who just turned 9 has morphed into an emotional timebomb...very wearing indeed!

Don't know if it will work for you, but when my dd started like this I sat her down and said that we BOTH weren't happy, and so we needed to work out what things we could both agree on to make some very very basic family rules, that we both have to abide by - things like when a person was on the phone, you do not disturb them, to come to the table when called, not to pop crisp bags when opening them (see - was a joint effort!). The list was only about 7 things with the words 'and that way we can both be happy' was written at the bottom. Knowing that she could pull me up just as I pulled her up made her feel a bit more in control and helped to diffuse the situation. I appreciate it won't work for everyone, but luckily it did for us (and I'm LP too)

HTH

OP I sympathise with you. My DS2 is the same and I was on the verge of a breakdown before the summer.
We think he may have some early depression or anxiety which makes his behaviour worse. We're waiting for an appointment with the young persons' mental health team, having already seen our GP and a paediatrician who seem to think he's may have MH issues.
Perhaps worth talking to your GP?