Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so bothered about other people

41 replies

laughterlover · 04/09/2013 14:08

We live in a beautiful place with beautiful scenery, low crime rates and good schools. We have a lovely house that we have spent ten yrs renovating ourselves. We are very rural and enjoy the country life.

However.... we find people are either local, very local and have a huge sense of 'ownership' and are quite unfriendly and often narrow minded . Or they are incomers and often are quite 'difficult' people who have moved here to 'get away from it all'.

I have some lovely friends here but they are few and faf between. I can't help but feel quite sad that there is quite a shortage of just ordinary folk.

Not just something i find personally btw but well known fact about area we live in.

AIBU to think we can live here whilst the children are schoolage and be unaffected. It plays heavily on my mind that my dc only have the children of said people as friends. None of my friends here have children.

OP posts:
TrueStory · 04/09/2013 14:27

I can hear your sadness. Could you become the village "eccentric" (by their standards), laughter-lover, seriously? People might respect who you are, even if they cannot totally relate to it? Have you lived other places where you did not feel this?

p.s. also you can be proud of your lovely friends.

Original poster
laughterlover · 04/09/2013 14:41

I AM proud of my lovely friends. They are lovely genuine people.

I am not sure what you mean about becoming the village 'eccentric'. People here will already have their own opinions about me but I doubt eccentric would be one of them.

I have lived in a few different areas. None like this. Where I lived before was not as beautiful, more crime, less idyllic but bigger city so more people, plenty of ordinary folk.

I can live here. As I said the friends I have are so lovely. I couldn't ask for better, but my dc are the problem. I don't want their main influence to be the children of people whom I know to be narrow minded and unfriendly.
Perhaps I am being narrow minded? Blush

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2013 14:41

Well, if everyone is local or a weird incomers, then that is 'normal'. You are the weird one! I feel your pain, I live in another country and suffer from horrible culture shock.

TrueStory · 04/09/2013 14:44

Oh, I see. I didn't mean offence by "eccentric", more just "being who you are"? Is that difficult where you live, is what I meant. Could you do that or would it be tricky?

But I understand what you are saying about your DC. However, if they have other influences - yourself, your closer friends - hopefully that would be mitigated to some or larger extent?

Original poster
laughterlover · 04/09/2013 14:52

Yes I see what you're saying that I am the weird one! I can see that point of view. But it doesn't change the situation. It just isn't a friendly place to live. All very reserved and judgey!

true no offense taken at eccentric suggestion. Could live with being the village eccentric no problem! What I struggle to live with is the worry of my dc becoming suspicious and narrow minded which is a fair description of most of our village!! Grin

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2013 14:56

Do you live here?

Original poster
laughterlover · 04/09/2013 16:03

Feels like it Grin

OP posts:
SinisterSal · 04/09/2013 16:06

Don't worry about your DC. they go back to their parents values in the end. And they will probably have to/want to move to a city at 18 for work or college. So the kids of the narrow minded won't be big influences for ever

Original poster
laughterlover · 04/09/2013 20:42

sinistersal I live in hope that this is the case. It isn't an easy place to live. So many small minded unhappy people it is hard not to get dragged down. When I meet old friends I am reminded of how people CAN be, the warmth, the honesty, the laughter. I miss that. Sad

OP posts:
SinisterSal · 04/09/2013 20:53

I was brought up in a place like that. Which is how I know! I raced away at 17. I am bringing up my kids in a place like that now as well, but I barely notice tbh.
One thing I have noticed. A person can be quite narrow minded but decent at heart. They are different things and I try to relate to them in their own way. I have heard people say some quite shocking things about people of different races - in the abstract, theoretical - but when faced with an actual foreign person needing help couldn't do enough.

When you meet your old friends no wonder you think they are great - they are your friends. Try not to compare your present acquaintances with your dearest funnest friends, it's not conducive to thinking well of your new neighbours.

And ignore the hopeless cases Wink

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/09/2013 21:54

OP I mean no offence but I think you're thinking up problems here...I understand to some extent the issue with your children. I have my own but slightly different in that we live in a very tightly laced middle class area...I strove to leave my own working class community and find that while my children speak nicely and go to excellent schools with the children of professionals...they don't get to play out in the street or enjoy the same relaxed childhood which I enjoyed.

However...after a period of worrying about this I decided I was just focusing too much on the negative. You could try harder to give your children a more mixed experience by getting them involved in activities in different areas for a start.

Original poster
laughterlover · 04/09/2013 22:19

sal thank you that was a very thought provoking reply.
neo I hear you. I often think this myself. So what if my dc have to go to school with the son of catsbumface at number 9, they could be going to school with kids carrying weapons or dealing drugs. I can cope! I have actually spent the past two weeks arranging activities for my dc in the nearest city (almost an hour away but nothing closer) It sounds similar to what you describe, I love the privileged upbringing that this place affords my dc but it really lacks the warmth of a working class community.

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/09/2013 22:24

Yes...I miss the warmth. However...as I have nieces and nephews still in the area in which I grew up, I can tell you now that I know I made the right choice when it comes to my children's future.

I would love for them to have friends in the same street...friends who would call for them etc...but it's just not the way this area works. I do engineer some things...and now my DC are older (9 and 5) I've met some local families who are very friendly and it's improving slowly.

Original poster
laughterlover · 04/09/2013 22:30

neo I could have written your post. Wonder if you live near us! Difficult to engineer things here as so few folk but at the same time nothing happens spontaneously either.

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/09/2013 22:55

How old are your DC Laughter? One of my best coping strategies is to allow my children to play outside...they're the only ones...I hope that some other parent will be shamed into releasing the apron strings when they see mine....hasn't happened so far but it will I know it!

I also make sure they are well involved in the local community...Rainbows, brownies and all the local fetes etc....so that they have the feeling of a community.

Original poster
laughterlover · 04/09/2013 23:00

Dc are 4,6 and 8. The older 2 play out but there are only 3 kids here and 2 are the dc of catsbumface and the other is older (in yrs and head!)
We are currently on the waiting lists of all things child related in the area!!

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/09/2013 23:05

Ah! Mrs Catsbum can't be warmed up at all? Is she Hyacinth-ish or just a cow?

yellowballoons · 04/09/2013 23:07

What are the 6 and 8 year old currently saying? Are they happy?

Original poster
laughterlover · 05/09/2013 07:53

God no chance of warming up the frosty faced moo. She is vicious. Her kids can do no wrong yet her daughter is a little bully. She is fine on her own but where the kids are involved we just clash.

Dc are happy. They don't know any different. This is the only life they know.

OP posts:
yellowballoons · 05/09/2013 09:10

I agree that you have a problem.
Where you are describing is the same as where I live, except that the locals are very friendly -maybe a bit too friendly, they know everything that is going on--. They will do anything for anybody.

I think you have already realised that you wont be able to change the parents of your friend children.
fwiw, I think the marrow mindedness comes from the fact that they are not at all well travelled. A town 20 miles away ccan be a bit far.

Not sure how much I agree with SinisterSal. Some of how the children are will rub off onto your children, though maybe not as much as you think.

DC are happy though. Are they a bit different to what you wanted them to be?

Perhaps move when they are older?

Original poster
laughterlover · 05/09/2013 10:03

My dc are only a bit different from what i wanted in terms off I wish they would fight less with each other and whinge less! As personalities go I am pretty proud of them.
8 yo gets bored but almost doesn't realise it. If there were more kids to play out then I think they would be less hard work for me iykwim!Grin
People here also know everyone's business. We thought of moving once and within a few days of that thought locals were approaching us saying 'are you selling your house?' I find that hilarious but a bit unnerving too!! Hmm

OP posts:
TrueStory · 05/09/2013 10:09

Well, I think this is one of those interesting, slow-burn threads.

I have struggled with 'where I live issues' and feeling I don't "fit", so I know where you are coming from to some extent (though my issues were more feeling intensely "urban and alienated"!)

Maybe you could consider moving somewhere different or less rural ? I was thinking a lot of artists esp. of 20th century moved around a lot, including often abroad. But of course this may not be practical for you. But I think addressing the subject at least gives you a chance to move forward in some ways. BTW, have you thought of killing them with gregarious kindness as a strategy?

(And re. your catsbum neighbour, surely your children will make lots of other friends as they grow, go to school, etc, so will be less of an influence hopefully?).

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 05/09/2013 10:35

It's very hard in a way....Laughter I know you said the DC are on waiting lists for things...perhaps you could try inviting more children over to play from school?

everlong · 05/09/2013 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrueStory · 05/09/2013 10:40

We thought of moving once and within a few days of that thought locals were approaching us saying 'are you selling your house?' I find that hilarious but a bit unnerving too.

Though I think you'd get some of that anywhere, including cities! People are amazingly observant I find !!!